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UNCLE
BONSAI ^20th Century Man Kicking and screaming I was pulled through the wire I was dragged through the wire Like a rat on a hook I was moused, I was modemed I was bitted and byted I was rammed, I was rommed But I never partook I don't need all the news fit to print at a private address Anything worthwhile will find its way into the press Heart in my stomach I was waiting and waiting I was constantly waiting For the contents to list I was cookied and counted I was tracked, I was trampled I was chatted and chided For the calls that I missed I belong to the party lines, rotary dials When person to person meant shaking a hand I can talk to my friends on a string and a can I'm a 20th century man Clicking and clicking I was drawn to the channels I was pulled to the channels Like a rat in a maze I was tunered and timered I was played and rewinded I was programmed and primered For the local arrays As I stared at the clock there was nothing I wanted to see As I turned to the box I knew it would be flashing at me Constantly clicking I was pressing on buttons I was pushing the buttons As I read the display I was surveyed and sought I was cornered and caught I was brought down and bought For just pennies a day I belong to a solid oak 19 inch console With buttons and dials I turn with my hand I belong to the networks, all perfectly bland I'm a 20th century man, a 20th century man Real lemonade, That's right, real lemonade And a spot in the shade That would be nice Nothing that beeps No more buzzes or beeps Nobody leaps For some wireless device Maybe a record, we could listen to records I would still buy a record for a reasonable price Nothing to do but sit talking to you With a Ballantine brew and a big block of ice Hoping and praying I was stuck to the message I was tuned to the message Like a rat on a wheel I was held, I was handled I was processed and promised I was traded and transferred I was shuffled and spieled I was Kennied and Carlosed And Beatled and Breaded One hundred, one stringed For some fabulous deal I belong to the Caldors, the Woolworths, Korvettes I belong with the products you hold in your hand I belong to the places with aisles to scan I'm a 20th century man I belong to the Kreskes, to Kresges and Kress I belong to a shopping cart filled by my hand If a 7-11 can't, nobody can I'm a 20th century man, a 20th century man ^The Reunion Song I didn't like you then I didn't like you later Come to think of it I do not like you now You said you were my friend So why can't I remember Anything but misery When you would come around I see you've got a drink I see you've got a name tag I see you've got an escort That must have really cost You say you really missed me So why don't I believe you I'm still stuck remembering All the love not lost Look at all the women that you never got to meet Look at all the plastic on display Look at all those athletes, so heavy on their feet Look, there goes another bad cliché I saw you in the lobby I saw you check the mirror I watched you pull your stomach in That was really great You look like you've been waiting For this night to come forever The letter sweater suits you You're such a fashion plate Tell me, don't you think it's kind of strange The more things change, the more they stay the same 25 years later and they still misspell my name I'm so glad I came I know you had a dream I know that dream has faded I know that you've been holding on To all you used to be But we all make mistakes Mistakes can last forever Forever is the kind of thing You get for hurting me Tell me, don't you think it's kind of strange The more things change, the more they stay the same Men will come and men will go, I still have you to blame I'm so glad I came Look at all the women that you never got to kiss Look at how their luck has never left them Look at how bad choices that you made back then persist Look at how those nights together all come down to this I didn't say hello I didn't reminisce I didn't come to gloat about Our lives and our careers I really should be going I saw the few I missed I promise I will hate you For another 20 years Tell me, don't you think it's kind of strange The more things change, the more they stay the same All your best behind you, now isn't that a shame I'm so glad I came Nothing comes in handy like a little bit of fame I'm so glad I came ^I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I'm Trying To Read Love is Love is talking Love is talking like a human being I could stand the silence if it had some meaning I could take the violence if it added spark If these fits of caring weren't so demeaning I could stand you staring in the dark I can feel you staring in the dark Love Love is Love is smiling Love is smiling when the punch is low I could stand the pressure