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ALL of the
Bonsai Lyrics!

UNDER CONSTRUCTION! If links aren't working yet, try here! Uncle Bonsai, Electric Bonsai Band (it's not electric, it's not a band), Mel Cooleys . . . a whole lot of words words have come out of Andrew Ratshin, Arni Adler, and Andrew Ratshin & Arni Adler. Most of these are available, in some form or another; some of them are gone forever. Take a look . . . all you have to do is click on the title!

    A

  • After The Flood [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Like her mother before her
    And her mother before
    Throw the child at the world
    It'll come back for more
    She can take it out on you
    That's the curse of the weak
    Throw the child at the world
    Hope it lands upon its feet

    Once the river starts
    Rising over banks
    Spilling over dams
    Threatening the town
    Some with stronger hearts
    Run for higher ground
    Some will be saved.....

    Take a child left alone
    From a child left behind
    Keep her pressed to the breast
    She'll be easier to find
    Leave the line with some slack
    It's a lesson she learned
    Turn a turtle on it's back
    And it's there when you return

    Once the river starts
    Rising over banks
    Spilling over dams
    Threatening the town
    Some with stronger hearts
    Run for higher ground
    Some will be saved
    Someone will drown

    You always drink from that cup
    You always drink from that cup
    You always drink from that cup
    And look what you've found
    You always drink from that cup
    You know this will swallow you up
    You always drink from that cup
    That's a lot to keep down

    Said the fly to the spider
    Though I could be wrong
    This is really fine work
    But the webbing's too strong
    That's her mother's affair
    That's her favorite song
    She's got plenty to spare
    So she'll pass it along

    Once the river's dry
    Once the threat is gone
    Once the road is safe
    Once the troops arrive
    Some with tired eyes
    Fade like fireflies
    Some fall behind
    Someone survives

    You always drink from that cup
    You always drink from that cup
    You always drink from that cup
    You keep coming around
    You always drink from that cup
    You know this will swallow you up
    You always drink from that cup
    That's a lot to keep down

    Like her mother before her
    And her mother before
    Throw the child at the world
    It'll come back for more


    Available on Lounging in the Belly of the Beast and Primal Urges

  • The Age of Reason [Electric Bonsai Band]

    And so you slept through the Age of Reason
    And you stepped into someone's art
    And you leapt at the chance to please them
    Just to tear them all apart

    And as you crept from behind the curtain
    Just a spoiler from the start
    You picked the ones who looked uncertain
    Did you have to be so smart

    And so you build some
    You break some
    You kill some
    You save some
    You spill from
    The bottom of the heart

    Would it really put your standing on the line
    To take a sip of pleasure time to time
    Spitting out frustration line by line
    That's not tasting art, that's wasting time
    Chewing up the scenery is fine
    But that's not tasting art

    And as they tried to extend their reach
    And disappeared before your eyes
    You showed that those who can't do teach
    And those who can't teach criticize


    Available on Lounging in the Belly of the Beast

  • The Airplane: Part Two [Electric Bonsai Band]

    As the plane went down I wondered how would I behave
    Judged by this, the last performance that I gave
    I could pull the lever down
    And maybe make a difference
    I could show the passengers
    The path of least resistance

    I was never one of those afraid to fly
    After all we're all on earth to live and die
    Maybe I'd feel better
    If all my affairs were settled
    Hovering above the ground
    In something big and metal

    No one knows exactly how this feels
    Waiting for the grinding of the wheels
    Thinking this was not the best of final meals

    All our trays are locked and all our baggage stowed
    I'm strapped in beside an extra heavy load
    How am I supposed to save him
    I am only mortal
    This is not a person who could
    Make it through the portal

    Maybe I have earned this hand that I've been dealt
    After all, I know I'm not exactly svelte
    I was never quite the kind
    To choose mind over matter
    All those extra peanuts
    Could have really made me fatter

    No one told me this would not be hard
    Dropping in on some suburban yard
    Now I wish that I had read the card

    We are flying...We are flying
    We are flying...We are dying

    Looking at the faces on this final flight
    I am so surprised I found the time to write
    The music doesn't really flow
    It's kind of hard to hum it
    If they didn't check my things
    I'm sure that I could strum it
    Still it's not so bad,
    It's being written as I plummet

    We are flying...We are flying
    We are flying...We are dying


    Available on Lounging in the Belly of the Beast

  • All The Real Cowboys Are Gone [Mel Cooleys]

    All the real cowboys are gone
    Even the ones on TV
    Rode through the sunset
    And out of the backlot
    With studio shoes on their feet

    Trade in the saddle-sores, turn in the gun
    And fade like the paint of the sun
    All the real cowboys are dirty and done
    All the real cowboys are gone


    Unreleased

  • A Lonely Grain of Corn* [Uncle Bonsai]

    I can't go out
    It's not safe
    They're waiting out there for me
    I never go
    I never will
    Their silos want to store me

    I'm in the house
    That's okay
    There's grating on the windows
    Out there they roast
    Before they kill
    And eat each fibrous morsel

