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Uncle Bonsai

THE INESSENTIAL UNCLE BONSAI
Uncle Bonsai - Yellow Tail 10002
Song Lyrics
- REPRINTED FROM THE LINER NOTES OF THE INESSENTIAL UNCLE BONSAI -

We were never really able to explain the name......It was the first question anyone asked and we could never come up with a good story. Somehow "someone just made it up" never worked but, alas, it was the truth.

There were three of us: Arni Adler; Ashley Kristen; and me, Andrew Ratshin. We started in August, 1981 and performed publicly for the first time one month later, outside of the gates, at Seattle's Bumbershoot Festival. We learned eight songs and made enough money, seven dollars each, to get into the festival; one year later we were playing in the Opera House with Firesign Theatre.

A local radio station picked one of our songs, "Suzy", to be on a compilation project and, as they say, the rest was history. Our rise to semi-fame was meteoric....if it was a very slow meteor. We released our first album A Lonely Grain of Corn in 1984 and our second album Boys Want Sex In The Morning in 1986. A select group of club owners and radio stations showed faith early on and we became headliners in various cities around North America.

We achieved some notoriety for songs like "Penis Envy" and "Fat Boys", but we liked to remind people of the balance between the serious and the humorous songs we were performing. Songs like "Heartache", "One In A Million", "In It For The Children", and "Charlie and Me", were among our most popular....still.....songs like "Cheerleaders on Drugs" and "Boys Want Sex In The Morning" sure helped things along.

After eight years we knew we were through but decided to release a third recording entitled Myn Ynd Wymyn. This 23-song, live-in-the-studio cassette (now available on CD for the first time) was a documentation of the music we were playing at the end and it was only released through the mailing list as a thank you for all the support. We did our final tour in February 1989 and got together seven months later for one final show....a benefit for the Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. - July 2, 1992

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SONG LYRICS

Send My Body Home

Now I lay me down to sleep
Pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
Please send my body home

I don't like Virginia
I went there in the winter
There were good ol' boys in T-shirts
With a case or two of beer
And though I didn't show my fear
I could tell that there was danger in their eyes

And these people in the country
Look a lot like one another
Just like maybe they're related
To everybody here
And though I didn't get too near
Well, I think that I can generalize

There are people in Virginia
Who I know are educated
And I'm sure they hardly notice
These Neanderthals on wheels

I don't like Alabama
I was there when it was raining
And these good ol' boys in Chevys
Leave their mufflers back at home

There were chickens in the gutters
There was murder in the drive
I was not the first to utter
Let me make it back home dead or alive

Don't let me die here
If I should die here
Don't let me lie here
Out here alone
Don't let me die here
If I should die here
Don't say good bye here
Send my body home

I don't like the Dakotas
'Cause there aren't any people
An occasional oasis
And some stupid tourist traps
And though I kind of liked the sunsets
I could tell that they were always the same

And these people in the desert
Are the same as all the others
Saving up for indoor plumbing
With an outhouse in the back

There's a dinner bell that's ringing
And the kin folk will arrive
And you know I'll break out singing
If I make it to the border alive

Don't let me die here
If I should die here
Don't let me lie here
Out here alone
Don't let me die here
If I should die here
Don't say good bye here
Send my body home

There's a cousin in the bathroom
There's a cousin in the stable
There's a cousin at the window
Who's emotionally unable
To be anything but dazzled
When the family assembles
And he works so hard at counting
All the cousins he resembles

And the man who drove the tractor
Must have done a bit of drinking
When he ran into the neighbors
Just to score some extra points
He was tryin' to hit some pigeon
Who was tryin' to survive
And you know I'll find religion
If I make it to the suburbs alive

Don't let me die here
If I should die here
Don't let me lie here
Out here alone
Don't let me die here
If I should die here
Don't say good bye here
Send my body home


Isaac's Lament

He walks over to the window
And without a hesitation he goes out
I walk over to the window
And I see him hit the sidewalk like a trout
With a moment's indecision
I can almost see him moving
Then I see the splattered pavement
And I feel it's almost soothing
'Cause I know he didn't suffer
Any more than was the norm
He lived life the way he found it
And he left it true to form