if you didn't need me I could take the pleasure with a grain of salt I would lose the anger if you didn't feed me With the constant pangs of fear and fault I love you, I love you I love you, no really I love you, please trust me Must we keep repeating I love you, I love you Just call my machine In between when you see me And when you've been seen 'cause I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you Love Love is Love is hoping that the door won't slam I could stand the flowers if the thorns would stick me I could stay for hours if you'd let me bleed I could bring you closer if you'd show some hunger You're just so much younger than I need I love you, I love you I love you, I love you I said it, I love you, I'm trying to read I love you, I love you I love you, I love you I'd love you to stay and I'd love you to leave Oh, he's so sensitive He's so sensitive He's so sensitive That's what the other girls say You can see in his eyes That there's love in his eyes So I look in your eyes And the love's in the way I love you, I love you I love you, I love you I love you, I love you I love you It can't be more clear Yes, I love you, I love you I love you, I love you I'd love you much better If you weren't here I could stand the chanting if I spoke the language I could take the ranting if the time was right I'd be sympathizing with your cries of anguish If you'd only sleep at home to night Oh, he's so sensitive He's so sensitive He's so sensitive That's what the other girls say You can see in his eyes That there's love in his eyes So I look in your eyes And the love's in the way I love you, I love you You heard me, I love you I love you, I said it I'll say it again and Again and again And I love you, I love you I love you, I love you Now when will this end 'Cause I love you, I love you I love you, I love you I love you, I love you I love you, I love you ^The Letter Judy has a tryout with the pep squad I've been pulling strings all afternoon She's following in footsteps That were following in footsteps I don't believe this day can end too soon Billy has been fighting with the neighbors Barry says it's boys just being boys It's really not a crime But I wish I had a dime For every little thing that he destroys Did you move again, I think you moved again You must've moved again, the other notes I sent you were returned And I couldn't find your number No one has your newest number It's no wonder every one is so concerned Every Tuesday morning I go running Barry says he thinks it's really cute I wish he'd pay attention 'cause I don't have to mention That I'm the one who sees that birthday suit Did you hear the sordid details, all the really sordid details Why the Millers and the Myers got divorced Seems that there's no way of knowing Through the comings and the goings Just which progeny came flowing from which source There's a barbecue at everybody's house tonight There are people who would love to see your smile There's a never ending flame And there's a burger with your name And we all hope that you can make it for a while Mr. Keene retired from the classroom He was really old when we were only five They gave him a gold watch But the way he smelled of Scotch It's amazing that that guy is still alive And everybody's talking 'bout the paper Barry doesn't even want it in the shop They raised the price five cents Which seems a little dense Since Garfield is no longer right on top There's a chance to get together with the gang tonight There are folks you haven't seen and never call There's one store that's open late And there's name tag by your plate And we all hope that you can make it after all Has it really been so long since we were sitting at that place Do you remember what's his face and what's her name And how about the family, I wonder 'bout your fam'ly For the most part aren't families all the same And I hope this letter finds you least as happy as I am I've got more happiness than I could ever use And I hope that you'll forgive me, I've been really really busy And a form letter's the only way to cover all the news There is someone doing something somewhere close tonight There are faces that have never gone away There are photos we can take And there are memories at stake And we all hope that you can make it back this way There are pictures in a book So we'll remember how you look And we all hope that we can meet again some day ^Doug's Divorce: Part Two Do you like to pull the band-aid quick or slow? Do you like to be the first or last to know? Is there someone you could phone So you won't be here alone As you learn about the future blow by blow Did you ever have the feeling something's died? Did you ever notice nothing left inside? If I told you I was spent Would you wonder what it meant As we wandered through the silence side by side I could never tell what you were