Doug’s Birthday Song
Uncle Bonsai
Doug - YT-10010
The doctor slapped the baby
So the mother slapped him back
No one’s gonna treat her boy that way
No one really thought about
How mother might react
Proud to put her instinct on display
She’s slapped a few more doctor’s since that day
And he shall be
And he shall be
And he shall be
The doctors and the nurses
Couldn’t bear to watch the pain
They tried to stay outside the battle zone
Sixty seven hours
She spent waging that campaign
Pushing through the spasms on her own
And she sure as hell will use it when he’s grown
And he shall be
And he shall be
And he shall be
He Shall Be....
(Doug) One perfect little egg
(Doug) Grows perfect little legs
(Doug) Turns into something that’s a perfect little swimmer
(Doug) One night of perfect love
(Doug) One night was just enough
(Doug) If she could just not shove, she’d love to keep him in her
The father sat beside her
Wondering how much she could take
But knew to keep his body out of range
Three days of breathing
Trying hard to stay awake
This was not a pattern he could change
And no one enjoyed watching the exchange
And he shall be
He Shall Be....
(Doug) Ten perfect little toes
(Doug) One perfect little nose
(Doug) Forgive the purple prose, they couldn’t have foreseen this
(Doug) Four perfect little limbs
(Doug) Three perfect little chins
(Doug) Two perfect earlobes, and a perfect little penis
Put aside the hand me downs
Find the purest cotton
Nothing but the best
Will ever touch this baby’s bottom
This could be the greatest child
Ever to be born
Never mind the baby bonnet
Where’s the crown of thorns
(Doug) Is this the second son
(Doug) Born now for everyone
(Doug) Most people can not tell one baby from another
(Doug) Or just another youth
(Doug) To suckle, burp and poop
(Doug) Is this a child who might never leave his mother
The doctor slapped the baby
So the mother slapped him back
This was not a mom to be ignored
No one really saw it
As a personal attack
But this was not a lapse they could afford
And someday soon they hope she’ll cut the cord
And he shall be
And he shall be
And he shall be
Doug Goes To Town
Uncle Bonsai
Doug - YT-10010
Mother says I gotta wear the suit
Wear the woolen suit
And the matching jacket
Mother says I gotta wear the tie
Wear the clip on tie
And I know she's right
Mother says I gotta take a lunch
Take a healthy lunch
And she helps me pack it
Mother says we gotta kiss goodbye
And I know that's just polite
Mother says I gotta wear the coat
Wear the stupid coat
And I think it's silly
Mother says I gotta wash my face
Really wash my face
And it's not just talk
Mother says I gotta take the gloves
Take the birthday gloves
'Cause it might get chilly
Mother says I gotta bundle up
If I want take that walk
(And she says) Doug you know I love you
Doug you know you're good
Doug I know you know your way around this neighborhood
I'm only thinking of you
See how much you've grown
But Doug you'll never go to town alone
Mother says I gotta know my name
Really know my name
Both the first and last ones
Mother says I gotta know my street
Know my stupid street
And the number too
Mother says I gotta stay on grass
Keep my feet on grass
And she pulled a fast one
Mother says that I can go to town
If I follow every rule
She says
Doug you know I love you
Doug you know you're good
Doug if I could take away the pain you know I would
I'm only thinking of you
See how much you've grown
But Doug you'll never go to town alone
Don't cross
In the middle
In the middle, in the middle of the street
Don't cross
Don't cross that street at all
Don't talk
I'll be watching
Don't you talk to anybody that you meet
Don't talk
Don't talk until I call
Mother says I gotta brush my teeth
Really brush my teeth
And I just don't get it
Mother says I gotta take the dog
Take the stupid dog
Or a chaperone
Mother says I gotta be polite
Really be polite
Or I can just forget it
Mother says that I can go to town
But I think I'm staying home
Doug Goes To The Circus
Uncle Bonsai - Coming 2009
Doug's First Job
Electric Bonsai Band
20 Seconds of Pleasure - YT-10005
Doug - YT-10010
Doug wakes up early Monday morning
And lets the dog go back to sleep
Doug hits the kitchen while his father sits there yawning
And he knows they've got appointments to keep
And they wrestle for the bacon
'Til the final bit is taken
Or 'til mother finds another little piece
And she smiles and pours the cereal
And irons the material
That gives her perfect boy his perfect crease