He was standing by the TV
When I saw his eyes roll upward in his head
I came over to the TV
Just to find out what the anchorman had said
With a little human interest
And some filler for the waiting
They were speaking of replacements
And a failure in the ratings
And my friend looked pale then paler
As his body lost his breath
And I listened and discovered
What would send him to his death

Oh Gopher, Gopher's being fired
Contracts have expired
Love has been retired
Buried out at sea

Every afternoon in college
He'd sit down and pour himself another brew
Just as soon forsake his knowledge
For an hour's entertainment with the crew
With a tub of buttered popcorn
And a can or two of soda
He gets sucked into the program
Like he has to make some quota
'Cause he knows what's gonna happen
'Cause he's seen them all before
And the endless double takes
Just make him want it even more

Oh Isaac, Isaac's over tired
Julie's been unhired
Love is uninspired
Sinking in the bay
The Love Boat
Love Boat's dropped it's anchor
Bought out by some banker
Hired out as a tanker
Drifting far away

Oh Aaron Spelling you're a genius
No one could have seen this
Running all these years
(Won't you tell us)
Aaron, where'd you get the notion
Love upon the ocean
Blazing new frontiers

When he heard the sad decision
There was sorrow and confusion in the home
He turned off the television
And he came to his conclusion on his own
With a sigh of desperation
He gave in to his depression
He went out to greet the concrete
Where he made his last impression
And the papers want a statement
'Cause the public wants to know
Was it just the cancellation
Of a favorite TV show

The Love Boat
Love Boat's slowly sinking
Vicki's started thinking
Merrill has been drinking
One more for the road
The Love Boat
Love Boat has been grounded
Doc is still dumbfounded
All aboard's been sounded
No where left to go


In It For The Children

Sometimes at night
We almost speak
We almost speak
In friendly terms
Sometimes at night
Sometimes at night
We go to sleep
We go to sleep
In separate beds
Sometimes at night
Sometimes at night

We take our places at the table
In the morning with the family
And our faces are as innocent as lambs'

Sometimes at night
When no one's there
When no one's there
We lose our minds
Sometimes at night
Sometimes at night

We leave our problems in the bedroom
At the office, when the family's gone
And our obligations lead us to the grave

We're only in it
We're only in it
We're only in it for the children
We're only in it
We're only in it
We're only in it for the children

Sometimes at night
We speak our minds
We speak our minds
And no one hears
Sometimes at night
Sometimes at night
We watch the tube
We watch the tube
And curse our fate
Sometimes at night
Sometimes at night

We never give in to temptation
Never striking when the family's there
'Cause we live in constant fear
That we'll be seen

We're only in it
We're only in it
We're only in it for the children
We're only in it
We're only in it
We're only in it for the children

We'll take the family on vacation
When we think we need a change
And we'll cease the accusations with a smile
There'll be no reconciliation
When the kids are out of range
And we'll lose the affectations for a while

Sometimes at night
We grit our teeth
We grit our teeth
And try to dream
Sometimes at night
Sometimes at night
We spare the rod
We spare the rod
To spoil our lives
Sometimes at night
Sometimes at night

We know exactly what we're doing
And we'll hide it from the family fare
And we'll act like nothing's wrong
Until they're gone

We're only in it
We're only in it
We're only in it for the children
We're only in it
We're only in it
We're only in it for the children


Suzy

She works from nine to five
She gets her take home pay
She goes to buy some clothes
To wear another day
She's got a little car
That uses diesel gas
It's got a foreign name
She thinks it gives her class
She doesn't cook too well
She doesn't speak too good
She knows of all the men
Within her neighborhood
She gives them all the eye
And chooses one or two
To buy her little things
And have a rendezvous
She has a rendezvous

She tries to look her best
She tries so hard to smile
She wants them all to see
She's got a touch of style
She wears a slitted dress
That shows a little thigh
And acts so nonchalant
As she goes walking by
She thinks the men are cute
She likes to reel them in
And tries to play it cool
With just a touch of sin
She makes them draw a straw
To see who'll take her out
She likes it dog-eat-dog
And they begin to shout