thinking Maybe if we talked a little less and listened more Every day that past I felt us sinking Deeper than I ever sank before I'll be coming in the morning for my life And I hope that you'll forgive the twisted knife But when it comes right down to it We just never really fit And I wish you better luck with your next wife You're a lovely boy, Doug Such a lovely boy There's a lovely girl out there still waiting You deserve some joy, Doug You deserve some joy You're lovely boy, Doug You're a lovely boy Have you ever simply lost your appetite Or thought of never coming home one night That would really end it well It's a story you could sell And you could finally tell your mother she was right You're a lovely boy, Doug Such a lovely boy There's a lovely girl on the horizon There's a world to join, Doug There's a world to join You're lovely boy, Doug You're a lovely boy There is nothing I can say to ease the burden I was never one for crocodile tears I will leave you everything to store your hurt in And I'll give you alimony for at least a couple years You're a lovely boy, Doug Such a lovely boy I was not as lovely as you needed And I filled the void, Doug I just filled the void You're lovely boy, Doug You're a lovely boy Do you like to pull the band-aid quick or slow? Do you like to be the first or last to know? You were such a gentle touch And you gave away so much I never thought about the undertow But I always knew I'd be the first to go ^Just One Angel Every Sunday God wakes up to everybody's problems All those voices asking for forgiveness Half asleep he waves his hand to quickly mass absolve them Wondering why he constantly relives this I don't want to take that time away From someone who might really need A sign from God that day Angel Michael on his knees Trying to find the time to help us I don't need such expertise I could never be that selfish Isn't there a minor angel Not an angel one might miss I can talk to, I can turn to There to handle this Sunday morning in the choir I'm the one who's singing off key By my bedside in the darkness I will say my prayers so softly Isn't there a lonely angel Not an angel fully booked I can call on, I can sing to Someone overlooked Just one angel Just one angel Angel only I can see Just one angel Just one angel Watching over me Sometimes when my heart is full It makes me feel a bit frenetic Fallen angel takes the bullet Wouldn't that be so poetic Isn't there a private angel Unremembered, underused Second angel, No one's angel Someone God excused Just one angel Just one angel Angel only I can see Just one angel Just one angel Watching over me All those days and nights God slaved to give us creature comforts Why would we have free will If he thought we'd always call Maybe it's a lack of sleep That keeps him feeling vengeful Maybe he'd be sweet and soft If he could have his Sundays off Just one angel Just one angel Angel only I can see Just one angel Just one angel Watching over me ^You Call That A Hat Do you seek some sort of shelter Do you feel left all alone Has the rain torn you asunder Have you strayed too far from home Is that catching all the crumbling From the buildings up above Are you putting all your eggs Into the one thing that you love Have you found the better bargain Do you have such fashion flare Have you fallen in with strangers Who don't care the way I care Is that something you believe in Settled in and screwed on tight Did you have to steal the courage Just to wear it out at night Is this a pick-me-up or put-you-down for all the simple folk Is that a starting point, a calling card, a riddle or a joke Is that what you've come up with, I'm not so sure about that Do you call that a hat Do you look to flaunt your freedom Is that really what you meant Was it free there for the taking It's worth every single cent Will it keep you from the windstorm Will it shade you from the sun Will it save you from your troubles When the day is finally done Is that a question or an answer or a statement or a fact Is that an accident, an attitude, a fashionist attack Are you happy under cover, how's the echo under that Do you call that a hat I've always been your true advisor Did someone tell you that I lied Who are these ones who came between us That brought you to the darker side You have always been the seeker I have been your second skin How did I become the pupil On the outside looking in Is that a movement or a mix-up or a momentary lapse Is that a crises, a condition, philosophical collapse Is that a new tradition, I see nothing wrong with that Or is it just a hat ^I Awoke In Iowa Life passing by Staring up at the sky In a corn field as high As an elephant's eye Though I don't know why An elephant might be in Iowa I don't recall Ever feeling this small Eye on the ball As it slows to a crawl Surrounded by all Of this merciless