Doug greets the morning at attention
And ties another perfect tie
Doug checks his wallet as his father guns the engine
And he knows that they're precisely on time
And his mother shines his whistle
And then dabs away the clearasil
That Douglas spread on thick the night before
And she curses his employer
As she runs into the foyer
Just to watch her little man walk out the door
There is power in the uniform
There's power in the hands
There is power in the things that come so hard
And she says everyone knows Elvis
Everyone knows God
And everyone knows Doug the crossing guard
Doug likes to keep the children waiting
All single file in the rain
Doug holds his hand out and the scouts all stop parading
And he knows that they would never complain
And his teachers come to see him
And his friends all want to be him
And the women melt completely in his gaze
And his mother brings him sandwiches
And talks up the advantages
Of bread that builds strong bodies seven ways
And he could have been a burger boy
He could have been on fries
Tossing taters with the losers and the lard
But everyone knows Buddha
And everyone knows Merv
Everyone knows Doug the crossing guard
And Doug could have his pick of the women
Hey Doug could have his pick of the men
Doug knows the benefits of public opinion
And he hopes that it's a means to an end
Doug whistles for the underachievers
Doug whistles for the students who fail
Doug whistles for the principal who always believed
That Doug would wind up an accountant or in jail
And there are people you rely on
There are people you respect
There are people you can use and then discard
But everyone knows Judas
Everyone knows Sting
Everyone knows Doug the crossing guard
Doug comes home early Monday evening
And spends a moment with his pets
Doug hits the kitchen and his father sits there reading
And he knows that it's as good as it gets
And his mother serves potato chips
And talks about their summer trips
While father dreams of cleaning up the yard
And they say everyone loves Jesus
Everyone knows Cher
Everyone knows Doug the crossing guard
Doug's First Date
Mel Cooleys
Live(?) In Seattle - YT-10006
Uncle Bonsai and Mel Cooleys
Doug - YT-10010
Doug pets his dog
Dog watches Doug
Dog feels the stress
Doug gives dog bone
Dog sniffs his butt
While Doug gets dressed
Dog seems impressed
With Doug's cologne
Doug feeds his fish
Fish don't do shit
Fish don't play fetch
Doug hates fish so
Fish hides in fern
While Doug has fits
Fish don't do shit
Fish got to go
First you're born
Then you walk
Then you boy scout
Then you drive
Then you drink
Then you leave
Then you marry
Then you die
Doug calls to Mom
Mom checks his tie
Mom checks his breath
Doug looks so young
Mom gives Doug cash
While Doug shifts weight
Mom hates first dates
Mom bites her tongue
First a flicker
Then a flame
Then an ember
Then an ash
Take the cash, Doug
Take the cash
She's a lovely girl
She's a lovely girl
Such a lovely girl
Doug greets his dog
Dog smiles at Doug
Dog feels relief
Doug fills dog's dish
Dog settles in
While Doug finds bone
Dog's glad Doug's home
Dog, Mom, Doug, Fish
First an acorn
Then a tree
Then an acorn
Then a tree
Then an acorn
Then a tree
Then an acorn
Then a tree
Doug Engaged
Mel Cooleys
Live(?) In Seattle - YT-10006
Doug - YT-10010
Doug doesn't call anymore
He's wearing a ring that inhibits his dialing
And this time he really seems sure
All calm and content
All that drooling and smiling
Everyone knows that a romance is great
(Cupid take aim at the couple ascending)
But everyone knows that the tree isn't straight
If the roots were all formed
With habitual bending
Doug doesn't call anymore
He fell into love but he couldn't stop falling
And maybe he stopped keeping score
Maybe he's stubborn or maybe he's stalling
And everyone follows a poetic theme
(And the fork of the path that is usually taken)
But everyone knows at the end of a dream
There's a hell of chance that you'll finally awaken
Tie the knot, Doug
Tie it tighter
Seal the package with a kiss
Open wide, Doug
Open wider
Something might still come from this
Doug in step
Doug inspired
Doug uncovered
Doug unstaged
Doug released
Doug retired
Doug enlightened
Doug engaged
Doug doesn't call anymore
Mr. and Mrs., a powerful mixture
And now that he's safe and secure
He doesn't need anyone clouding the picture and
Everyone knows that behind a great man
There's a women of strength
With a great constitution
But everyone knows it's an unnatural plan
To be locked up inside of an old institution