Suzy won't you come out tonight
Suzy won't you go for a ride
Suzy I got tickets for the best show in town
Won't you come along and sit by my side
Suzy won't you go to the game
Suzy won't you come to the dance
Suzy don't you think that I could come inside
Suzy won't you give me a chance

She's learned to set her goals
She wants an even tan
She doesn't mind her work
She does the best she can
She gives the men a smile
They think she fools around
They want to buy her drinks
She wants to settle down
She likes to play the field
She thinks it's just a game
She knows how much he's worth
Before she knows his name
She doesn't want advice
She thinks she knows it all
She thinks it's rather nice
When they begin to call

Suzy won't you come out tonight
Suzy won't you go for a ride
Suzy I got tickets for the best show in town
Won't you come along and sit by my side
Suzy won't you go to the game
Suzy won't you come to the dance
Suzy don't you think that I could come inside
Suzy won't you give me a chance

She thinks she needs that walk
She wears her dresses tight
She wished she had the nerve
To be alone at night
She's got her mind made up
She's found the only way
She hates the pressure but
She likes to hear them say

Suzy won't you come out tonight
Suzy won't you go for a ride
Suzy I got tickets for the best show in town
Won't you come along and sit by my side
Suzy won't you go to the game
Suzy won't you come to the dance
Suzy don't you think that I could come inside
Suzy won't you give me a chance


I Want A Man

I want a man who'll wash the dishes
I want a man who'll make the bed
I want a man who's not suspicious
I want a man who's halfway dead
I want a man who'll do the laundry
Vacuum the carpets, sweep the floor
I want a man who knows his boundaries
No one could ask for more

(I want a woman who)
Shut up, sit down
(Yes dear, here dear?
Right away)
I want a man who'll follow orders
I want a man with nothing to say

I want a man with no ambition
I want a man with half a brain
I want a man without a mission
I want a man who won't complain
I want a man who'll carve the turkey
Feed the goldfish, cook the meal
I want a man who's kind of jerky
I want a man who does not feel

(Just a second dear I am coming
Just a moment I'm on my way
Can I get you a cup of tea dear
Just a moment you'll need a tray)

I want a man with no desires
I want a man without a goal
I want a man who'll build the fires
Stir the coffee, stir the coals
I want a man who likes what I like
Does what I do, won't say no
I want a man who'll always be here
I want a man who'll let me go

(Just a second I'll fix the toaster
Just a moment I'll get the door
Just a moment you'll need a coaster
Let me get it, your feet are sore)

(Just a minute dear, wait a minute darling
Just a moment love, I'm on my way
Can I get you this, can I get you that
Can I get you anything at all
To start the day)


Fat Boys (a love song)

Skinny boys got nothin'
To lean against in bed
Bony arms and shoulders
Only bruise my head
And when they try to wrestle me
I beat them pound for pound
Skinny boys got nothing
To wrap your arms around

Skinny boys got visions
Of god-like qualities
But every time I greet one
There's nothing there to squeeze
All that wasted effort
All that vanity
Skinny boys got visions
Of immortality

Something 'bout those muscle bound boys
Practicing their clean and jerk
Oiling up their bodies for the shine
Never liked those tan and lean boys
Too much pressure, too much work
Looking in the mirror for a sign
I just want a baby-fat boy
Double sized and double chinned
Belly big and pillow to my brain
I just want a spacious lap boy
Jump right on and sink right in
Loving handles driving me insane

All of that extra weight
All of that extra muscle to play with
Gives me another reason to stay
With the fat boys, fat boys
Everyone cleans the plate
Truly inspired the last of us lingers
To sit by the fire and lick off the fingers
Of the fat boys, fat boys

Skinny boys are losers
Who seem to try too hard
But every time they talk to me
They won't let down their guard
All that blind devotion
All the foolish pride
Skinny boys are losers
With no place left to hide