sprawl they call Iowa Here's to the plow Here's to the plowers Here's to the quilting For hours and hours Here's to the tractors The children can drive Here's to the churches That keep us alive......... How does it feel Standing out in a field With the women who kneel At the thought of chenille I'm nothing but veal And I'm hardly a meal here in Iowa There's Mrs. Mullins And Mrs. Brown's rooster There's Mrs. Billington Bradford and Brewster The Fullers and Fishers Are worried 'bout frost There's Mrs. Rosenberg She must be lost Now, I fell asleep to the sounds of the subway The pizzas and pretzels and cabbies and crime I fell asleep to the glow of excess Of a greater Grand Central, a good Guggenheim I fell asleep in the land of the famous Ain't that Jerry Seinfeld, Ain't that Robin Byrd But I opened my eyes and my ears to the strangest Most deafening silence that I've ever heard 'Cause when I awoke When I awoke I awoke in Iowa It's hard to ignore The God at the core While pacing the floor Of the general store Who could be bored Touring this vortex called Iowa Here's to the pious Here's to their pity Here's to the wonders Of Iowa City Here's to the prayer group That everyone joins Here's to the skyscraping Sights of Des Moines Now, I fell asleep in the city of angels With buildings that buckle, and sidewalks that burn I fell asleep to the trail of exhaust And fabulous people where ever you turn I fell asleep in the land of the large Angelika above me and stars left and right Then I opened my eyes to an infinite number Of stars that have kept me awake half the night 'Cause when I awoke When I awoke I awoke in Iowa Somebody pinch me 'cause I must be dreaming How can one survive with so massive a dose All of the bushytailed locals are beaming If this isn't heaven it's awfully close Of all of the places that made an impression Always an hor d'oevres and never a feast Here in the heartland the heart learns its lesson If those were the lessor, than this is the least Now, I fell asleep to the mochas and lattes The coffees and cafes, the beggers and books I fell asleep to the traffic and taxes And stadiums every which way that you look I fell asleep in the land of the outsider Isn't that Boonie* who's ready to leave Then I opened my eyes to the shock of the sun and A cultural wasteland you wouldn't believe 'Cause when I awoke When I awoke I awoke in Iowa *was "Junior" when written in 1999; Changed to A-Rod the following year; Changed to Edgar the following year ^Doug's Birthday Song The doctor slapped the baby So the mother slapped him back No one's gonna treat her boy that way No one really thought about How mother might react Proud to put her instinct on display She's slapped a few more doctor's since that day And he shall be And he shall be And he shall be The doctors and the nurses Couldn't bear to watch the pain They tried to stay outside the battle zone Sixty seven hours She spent waging that campaign Pushing through the spasms on her own And she sure as hell will use it when he's grown And he shall be And he shall be And he shall be He Shall Be.... (Doug) One perfect little egg (Doug) Grows perfect little legs (Doug) Turns into something that's a perfect little swimmer (Doug) One night of perfect love (Doug) One night was just enough (Doug) If she could just not shove, she'd love to keep him in her The father sat beside her Wondering how much she could take But knew to keep his body out of range Three days of breathing Trying hard to stay awake This was not a pattern he could change And no one enjoyed watching the exchange And he shall be He Shall Be.... (Doug) Ten perfect little toes (Doug) One perfect little nose (Doug) Forgive the purple prose, they couldn't have foreseen this (Doug) Four perfect little limbs (Doug) Three perfect little chins (Doug) Two perfect earlobes, and a perfect little penis Put aside the hand me downs Find the purest cotton Nothing but the best Will ever touch this baby's bottom This could be the greatest child Ever to be born Never mind the baby bonnet Where's the crown of thorns (Doug) Is this the second son (Doug) Born now for everyone (Doug) Most people can not tell one baby from another (Doug) Or just another youth (Doug) To suckle, burp and poop (Doug) Is this a child who might never leave his mother The doctor slapped the baby So the mother slapped him back This was not a mom to be ignored No one really saw it As a personal attack But this was not a lapse they could afford And someday soon they hope she'll cut the cord And he shall be And he shall be And he shall be ^The Iowa Apology Song Ames has got the Hilton Coliseum Cedar Rapids has an art museum The Blank Park Zoo is full Of friendly animals I doesn't cost a lot to go and see 'em Herbert Hoover came from Iowa John Wayne also came from Iowa A giant sign in Corning Says Carson comes