Tie the knot, Doug
Tie it tighter
Pay the rabbi, pay the priest
See the sights, Doug
See the spider
Mates for life then starts to feast
Doug revealed
Doug remembered
Doug undaunted
Doug uncaged
Doug de-clawed
Doug dismembered
Doug encumbered
Doug engaged
Here's a toast to wedded bliss
Here's a toast to mother
Here's a toast to that first kiss
And may there be another
Here's a toast to calmer seas
To less inclement weather
A toast that you'll remember me
When you're not still together
Doug doesn't call anymore
He's gotten so old he's forgotten my number
But that's what a phone book is for
In case he comes out of his emotional slumber
Doug denied
Doug dependent
Doug old fashioned
Doug old-aged
Doug redeemed
Doug resplendent
Doug impassioned
Doug engaged
Doug deboned
Doug delivered
Doug devoured
Doug displayed
Doug debriefed
Doug deflowered
Doug empowered
Doug engaged
Doug At His Mom's
Uncle Bonsai
Myn Ynd Wymyn - YT-10003
Doug - YT-10010
Doug leaves his bride to be on early Sunday morning
To take the train to spend the holidays at home
Doug takes his briefcase and a bag of dirty laundry
He takes her photograph
So he won't have to be alone
Doug reads the paper as he rumbles through the country
He sleeps and dreams about the girl he left behind
She packed a sandwich should he happen to get hungry
She packed potato chips
So he'd enjoy the trip
Doug, Doug on a mission
Doug, Doug on his own
Doug, Doug on a visit
Doug, Doug going home
Doug sees the future as the train pulls in the station
A friendly smile from the family Chevrolet
Doug greets his father with a sense of trepidation
They take the long way back
They hit the cul-de-sac
Doug, Doug prays in silence
Doug, Doug plays the pawn
Doug, Doug sees the driveway
Doug, Doug sees the lawn
Doug wipes his forehead
Doug, Doug dries his palms
Doug, Doug at the doorway
Doug, Doug at his moms.
Doug's Uncle Sid comes out
To pinch a cheek and bend an ear
Come set the table Doug
His mother yells for all to hear
Go find a tie to wear and
Why don't you cut your hair and
So tell us Douglas will you ever find a real career
Doug's father shakes his head
And talks of girls instead
Doug greets the guest
And takes their coats up to his parents room
Doug checks the pockets
Then he goes back to the dining room
The door bell rings and then
Doug checks some coats again
Doug tries to smile
In the face of such impending doom
Doug sees his fall from grace
In every cousin's face
Doug, Doug starts to feel the heat as
Doug, Doug counts the chairs
Doug, Doug knows the children have
To eat their food downstairs
Doug, Doug sees his mother's smile
Doug, Doug walks the lonely mile
Doug, Doug hears the grown-ups
Doug, Doug passes time
Doug, Doug wants cloth napkins
Doug, Doug wants some wine
Doug reads his placemat
Doug, Doug feels so calm
Doug, Doug in the basement
Doug, Doug at his moms
Doug leaves his family and rides his ways to freedom
He'll feel the safety for at least another year
Doug knows his fiancé is happy just to greet him
She knows his work is done
He's such a faithful son
Doug, Doug feels religious
Doug, Doug is alive
Doug, Doug is ambitious
Doug, Doug will survive
Doug lets his hair down
Doug, Doug on his own
Doug, Doug on the rebound
Doug, Doug coming home
Doug Gets Married
Uncle Bonsai
Doug - YT-10010
The mother of the bride was feeling too depressed to drink
She wondered when the honeymoon would end
She stood there in the corner and she watched her daughter shrink
Into her little wonderland of friends
And as she stood there queenly
She glowered rather meanly
And counted all the money they would spend
The mother of the bride was feeling paranoid and old
Her husband knew she wouldn't want to dance
She knew she was expected to relinquish her control
And hand it to a boy in rented pants
And as she sat there smoking
She felt like she was choking
A victim of unhappy circumstance
Doug, Doug, Doug walks down the aisle
Doug, Doug, Doug is dressed so snappy
Doug, Doug, Doug lets out a smile
Doug, Doug, Doug looks almost happy, happy
The mother of the bride was feeling purposely ignored
She hated when the other parents laughed
And even though the wine was not the best they could afford
She asked the waiter for a new carafe
And as she sat there reeling
And slowly lost all feeling
She drunkenly complained about the draft
Doug, Doug, Doug recites his credo
Doug, Doug, Doug feels armor-plated
Doug, Doug, Doug in his tuxedo
Doug, Doug, Doug looks like a waiter, waiter
Doug sees the flicker of a candle in the distance