I don't want no squeaky clean boys
So repressed and so refined
Walking like their feet don't touch the ground
I don't want no Mama's best boy
Undeveloped, undefined
Waiting for his chance to be profound
I just want an overgrown boy
Unconditioned, unrehearsed
Fleshy body waiting for the squeeze
Overweight and overblown boys
Whet my whistle, quench my thirst
Chubby cheeks just drop me to my knees

All of that extra skin
All of that extra stuffing to yearn for
Gives me another reason to burn
For the fat boys, fat boys
Everyone wants to sin
Truly discerning the last of us hovers
To turn up the music and turn down the covers
With the fat boys, fat boys

Fat boys so massive
And fat boys so sweet
Fat boys to fondle and bite
Fat boys to feed me
Whenever we meet
Fat boys to turn out the light
Fat boys so ample
To sample and hold
Fat boys to brighten my day
Fat boys so grand
To manhandle and mold
Fat boys to steal me away

All of the extra cheek
All of that extra cargo to carry
Gives me another reason
To marry the fat boys, fat boys
Everyone takes a peak
Truly determined we go through the paces
We're puffing our chests
And we're stuffing our faces
For the fat boys, fat boys


One In A Million

He was one in a million but I let him fade away
with the numbers game. And he wanted to hold
me, and I wanted to let him stay, but it never came
up in the conversation. All I did was dream I was
safe and sound in the variation on my scattered
theme. And I turned around and he was gone...
or never there.

And I wouldn't dare look in the closet or the hall
where I deposit all my uninspired lovers who feel
they must entertain while they hog all the covers
like they hog all the pain.....Singing "Oh, it's not
so bad. I've had it better; I've had worse". Or
"Oh, that's really sad and it reminds me of a verse
my mother told me when I was small. She used to
hold me, and after all was said and done I'd fall
asleep, I'd fade away - another dream, another
day - I know now it all begins again;
we never end"

(Once upon a time,
Filled with love and laughter
Once upon a time, happily ever after)

Now -

Fairy tales disturbed me! The princes always
blindly charged and left me confused. Though, I
feel like I'm the one who faced the dragon - all the
times I've been burnt and bruised by lovers saying
that they're gentle, with their minds and not their
hands; who play on my emotions like the silent
marching bands they heard as boys. They have to
make some noise to prove they're there. They
couldn't care about the beat, and they never think
to share, 'cause they could never bear defeat at the
hands of someone not afraid to show them that the
bed was made in open invitation to the dance.
They never take the chance.
"It's not so bad. I've had it better; I've had
worse". And "Oh, that's really sad and it reminds
me of a verse my mother told me when I was
small. She use to hold me, and after all was said
and done I'd fall asleep, I'd fade away - another
dream, another day - I know now it all begins
again; we never end"

He was one in a dozen but I allowed him to stay
for an hour or two. And he rushed to his glory
just to give me his soul and his gratitude. And he
called me his lover as he rested his eyes, and he
dreamed of his mother like a child who cries for
his feed....He never looked a me.


Heartache

I'll wait forever
If you give me your smile
I'm holding on to a dream
I know I'm acting
Like a juvenile
It seems I'm always taking things
To the extreme
I've got a heartache
I've got a heartache

I'm always waiting
For some love to arrive
I only want my fair share
But I try so hard
To keep some damn thing alive
I never seem to notice
That there's nobody there
I've got a heartache
I've got a heartache

I don't want to fall in love again this time
I don't want to be a victim
Of your victimless crime
I don't want to go emotional dancing
With someone who's going to find
Another man for romancing
I don't want to go and put my love on the line
For someone who will never be mine

I think I'm heading for
A terrible fall
I'm spinning out of control
Your words of wisdom
Have meant nothing at all
And all that sound advice
Still leaves me out in the cold
I've got a heartache
I've got a heartache


Johnny, It's Downhill From Here

Most likely to succeed
President and sweater man
There for all to see
Drama prince and letter man
Babes around your feet
Sweetest talking candy man
Always on the beat
Errand boy and handy man
Social servant, cub reporter
Hot dog served with sparkling water