from Corning He helped them build a brand new cinema Oh Gopher, made his way to Congress Gopher seemed so honest Gopher really cared Don't you know that Gopher, spurned the Hollywood Hills Now he works for Goodwill He's a millionaire West Bend has a rich and varied past The Grotto and Sod House are unsurpassed If you go to Johnston you'll Find the Camp Dodge swimming pool And you can see it as you motor past Next time through I'll stop for more than gas ^I Owe You An Apology (link to MP3 file) I knew a boy who said that happiness was lethal I think I might have spoke of him before I used every word I knew to say that, all things being equal We are really not so different at the core Piling on the syllables just trying to find some new twist Sometimes more is more, sometimes it's less All those minutes wasted finding words to rhyme with hubris That's a lot of baggage, I confess Suzy has a baby and another on the way Charlie still makes sandwiches, I heard he might be gay Johnny is successful, at everything he does Doug is still a never was I knew a girl who thought that every man was evil I'm sure I've sung about that once or twice I could have told you more but I was never fond of sequels Maybe I should take my own advice Happily ever after seemed so ripe for exploitation Looking back it seems a little cold After what I'd have to call a really long vacation Somehow I have softened, so I'm told I apologize for speaking out of turn And for all the bridges that I might have burned If I made any kind of impact, that wasn't meant to be I owe you an apology I knew a girl who said no love would ever fill her I guess that she was lonely for a while But you can sing about diseases, you can sing about a killer Just as long as you can sing it with a smile K-Mart isn't Kmart now, it's just a Giant K Love Boat is in dry dock, may it sail another day Olivia Newton John is still a very peppy girl I have been to Disney World I appreciate the kindness and concern It would take too long to tell you what I've learned All I really wanted was this opportunity I owe you an apology You know that it doesn't take a genius To make your living singing 'bout a penis There is nothing like shameless merchandizing And I'll say I'm sorry when I'm through apologizing More than the success for which I've yearned I wish I earned a lot more than I earned But that's not why I brought you here, although it isn't free I owe you an apology I'll apologize again if that is what you want from me I owe you an apology I knew a boy who said that happiness was lethal I think I might have spoke of him before ^Mother to Mother From her father To my father Without any time to breathe From her mother To a mother Almost nothing in between From her mother To a mother She could never be that strong From a mother To a daughter All that silence passed along From a mother To a daughter All that history held inside From a daughter To a mother I was never on your side From a daughter To a mother These were choices I could make From a mother To a daughter I won't make the same mistakes Mother to mother Mother to daughter Daughter to mother Mother to daughter From her father To my father From her mother To a mother From a mother To a daughter I could see it in your face From a daughter To a mother You will always have a place ^Doug's Divorce: Preamble (Doug and the TV: Part Two) If I could buy you a remote for your remote, dear Maybe you would show some signs of life And float the slightest smile in my direction From somewhere in the pale blue TV light 'Cause I left a little something in the kitchen And you said you'd pick up something from the store But if you moved an inch since I left here this morning That's an inch more than you moved the day before I remember when we made our love connection And I thought somehow that we could make a deal We could spend a little time with Mother Nature Then we could spend a little time with Ron Popeil And I tried to see beyond the Ponderosa But I couldn't change the way it made me feel 'Cause the jokes on Mama's Family aren't funny And the fights on Jerry Springer aren't real But I know that you'll be happy Yes, I know that you'll be happy With the Hogans, the Hakawi and Hank Hill Yes, I know that you'll be happy With the world of lifelike color And I envy you the time you found to kill If I thought there was a chance of good reception I would try to think of something else to do But the stuff that's between me and that antenna Would take more than a Ginzu to cut through 'Cause I could stand here in my birthday suit for hours And I'm pretty sure that you would never see But if I stood that way in front of the camcorder I know that you would watch me on TV And I know that you'll be happy Yes, I know that you'll be happy With your cylons and your vorlons and your trill Yes, I know that you'll