And he wonders if the prayers will ever end
Doug knows the family's there to offer their assistance
And he's happy that so many could attend
Doug feels the decades pass
Doug feels at peace at last
Doug feels the pressure
As he wonders if he'll break the glass
The mother of the bride said she was ready to go home
Although her daughter hadn't cut the cake
She offered up a bridal toast in perfect monotone
And said that it was all a big mistake
But when she looked behind her
The bridegroom would remind her
He'd had about as much as he could take
Doug, Doug, Doug's a little tired
Doug, Doug, Doug heads to the carriage
Doug, Doug, Doug into the fire
Doug, Doug, Doug heads into marriage, marriage, oh
Delilah Gets Married
Mel Cooleys
Doug - YT-10010
All of these people
Are here to remind me
That everything changes tonight
Friends of the family
And friends of the friends of the family
All wait for the sight
But I haven't heard
One single word
I can't seem to focus at all
Stuck in this dress
A fairy princess
Who's not quite at home at the ball
'Cause I never learned how to waltz
I never learned how to waltz
Dances in school had a whole different meaning
That wasn't dancing, just swaying and leaning
I can do cartwheels and turn somersaults
But I never learned how to waltz
These are the people
Who say that they love me
I'm hoping they all understand
If I pass on the groping
And look for an opening
To bury my head in the sand
'Cause after the wine
After we dine
After most everyone's met
After the hosts
Are done with their toasts
There lies Sunrise and Sunset
And I never learned how to waltz
I never learned how to waltz
One, two, three, one, two, three, I never bothered
To plan for this one little dance with my father
This could be one of life's crueler assaults
But I never learned how to waltz
How could I know that, way back
When we were listening to all of that music
That some day, I'd say we should have stuck with the flute
And I know one day, we may
Look back at all of this with some amusement
Remembering our wedding
Me nervously sweating
And you in that maitre d's suite
How could I know that, way back
When we were planning for all of this eating and drinking
We'd rethink not eloping that night
('Cause I know one day, I'll say
We should have spent some more time on the seating
We should have examined
The choice of the salmon
And I should have never worn white
All of these people
Are here to remind me
That somebody's honeymoon bound
Friends of the family
And friends of the friends of the family
Are circling around
So don't be so fast
To step on the glass
I'm not really ready to cheer
I would be glad
To dance with my dad
If everyone else wasn't here
'Cause I never learned how to waltz
I never learned how to waltz
Would all of the relatives call me a cheat
If they happened to notice me stand on his feet
'Cause it's not the best moment to show off my faults
And I never learned how to waltz
Tell me this evening won't ground to a halt
'Cause I never learned how to waltz
Doug's Divorce-Preamble (Doug and the TV-Part Two)
Mel Cooleys
Doug - YT-10010
If I could buy you a remote for your remote, dear
Maybe you would show some signs of life
And float the slightest smile in my direction
From somewhere in the pale blue TV light
‘Cause I left a little something in the kitchen
And you said you’d pick up something from the store
But if you moved an inch since I left here this morning
That’s an inch more than you moved the day before
I remember when we made our love connection
And I thought somehow that we could make a deal
We could spend a little time with Mother Nature
Then we could spend a little time with Ron Popeil
And I tried to see beyond the Ponderosa
But I couldn’t change the way it made me feel
‘Cause the jokes on Mama’s Family aren’t funny
And the fights on Jerry Springer aren’t real
But I know that you’ll be happy
Yes, I know that you’ll be happy
With the Hogans, the Hakawi and Hank Hill
Yes, I know that you’ll be happy
With the world of lifelike color
And I envy you the time you found to kill
If I thought there was a chance of good reception
I would try to think of something else to do
But the stuff that’s between me and that antenna
Would take more than a Ginzu to cut through
‘Cause I could stand here in my birthday suit for hours
And I’m pretty sure that you would never see
But if I stood that way in front of the camcorder
I know that you would watch me on TV
And I know that you’ll be happy