Everything old hat
Known to all the local faces
Every time at bat
Hitting for the extra bases
Babes around the pool
Ray Ban strutting perfect tanner
Precious local jewel
Six ball juggling social planner
Fastest strumming, hardest worker
Up and coming soda jerker

But Johnny, it's downhill from here
Don't you know the world was at your feet
But now they're gone
And it's suddenly clear
Everything you do goes wrong
Won't you tell me what became of the fiery passion
What happened to the eyes of ice blue steel
Tell me that you're not afraid to learn to feel

Waiting in the wings
Everything so out of reach
Nothing ever clings
No can do and no can teach
Girls are seldom seen
Only with the beg and borrow
All the breaks are clean
Here today and gone tomorrow
Loathsome lover, lonesome loser
Soapbox critic, social boozer

But Johnny, it's downhill from here
Don't you see you're acting like the
Once and future king
But there's nobody here
And you can't do anything
Won't you tell me what became of the days of glory
What happened to the masses at your side
Tell me that you've found another place to hide

And Johnny I know it used to be so easy
Everything you wanted was in hand
All that blind ambition
Only lacked the ammunition
To make everyone around you understand

That Johnny, it's downhill from here
Don't you see your trigger finger's
Waiting for the call
And you're showing the fear
Knowing that you're sure to fall

Won't you tell me what became
Of the fire and thunder
What happened to the smile and timeless wit
Tell me what it takes to crawl from under
Show me that you've learned to handle it
Does anything remain of the local hero
Does anyone remember the high school cheer
Tell me that you're not afraid to disappear
'Cause Johnny, it's downhill from here

 

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He Must Have Been A Genius

He said he knew just what was best for me
He told me things I didn't know
He said he wouldn't ever pressure me
Said he wouldn't ever go

He said he wanted to be close to me
He never really left my side
He said he wanted to propose to me
But he never found the time

Watching TV and reading papers
Always thinking of a plan
Something for an honest man
To do with his days
He had his ways

He said he'd love me for eternity
He said he'd never let me down
He told me that he'd always turn to me
That he'd always be around

And he, he must have been a genius
He told me so himself
Every morning at the breakfast table
Doing crosswords in his sleep
Every evening in the dark
Making love with open eyes

He wrote a letter to my family
He said he'd never make me cry
He said he'd give me immortality
And he never said good bye

And he, he must have been a genius
He told me so himself
Every morning at the breakfast table
Doing crosswords in his sleep
Every evening in the dark
Making love with open eyes

And he, he could have been a genius
I told him that myself
In the morning when he looked so frightened
And he couldn't shake the sleep
Every evening in the dark
I forget to close my eyes


A Lonely Grain Of Corn

I can't go out
It's not safe
They're waiting out there for me
I never go
I never will
Their silos want to store me

I'm in the house
That's okay
There's grating on the windows
Out there they roast
Before they kill
And eat each fibrous morsel

Why go out?
Where there are picnics to offend me
At the core of my being
Why go out?
Where there are pigeons to descend
And order me "carry out"
I can't abide
I'll stay inside as I was born
A lonely grain of corn

They pick their teeth
The yellow bits
Remind and further damn me
Why go out
It's certain death
And I'm the only grain of corn in my family

I could live on the cob just as easily as they
I could die with the mob
In the parks and frigidares
But I choose to be free
Behind bars, far from birds
With my husks wrapped around me to disguise
And it's really, really corny but

I've got to be me
I've got to be me
What else can I be
But what I am
A lonely piece of corn

Recurrent dreams
Of corn fed cows
Cans of salted liquids
Of unfelt tears
Buttered worlds
Laid out on a rice bed
Happy dreams
Of windswept fields
Virgin stalks and fresh rains
Of brave new corn
Undeaf ears
Freedom talks for farm grains

Why go out?
Where I'm a dime a dozen bargain
At the old farmer's market
Why go out?
When in my prime a frozen giblet
Is the most I can hope for
I can't obey
I think I'll stay as I was born
A lonely grain of corn