be happy With the satellites and cables And a little extra network time to fill And so I'm coming to you now without commercials In the only way to play this final scene 'Cause the one time that you'll ever see this program Will be here on tape delay on your big screen If I could buy you a remote for your remote, dear Maybe you would show some signs of life And float the slightest smile in my direction From somewhere in the pale blue TV light 'Cause I understand the need for television I like PBS and CNN But Gilligan will never leave that Island And Lassie won't be coming home again And I know that you'll be happy Yes, I know that you'll be happy With your sisters Wendy, Landers, and Bertrille Yes, I know that you'll be happy With the world of motion pictures Just as sure as you'll be happy standing still ^Mr. Nice Who's that you've got on your arm Isn't that Mr. Nice Did he open the door Did he pull out the chair Did he let you decide Where you wanted to eat Did he pick up the check Did he kiss you goodnight Did he just shake your hand Mr. Nice always does What's the best thing for you And he'll never intrude Where he isn't invited He says it's a sign of respect Everything's wonderful Isn't it wonderful Wonder of wonders That's him to a T Mr. Nice loves you so Mr. Nice lets you know Mr. Nice is as nice as can be Wasn't that Mr. Nice Buying you clothes Did he pick out that dress Did he patiently wait While you tried it all on Did he help you decide Between pumps or highest of heels Did he draw you a bath While averting his eyes Did he serve you some tea Did he heat up the towels Mr. Nice always tells The most humorous jokes He knows all the best people and deals Everything's wonderful Isn't it wonderful He's so damn wonderful It's hard to breathe Mr. Nice is still there Mr. Nice in your hair Mr. Nice is as nice as can be Maybe tonight will be different He'll keep you out late Or he'll say something crude He could make an advance He could step out of line Even loosen his tie It's the least he could do Maybe he'll let down his guard You'll discover the truth About all of the women He's left in his wake That his name was a joke He was given in jail That would be something new Who's that I saw by your side Wasn't that Mr. Nice Did you give him the boot Did he drive you insane Was he really that nice Was it just a display Did he drink to your health Did he always defer Did he take his sweet time They all say Mr. Nice Always waits for his turn Was he none of the things Could you give him my number I'm willing to see for myself Everything's wonderful Isn't it wonderful He's Mr. Wonderful Don't you agree Mr. Nice is so nice It's worth saying it twice Mr. Nice is as nice as can be ^Where's The Milk (link to MP3 file) I can't believe I stepped into this situation comedy Like every stupid housewife seen on all those stupid shows Saturday you headed out for milk then Sunday came and Monday came And Tuesday came and then the next and so it goes I put my life together after looking like an idiot In front of all my family, our neighbors, and our kids And I sat through all that therapy and blamed myself and everybody else Before I started blaming you for what you did And now you wander back into my life To pick up where you left it And pretend it didn't happen Do I really look that dumb And you stand there empty handed With a smile that's ten years older And eyes that want to show me Just how far you've come But tell me.... Where the hell's the milk Where's the stupid milk All this time gone by You could have brought the whole damn cow Where the hell's the milk Where's the stupid the milk Oh tell me where's the milk now Every day I climbed into the car to drive to work and had to Pass by all those groc'ry stores and markets on the way Limping through the produce toward the dairy case and wondering If I would see your face upon the milk cartons some day And now you show up at the doorway Without an explanation Like you didn't think I'd notice That you hadn't been around And you stand there empty hearted With no weight upon your shoulders And you think I'm gonna celebrate That you were finally found? First tell me.... Where the hell's the milk Where's the stupid milk You'd think by now you would have found A quart or two somehow Where the hell's the milk Where's the stupid the milk Oh tell me where's the milk now And now you show up like a hangnail With no sense of indignation And you talk about the travels And the changes in your life And you stand there empty headed With no concept of contrition Wasting your material On someone else's wife So tell me.. Where the hell's the milk Where's the stupid milk See the expiration date Everything's gone sour Where the hell's the milk Where's the stupid the milk Oh tell me where's the milk now |
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