Yes, I know that you’ll be happy
With your cylons and your vorlons and your trill
Yes, I know that you’ll be happy
With the satellites and cables
And a little extra network time to fill
And so I’m coming to you now without commercials
In the only way to play this final scene
‘Cause the one time that you’ll ever see this program
Will be here on tape delay on your big screen
If I could buy you a remote for your remote, dear
Maybe you would show some signs of life
And float the slightest smile in my direction
From somewhere in the pale blue TV light
‘Cause I understand the need for television
I like PBS and CNN
But Gilligan will never leave that Island
And Lassie won’t be coming home again
And I know that you’ll be happy
Yes, I know that you’ll be happy
With your sisters Wendy, Landers, and Bertrille
Yes, I know that you’ll be happy
With the world of motion pictures
Just as sure as you’ll be happy standing still
Doug's Divorce-Part Two
Uncle Bonsai
Doug - YT-10010
Do you like to pull the band-aid quick or slow?
Do you like to be the first or last to know?
Is there someone you could phone
So you won’t be here alone
As you learn about the future blow by blow
Did you ever have the feeling something’s died?
Did you ever notice nothing left inside?
If I told you I was spent
Would you wonder what it meant
As we wandered through the silence side by side
I could never tell what you were thinking
Maybe if we talked a little less and listened more
Every day that past I felt us sinking
Deeper than I ever sank before
I’ll be coming in the morning for my life
And I hope that you’ll forgive the twisted knife
But when it comes right down to it
We just never really fit
And I wish you better luck with your next wife
You’re a lovely boy, Doug
Such a lovely boy
There’s a lovely girl out there still waiting
You deserve some joy, Doug
You deserve some joy
You’re lovely boy, Doug
You’re a lovely boy
Have you ever simply lost your appetite
Or thought of never coming home one night
That would really end it well
It’s a story you could sell
And you could finally tell your mother she was right
You’re a lovely boy, Doug
Such a lovely boy
There’s a lovely girl on the horizon
There’s a world to join, Doug
There’s a world to join
You’re lovely boy, Doug
You’re a lovely boy
There is nothing I can say to ease the burden
I was never one for crocodile tears
I will leave you everything to store your hurt in
And I’ll give you alimony for at least a couple years
You’re a lovely boy, Doug
Such a lovely boy
I was not as lovely as you needed
And I filled the void, Doug
I just filled the void
You’re lovely boy, Doug
You’re a lovely boy
Do you like to pull the band-aid quick or slow?
Do you like to be the first or last to know?
You were such a gentle touch
And you gave away so much
I never thought about the undertow
But I always knew I’d be the first to go
Doug and the Family Feast
Uncle Bonsai/Electric Bonsai Band
Unreleased 2005
I can see you've gotten used to disappointment
Maybe that's the smartest thing you've done
Every family has disappointing children
You're the one
And I see you like a doggie in the window
Your eyes grow wide with every passing car
I thought you would avoid these situations
But here you are, Here you are
Pass the bread
Pass the wine
Pass that story one more time
They can tell you're gong to take it on the chin
And they've found a way to keep the skin real thin
To burrow down
And settle in
You can sit and watch them volleying for hours
But your silence doesn't really keep the peace
Don't you realize that the one who squeals the loudest
Gets release
And I think you've lost your craving for transition
What you were before will always shine right through
You were born to play this permanent position
Lucky you
Pray for darkness
Pray for rain
Pray for locusts or a plague
Pray for peace
Pray for shame
Pray for someone else to blame
Pray for family running silently and deep
For the keepsakes that you didn't want to keep
For the family that's happiest asleep
All those years you could have studied this disease
And the pleasure in this dying by degrees
You've been scoring like a member of the team
And you missed the chance to question the regime
Think of all you could have done with self-esteem
Or a head of steam
Now I know you really want a second helping
It's the pain we bring that makes us feel alive
So you'll sit and make the same mistakes forever
And you'll survive, You'll survive
Pass the time
Pass the test
Pass another pound of flesh
Pass the buck