I can't go out
It's not safe
They're waiting out there for me
I never go
I never will
'Cause I'm the only grain of corn
In my family


Boys Want Sex In The Morning

Boys want
Sex in the morning
Sex in the morning
When I'm not my best
Boys want
Sex in the morning
Sex in the morning
Tearing at my breast
Boys want
Someone who's winsome
Someone to pin
Someone to undertake
Boys want
Someone to fall on
Someone to crawl on
Someone half awake

Boys want
Sex in the morning
Sex in the morning
Covers at my knees
Boys want
Rotten conditions
Passive positions
I am a trapeze
Boys want
Someone who's sleepy
Someone who's keeping
Nothing in too deep
Boys want
Somebody first hand
Someone to burst
And then go back to sleep

There is nothing I like better
Than a jostle now and then
With the hands under the sweater
And the back that starts to bend
But before my eyes are open
I don't want to have to hide
From a simpleton still poking
With a thimbleful of pride

Boys want
Sex in the morning
Sex in the morning
Soiling the sheets
Boys want
Sex while I'm yawning
Suddenly spawning
When I'm half asleep
Boys want
Someone unconscious
Somebody not just
Waiting for a thrill
Boys want
Sex with surprises
Sex with sunrises
Someone on the pill

There is nothing like a lover
Who can satisfy your needs
And the joy when you discover
Just how often he succeeds
But before my eyes can focus
I don't need him to surprise
By descending like a locust
On a field of sleeping thighs

Boys want
Sex in the morning
Sex in the morning
When I'm still not fresh
Boys want
Something that strikes them
Someone who likes them
Fondling their flesh
Boys want
Someone to take and
Someone to break and
Comment on their size
Boys want
Someone to prod and
Someone who'll nod
And then just close her eyes


Lois Lane

If only Lois knew
Clark Kent could see through her dress
She would have flown to his arms
And uncovered his "S"
She could have torn off his trousers
Discovered his tights
He wouldn't put up a fight

If only Lois knew
That at the time of ascent
Superman blasted off
And there wasn't no Kent
She would have clung to his wingspan
A fly on the wall
He wouldn't let her fall

But her mouth never moved
And her hair stayed in place
Too little magic
In so stiff a face
Framed in the funnies
Captioned and stripped
Ten cents a copy
Too cheap a script

If only Lois knew
That Kent was light years away
That in the name of Krypton
He was saving the day
She could have leapt on his steno
In one single bound
But he was never around

She wouldn't know love
If it wasn't out flying
And it broke all her pencils without trying
If he took off his glasses
And he blew her a kiss
And a windstorm ensued in Metropolis
Lois was lost on the man made of granite
Lost in her own daily planet

If only Lois knew
That at the scene of a crime
Kent was not to be seen
But always filed on time
He always scooped up a story
In super disguise
She always looked so surprised

He kept an x-ray eye upon her
She slept alone on Loveless Lane
He never sacrificed his honor
He never took her on his plane
She didn't like the meek and shrinking
She always thought she'd like to fly
He always knew what she was thinking
When she was staring at the sky

She wouldn't know love
If it only went one way
Taking off with her desk as a runway
If he told her the truth
And the rules of the order
As he dressed in the phone booth
And he asked her for quarters
Lois was lost on the man made of granite
Lost in her own daily planet

If only Lois knew
Clark Kent could see through her dress
She would have flown to his arms
And uncovered his "S"
She could have had herself a layout
Some news she could feel
With the man made of steel


Silent Night

My father's house
Was warm at night
He used to sing me lullabies
Just like his father before him always did
Just like his mother would have done
If she had lived
My father's house
Was safe at night
He used to sleep just down the hall
Just like his father before him always would
When he was old
When times were good
He found the time
He found a way
Piece by piece
Day by day

(Oh you look so pretty
Don't forget to say your prayers
I will rock you 'til you're sleeping
And I'll carry you upstairs
And I'll see you in the morning
I'll see you in your dreams
I will always be here when you need me)

Silent night, holy night
I left a light on in the hallway
All is warm, all is bright
I keep my visions in my hand
Silent night, holy night
Life goes on beyond my eyelids
All is safe, out of sight