    Why go out?
    Where there are picnics to offend me
    At the core of my being
    Why go out?
    Where there are pigeons to descend
    And order me "carry out"
    I can't abide
    I'll stay inside as I was born
    A lonely grain of corn

    They pick their teeth
    The yellow bits
    Remind and further damn me
    Why go out
    It's certain death
    And I'm the only grain of corn in my family

    I could live on the cob just as easily as they
    I could die with the mob
    In the parks and frigidares
    But I choose to be free
    Behind bars, far from birds
    With my husks wrapped around me to disguise
    And it's really, really corny but

    I've got to be me
    I've got to be me
    What else can I be
    But what I am
    A lonely piece of corn

    Recurrent dreams
    Of corn fed cows
    Cans of salted liquids
    Of unfelt tears
    Buttered worlds
    Laid out on a rice bed
    Happy dreams
    Of windswept fields
    Virgin stalks and fresh rains
    Of brave new corn
    Undeaf ears
    Freedom talks for farm grains

    Why go out?
    Where I'm a dime a dozen bargain
    At the old farmer's market
    Why go out?
    When in my prime a frozen giblet
    Is the most I can hope for
    I can't obey
    I think I'll stay as I was born
    A lonely grain of corn

    I can't go out
    It's not safe
    They're waiting out there for me
    I never go
    I never will
    'Cause I'm the only grain of corn
    In my family

    Lyrics: Arni Adler | Music: Andrew Ratshin
    Available on A Lonely Grain of Corn and "The Inessential Uncle Bonsai (live)

  • Anne* [Uncle Bonsai]

    Anne can keep a fish alive
    Anne can keep a fish alive
    Anne can keep a fish alive
    I don't know how she does it
    She also keeps her friends around

    Also keeps her friends around
    Also keeps her friends around
    I don't know how she does it

    Her house is always clean and bright
    House is always clean and bright
    Her house is always clean and bright
    I don't know how she does it

    She really seems to love her kids
    Really seems to love her kids
    Really seems to love her kids
    I don't know how she does it

    Anne knows when she's had enough
    Anne knows when she's had enough
    Anne knows when she's had enough
    I don't know how she does it

    She likes her job the way it is
    Likes her job the way it is
    Likes her job the way it is
    I don't know how she does it

    She gets along with family
    She gets along with family
    She gets along with family
    I don't know how she does it

    I don't know how
    I don't know how
    I don't know how
    I don't know how

    Anne can keep a fish alive
    Also keeps her friends around
    Her house is always clean and bright
    Really seems to love her kids
    Anne knows when she's had enough
    Likes her job the way it is
    She gets along with family
    I don't know how she does it

    Words: Arni Adler/Andrew Ratshin | Music: Andrew Ratshin
    Available on The Grim Parade

  • Another Fat Song [Uncle Bonsai]

    See the huddled masses cower in the corner
    While the people of position eat another pie
    See them calculate the calories and categories
    Counting up the carrots as the world goes by
    Everyone remembers all the really fat and ugly women
    Dancing with each other in the high school gym
    And everybody's read about the fat guy in the Guiness book
    And wondered what the hell was really wrong with him

    Look at all the chubby cheekers
    Checking out the chocolates
    While the people with the money do the fat boy dance
    Totally dumbfounded well endowed and so well rounded
    Crying out how they're the victims of a circumstance
    All the wealthy women who have recently discovered
    They could satisfy a lover with diminished girth
    Try to keep the secret but then ultimately leak it
    When they speak about the heaven that is here on earth

    There's a whole new breed of surgeon
    Fully armed with suction guns
    Hired by some health food virgin
    Tired of the fat farm fun
    No one's had the nerve to weigh her
    No one's seen a curve for years
    She can pay to see her layers disappear

    See the dietician losing by the hour
    While the people with the power take away her job
    See her mutter at her California cutter
    While he builds a perfect woman from a perfect slob
    Why should someone worry about eating in a hurry
    When the caramel and the curry can be cut away
    Why not stuff your faces
    If you know that there are places
    That can just surgically erase your every milky way

    See the rich girl fire her trainer
    See her tuck away her thigh
    See them make a vain girl vainer
    As they suck her body dry
    See her smile for the camera
    Hear her thank her lucky star
    They would kill to watch her fill the jelly jar

    See the upper crusters drawn and quartered
    See the plastic people rioting
    It's not exactly what the doctor ordered
    But so much easier than dieting
    Stick a needle in the fatty tissue
    Stick a needle in the derriere
    No one else could take a social issue
    Turn it into such a fashion fair

    See the kid who's been so totally insipid
    He's been saving up the lipids for a rainy day
    Thinks it kind of funny that some hypodermic honey
    For a little bit a money drains the past away
    Everyone who's phobic about being anaerobic
    Can endure the mock heroics of the surgeons' grind
    Every tofu hater can revert to steak and taters
    If he knows that sometime later he'll be redesigned