Pass the rest
Pass the things that won't digest
Pass the front door and head straight on through to morning
Pray for allies or at least an early warning
And the strength to breathe without an atmosphere
When the family comes home again next year
Doug's Greatest Christmas Ever
Uncle Bonsai and Mel Cooleys
Doug - YT-10010
Look at the streets of the city all covered in snow
Passels of people with presents and places to go
Filling the sidewalks with carols and holiday cheer
Forgetting who makes it all possible year after year
Families flock to their friends for some fruitcake and fun
A fabulous, flavorful feast for their favorite Son
But back at the office there's plenty of work to be done
And there's only one person to count on when everyone's gone
Doug will be there whatever the means
Doug will be there to man the machines
Doug will be there to hold it together like glue
Doug's dependable
Doug's commendable
Doug's determined to be there for you
Doug's the man of the hour, the company Jew
Doug goes down to the 7-11 at ten
Perfectly proud to be working on Christmas again
Doug grabs a donut a lovingly loosens his belt
Yoo-hoos and Yodels with the last of the Chanukah gelt
Santa Claus smiles and ushers him into the store
Right to the Santa with nachos who smiles some more
Santa Claus bags up the goods for the Santa Claus clerk
So taxi-cab Santa can get Doug right back to his work
Doug will be there whatever the means
Steam the letters or clean the latrines
Doug will be there when nobody else can come through
Doug will make the pitch
Doug will throw the switch
Doug is one of the proud, brave and few
Doug is the man of the hour, the company Jew
And Mom's in Miami with dozens of cousins and wives
Picking over the final remains of their lives
But there's Kreploch and cake in the kitchen and plenty of each
And a long list of numbers in case she should need to be reached
Doug cracks the thermos and quietly fills up his glass
A toast to the masses amassed at their holiday mass
So remember the people like Doug when the service begins
Especially since you will need them when Easter rolls in
Doug will be there whatever the means
Pack the programs or stack magazines
Doug's so reliable, that's undeniably true
Doug's desirable
Unretirable
Who else can do the things Douglas can do?
Doug is alive with the power of the company Jew
Doug's so sensible
Indispensable
Light the menorah, there's thanks overdue
Doug is the man of the hour, the company Jew
Doug Goes Home: Running With Scissors
Uncle Bonsai/Electric Bonsai Band
Unreleased 2007
I am sliding down the bannister again
I am waiting for a lesson to be learned
I am skating down the hallway
I am writing on the walls
And I’m running with scissors
I am waiting for a voice to cut the air
The first and second steps have always creaked
And I didn’t really notice
That I didn’t wipe my shoes
And I’m lurking in shadows
Stuck between what’s good and what is good for me
I will always do what’s perfect for the family
And I’m picking off the fresh fruit from a dying tree
Gently
I am standing where the piano used to be
I am counting all the height lines by the door
I remember every scar
And where the pictures used to be
And I’m looking for someone
I am gonna put my eye out
I am gonna write in ink
I will leave the water running
On the dishes in the sink
There is nothing left to stop me
From leaving on this light
And I will close this door forever
I am sitting where the liars always sat
I am seeing from a very different view
I am talking while I’m chewing
With my elbows on the table
And I’m using your voices
Houses sound so different when you’re listening
Hard to hear it breathe without the arguing
Never really thought you might be leaving me
Empty
I am gonna sit on counters
I’ll be standing on the brink
I will stare into this light bulb
And I’m never gonna blink
There is no one supervising
I’m all alone tonight
And I will close this door forever
You said if I left food out
We’d be overrun with ants
But I don’t see a single ant or even worse an ant attack
And I’m not saying you were lying
But, again there are no ants
And all those years that I spent worrying ‘bout
the ants I won’t get back
I am visiting this resting place again
I am gathering the pieces
Under beds, behind the curtains
I am offering a blessing
I am chasing out the demons
I have entered without knocking
And I’m burying the hatchet
I am gonna talk to strangers
I am gonna smoke and drink
I will leap before I look