I was away at school
The night I heard the news
That I was all alone
From a stranger's voice
On the hallway phone
She had to call collect
And mispronounced my name
And said that I should be there
On the morning train
There was no one to meet me
And no one to take me home

Silent night, holy night
I left a light on in the hallway
All is warm, all is bright
I keep my visions in my hand
Silent night, holy night
Life goes on beyond my eyelids
All is safe, out of sight

My father's house
Is still at night
I hear the silence in the walls
I hear the footsteps in the halls
Just like the child inside me used to do
When she was scared and wide awake
She had the room to keep her warm
Safe from fears, safe from harm

Silent night, holy night
I left a light on in the hallway
All is warm, all is bright
I keep my visions in my hand
Silent night, holy night
Life goes on beyond my eyelids
All is safe, out of sight


Enterprising Young Man

Mom found dad without a penny
Fell in love and went to Indiana
Where they had five kids, no money
They were poor but not unhappy
Still the bills kept coming
Both went grey - together

Grandma says make sure he's Jewish
Gentile men they beat you and
They drink too much and gamble
Listen to me 'cause I'm old
I know you'll perish if you break your faith
And have no money

Find an enterprising young man
A doctor, lawyer or a businessman
Make sure he has money if he doesn't
You'll die hungry in bed with him
With only what you were born with
So find an enterprising young man

So I searched each day but all I found
Were struggling young men
Poor like I was, very understanding
Never beat me unless I asked them to
Alcohol was fun together
And yes dear Mom this morning
When I woke up the only thing I had
Was what you gave me at birth

Find an enterprising young man
A doctor, lawyer or a businessman
Make sure he has money if he doesn't
You'll die hungry in bed with him
With only what you were born with
So find an enterprising young man

Only what you gave me - at birth


Billboard Love

And the man is always smiling
As he leans against his Cadillac
And offers you your money back
If you can beat his price
And the woman's so beguiling
As she rubs against her Chevrolet
And offers you some repartee
And motor trend advice

And the heads are always spinning
As the preacher holds the pearly gate
For those who feed the Sunday plate
With hopes to raise the dead
And the dogs are always grinning
As fleas and ticks destroy their coats
While cowboys feed them milk bone floats
And pat them on the head

And the lawns are always happy
And the kids are all well fed
And the neighbors are as friendly as can be

And the box of fettucine
Spreads the word from out the parking lots
The nutriments in every box
Are just what they deserve
And the girls in string bikinis
Chase a never ending puberty
While lifeguards sitting hubrisly
Blow whistles at their curves

And the kids are all in college
And the lawns are all well groomed
And the clothes are all as bright as white can be

And all the pretty people
In their latex gloves
Living fortified and sugar free
Riding off together
In billboard love
That's the only kind of love for me

And the woman seems so daring
As she sinfully enjoys a smoke
And tells another risqué joke
While other girls lament
And the man is oh so caring
As he sells you everything he can
And offers an installment plan
For just a small percent

And the kids are all good Christians
And the lawns are all but used
And the neighbors love their coffee caffeine free

And all the pretty people
In their latex gloves
Smoking Tipparillos by the sea
Riding off together
In billboard love
That's the only kind of love for me

Paper smooth complexion
Teeth as white as tile
Malibu perfection
Pepsidented smile
Over sexed and over sized
Popular and pasteurized

And all the pretty people
In their latex gloves
Waiting for the weekend to be free
Living life forever
In billboard love
That's the only kind of love for me


Cheerleaders On Drugs

How do they jump so high
How do they flip in mid-air
And spread their legs so wide
And wear the skirts that they wear
How do the mount each one
To make their pyramids
Is it the drugs they're on
These mental invalids

They wear their dark sunglasses
They play their games at night
The players make their passes
They wear their pom-poms just right
The mascot sneaks inside
He's proudly overspread
The game's not over yet
It's time to go to bed

It seems like they must be
On drugs or just stupid
They're buoyant and busty
And just plain dumb
It seems like they're brainwashed
Or on anesthesia
Their brain suffers weight loss
'Cause how else could they cheer like:

Go you Injuns
Go, go you Injuns
Um chagawa, um um chagawa
Go you Injuns
Go, go you Injuns
Um chagawa, Injuns got the powah
Go, G, O, go

It stunts their mental growth
And makes it hard to find
A future livelihood
Or others of their kind
The marching band it seems
The voyeurs in the stands
The refs and both the teams
Are all the raving fans for
Cheerleaders on drugs

It seems like they must be
On drugs or just stupid
They're buoyant and busty
And just plain dumb
The drug interaction
Could just be some teamwork
Their forces and factions
Make them sound like:

Go you Injuns
Go, go you Injuns
Go you Injuns
Go, go you Injuns
Give me an "I" - I
Give me an "N" - N
Give me a "J" - J
Give me a "U" "N" "S"
Go you Injuns
Go, go you Injuns
Go you Injuns
Go, go you Injuns

Cheerleaders on drugs
Cheerleaders on drugs
Cheerleaders on drugs


Penis Envy

If I had a penis
I'd wear it outside
In cafes and car lots
With pomp and with pride
If I had a penis
I'd pamper it proper
I'd stay in the tub
And use me as a stopper

If I had a penis
I'd take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it
And shove it at smarties
I'd take it to pet shows
And teach it to stay
I'd stuff it in turkeys
On Thanksgiving Day

I'd rival my buddies
In sports cars and stick shifts
I'd shower my spire
With girlies and gifts
I'd peek around corners
I'd aim at my toilet
I'd poke it at foreigners
I'd soap it and oil it

If I had a penis
I'd run to my mother
Comb out the hair
And compare it to brother
I'd lance her, I'd knight her
My hands would indulge
Pants would seem tighter
And buckle and bulge

A penis to plunder
A penis to push
'Cause one in the hand
Is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me
A penis to share
To pick up and play with
When nobody's there

I'd sit like a boy
I'd straddle the chair
I'd play with my fly
Albeit with care
I'd dip it in chocolate
I'd stick it in sockets
I'd stroll to the movies
With hands deep in pockets

I'd stick in vacuums
On vacant verandahs
Gas guzzling Volvos
And poodles and pandas
In puddles and drainpipes
In doggies and ditches
Pool halls and potholes
And bottles and bitches
Zucchinis and zebras
Tomatoes, tomatoes
In pineapples, pumpkins
And gulches and grottos
In melons and marshmallows
Gloves and gorillas
Slurpies and slippers
Chinooks and chinchillas

A penis to plunder
A penis to push
'Cause one in the hand
Is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me
A penis to share
To pick up and play with
When nobody's there

If I had a penis
I'd climb every mountain
I'd force it on females
I'd pee like a fountain
If I had a penis
I'd still be a girl
But I'd make much more money
And conquer the world.


Charlie and Me

Charlie comes up from downtown
Just to watch me wash my hair
And he makes me tuna sandwiches
To show me that he cares
Charlie comes up from downtown
Just to taunt me with his airs
And I just pretend that he isn't there

Charlie and me go way back
To a time when we were green
And I don't think he ever meant
A thing he said to me
Charlie, now stop your lying
Or you know I'm going to leave
Charlie don't make a liar of me

And it goes on and on and on

Charlie and me are lovers
But we sometimes sleep alone
And it makes me feel so close to him
Just touching the telephone
Charlie, we made a bargain
I don't want to start a fight
So don't call me up in the dead of night

And it goes on and on and on

And Charlie will never realize
The sting of his tireless smile
The string of the broken promises
That cling to him like a child
But Charlie, I love your faces
When I say that I think you're strange
Charlie, I hope that you never change

Charlie comes up from downtown
Just to keep me company
And I don't think he'll ever know
How happy we could be
Charlie, now don't you worry
'Bout the things you never see
Charlie, you'll always be safe with me

And it goes on and on and on

Yellow Tail Records · 9102 17th Ave NE · Seattle, Washington 98115-3212 · USA · (206) 527-3546

YT