And I will speak before I think
There is no one here to show me
Wrong from right
And I will close this door forever
That’s if I close this door
I will close this door forever
Doug's Second Proposal
Electric Bonsai Band
Primal Urges - YT-10011
I will never be the man you always dreamed of
I will never be the man I thought I'd be
I may never have that spark
Or ever leave my mark
I will never have a place in history
I may never have a sense of satisfaction
I may never get a glimpse of something great
I would never try to be
A man of destiny
I would never want to tempt that fate
I will never be your prince
It will be years of second guessing
I could never work that hard to win
I will never be invincible
Though that might be a blessing
I could never handle such thick skin
I will never say that love can last forever
I have never seen a love that stayed around
And though I'll never be the one
You dreamed when you were young
I could never be the one to let you down
I would never want to make
...Make that same mistake
I will never let you down
Doug At Home
Mel Cooleys
Doug - YT-10010
I knew someday that he'd explode
I can't pretend I was surprised
And when he reached that overload
I almost welcomed his demise
Don't say that I'm uncaring
Don't say that that's the way it goes
'Cause while he sat there staring
I saw the flames come through his clothes
He loved his new remote control
He used to hold it like a friend
And every day he'd sell his soul
To press that button once again
Don't say that it's a blessing
Don't say he only wasted space
I'm not just second guessing
I saw the look upon his face
Doug saw the writing on the wall (So typical)
Doug felt the ax about to fall (So typical)
Everybody doesn't like to face defeat
Everybody doesn't have to take the heat
No use sitting alone like Doug at home
I knew someday that he'd explode
And when the fire finally came
I settled in to watch the show
And thought about his new-found fame
There was no time to smother
Before it started it was done
Don't ask about his mother
She hardly noticed he was gone
Doug had a little time to kill (So typical)
Doug had to find another thrill (So typical)
Everybody has a plan to face the dark
Everybody wants to try to leave their mark
Leave your name by the phone for Doug at home
No match, no cigarette
Imagine that still nobody cares
His mom's so glad she didn't forget
To put the plastic on the chairs
Doug had no other place to turn (So typical)
Doug found a final bridge to burn (So typical)
Everybody wants to have the final word
Everybody's got a flare for the absurd
Can't get blood from a stone ask Doug at home
Doug At The Gates Of Hell (Epilogue)
Electric Bonsai Band
Lounging in the Belly of the Beast - YT-10009
Doug - YT-10010
An old Jewish woman, who had been very observant and faithful her entire life, lay on her death-bed surrounded by her family. Feeling her time was approaching, she called for the rabbi who, as he came close to hear her whispered last wishes, was surprised to see the beads around her neck. "Golde", the rabbi cried out. "Why are you wearing a rosary?" The old woman looked up at the rabbi and sighed: "What if they're right?"
I've had religion all my life
And now that life is gone
I'm face to face into the light
And I guess I'm moving on
Just an ordinary life
An ordinary soul
I'll miss the mornings with my wife
The nights we spent alone
All those perfect little fights
In our perfect little home
Just an ordinary wife
I will miss her growing old
Thank you for the flowers
They were just the perfect touch
And I'm sorry for the phone calls
Have they hurt you very much
Keep an eye out on my mother
This is sure to take its toll
I've had religion come and go
But kept it in my heart
And if that heart was beating slow
Well, at least it played a part
Just an ordinary heart
Didn't have the fight
And I've tried to practice what I preach
But only preach a bit
And if that light is out of reach
Well, I guess I'll handle it
Just an ordinary light
We never kissed good-bye
Could I ask you for a favor
Even though it's not our way
Sing a psalm or light a candle
Say a prayer for me today
Just in case I wasn't chosen
And the Catholics were right
I've kept religion in its place
So hard and resolute
I see you've found the perfect space
And you found my favorite suit
Just an ordinary place
Can I watch you breathe?
All those notches on the belt
Those diets on display
I took a pill or two myself
And I'm here now anyway
Just an ordinary day
Do you have to leave?
Keep it singular and simple
With nothing underneath
And let my epitaph be something
That my children will receive
Here lies a man who will believe
When it's convenient to believe
Doug's Resurrection: Part One - Doug
Uncle Bonsai
Unreleased - 2009
Where’s my puppy, Where’s my puppy
Where’s my candy, where’s my sled
Where the hell’s my grandpa
Thought he’d be here by the bed
Now that I’m dead, really dead
Where’s my puppy, Where’s my puppy
Where’s my mother and my pets
Someone said there might be virgins
Everyone gets blondes and brunettes
And no regrets
I’ve always been a strong proponent of the marital vow
So please forgive me for a moment, I’m just thinking out loud
They say what happens in clouds, stays in the clouds
Where’s my puppy, Where’s my puppy
Where’s the guy with all the keys
I threw money after money
Don’t I get to meet the cheese
I did every little mitzvah that they said I should do
On the worst of days I said an extra barucha or two
You know I thought that I had turned into a pretty good Jew
What else is new?
What do I do?
(Let’s hear some angels singing)
Doug, this is a really special moment
Doug, this is the first day of the end of your life
I think that I could learn to be a little selfish
I’m looking forward to the bacon and the shellfish
Doug (Stop calling)
Doug (Stop calling)
Doug (La, La, La, I’m not listening)
Where’s my puppy, Where’s my puppy
Was the rabbi ever here
We had all those conversations
I made my intentions clear
I felt so confident that I had been professionally blessed
I thought I might have even felt the hand of God on my chest
(Where are those angels hiding)
Doug, this is what everybody yearns for
Doug, this is the last time you’ll be taking this trip
I thought Elijah might be there to ease the boredom
After all the manischewitz that we poured him
Doug (Stop calling)
Doug (Who’s calling)
La, La, La, La, La, La, La
I’m heading into the light
At least I think it’s the light
I really hope it’s the light
‘Cause I’m heading into it
I never wanted to fight
I tried to get to the light
But if there was heaven tonight
I haven’t been to it
I felt one hell of a spark
I heard a flutter so faint
If God was there in the dark
He doesn’t know his own strength
Where’s my puppy, Where’s my puppy
Is he upstate on the farm
Sue the doctors, sue the doctors
They’re supposed to do no harm
You know I thought that I might get a little peace at the end
I didn’t realize I would have to face my family again
(Those aren’t angels, are they?)
Doug, this is your early morning feeding
Doug, this is the last time we’ll be having this bath
I left the documents right there where they could see ‘em
You know that I could live without the carpe diem
Doug (Stop calling)
Doug (Stop calling)
Doug (La, La, La, La, La, La, La)
Doug's Resurrection: Part Two - Same Death, Different Viewpoint
Uncle Bonsai/Electric Bonsai Band
Unreleased - 2009
I set the thing in motion
I liked to watch it spin
And now and then I added an amino
I filled it up with ocean
And sprinkled something in
And suddenly there’s Barney, Fred, and Dino
There never was a recipe
That seemed like such a waste
I started it organically
At least, organic-based
You take a bunch of proteins
And you season it to taste
I set the thing in motion
But then I had to quit
I thought that I had heard my mother calling
I never had the notion
A single cell could split
Imagine my surprise to see you crawling
With only three dimensions
Some fruit trees and some snakes
I had no real intentions
I guess that them’s the breaks
I didn’t pay attention
Hell, we all make mistakes
There is nothing up here waiting
In this still and perfect air
No beautiful horizon
That I might want to share
I left you fire and free will
From the moment of your birth
I only gave you heaven on earth
I set the thing in motion
And might have got it wrong
I should have made the whole thing out of playdough
‘Cause there’s always such commotion
When someone comes along
And thinks they see my face in a potato
I always kept my distance
I never shared my views
Even my existence
Was not the front page news
Well, maybe just a couple times
I kibbitzed with the jews
There is not a cloud to stand upon
No dog or fish in sight
No supergroup of superstars
Jamming through the night
I left you greener pastures
And you sent back astroturf
I only gave you heaven on earth
You had orange, yellow orange, orange yellow
You had lemon, goldenrod, and tangerine
From mandarin, to cantaloupe, to pumpkin
With every other melon in between
Still, with all those things at your disposal
And intelligent, or really smart, designs
A billion folks with nothing on their minds
Never learned to draw outside the lines
There is no one watching over you
You’re fat because you’re fat
No ever, ever, ever after
Where’s the fun in that
I left you no distractions
And nothing’s what it’s worth
I only gave you one thing
(At least I gave you something)
I only gave you heaven on earth |