    See the girl who swallowed fingers
    Showing off her appetite
    Knowing there's some nut to cut out every bite
    Pinch a fistful and you've wrung the curtain
    Pinch a fistful and your lover's gone
    Why be wistful when you know for certain
    There's a blissful way to carry on
    Stick a needle and it's hello sailor
    Stick a needle and it's hello friend
    Send some business to your human tailor
    Spend the means to buy your perfect end

    Slip the tube
    Into the sack of suet
    As you pass the fluid with some tenderness
    Greet the future
    With a single suture
    As you roto-root your way to slenderness

    Stick a needle and you quit the fat boom
    Stick a needle and you quit the gym
    Join the people with the human vacuum
    They will keep you looking fit and trim
    Stick a needle and it's good-bye pressure
    Stick a needle and it's good-bye thighs
    Everybody needs a drastic measure
    Every body can be cut to size


    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn

  • Another Pretty Girl With A Guitar [Mel Cooleys]

    Look what's heading up the charts
    This is how the whole things starts
    Half the power, twice the parts
    This must be the queen of hearts
    Someone saw her in a bar
    That's where all the good ones are
    Another pretty girl with a guitar

    Stand around just looking bored
    Grab another big award
    Nothing ever untoward
    Fighting with a plastic sword
    Here's another shooting star
    This one's sure to make it far
    Another pretty girl with a guitar

    Look at how the bigwigs fight
    Grab the bait and take a bite
    Same discussion every night
    How'd she get her skin so white

    Height of fashion, black on black
    All emotions off the rack
    With everything that she might lack
    She'll need someone to watch her back
    Never mind the repertoire
    Call the fish eggs caviar
    Another pretty girl with a guitar

    Sing a note with lots of air
    Fix 'em with a vacant stare
    Hide behind a mess of hair
    That's a look that's really rare
    Get that man a new cigar
    Buy another fancy car
    Another pretty girl with a guitar


    Unreleased

  • Ashley's Little Blues [Uncle Bonsai]

    I hear your heartbeat
    I hear the rain
    I see you're puttin' on your shoes again
    Running away
    Nothing to say
    Good-bye

    I hear the thunder
    I hear the showers
    Lyin' here holding my breath for hours
    Something's amiss
    Give us a kiss
    Good-bye

    I let you in and I let you out
    I don't know if you're coming or going
    And still you whisper, and still you pout
    Through all of the love I am showing you

    I hear the darkness, I hear the door
    I see no reason in cryin' for more
    You won't return, someday I'll learn
    Good-bye


    Available on Plain Brown Wrapper


  • B

  • Bedroom Eyes [Uncle Bonsai]

    You say
    You love me
    For now
    For certain
    You say
    Whatever
    You think
    I want
    To hear
    You say that
    It's now
    Or never
    If not
    Forever
    At least
    We're here

    You say
    It's nothing
    Like true
    Romances
    It's true
    Romance is
    Not all
    It's said
    To be
    You say that
    We take
    Our Chance
    Maybe
    The chances
    Will fade
    Away

    It's all one liners
    It's "How much better can you do?"
    It's wine and diners
    It's one for all and all for you

    You say
    You love me
    That much
    Is easy
    You say
    You'll please me
    That's all
    You want
    To do
    You say that
    You'll take
    It easy
    It's not
    The worst thing
    That we
    Could do

    You pull no punches
    You need the damsel in distress
    Who'll play your hunches
    Who'll be a virgin more or less
    You'll spring for candy
    You'll have some secrets to confess
    You'll pour the brandy
    And pull the body from my dress

    You lead me to your bedroom
    I can see through your bedroom
    What do you do with bedroom eyes
    You open wide your bedroom
    I see inside your bedroom
    Don't try to hide those bedroom eyes
    Bedroom Eyes

    You say
    You'll leave me
    Some day
    With sorrow
    You say
    Tomorrow
    The world
    Might be
    Destroyed
    You say that
    You'll beg
    Or borrow
    So that
    Tomorrow
    Might be
    Enjoyed

    You choose the places
    So luck is always on your side
    You tie your laces
    To get a look at what I hide
    You make suggestions
    You toast the color of my eyes
    You show discretion
    When you've exhausted your supplies

    Why do you show your bedroom
    I think I know your bedroom
    I'll never go with bedroom eyes
    I heard about your bedroom
    I'd never doubt your bedroom
    I'll live without your bedroom eyes

    You wink, I wonder
    What is he trying to sell
    You think I'm under
    Some kind of magical spell
    You shave, You shower
    It's such a packaging ploy
    You crave the power
    That comes from being a boy

    What do you say to bedroom
    Just put away your bedroom
    I'll never stay with bedroom eyes
    The end begins with bedroom
    You'll never win with bedroom
    I won't look in your bedroom eyes


    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn

  • Big Chihuahua* [Uncle Bonsai]

    The world is a big chihuahua
    That's been put in the microwave
    Someone forgot when you cook chihuahua
    You have to poke holes or
    You've ruined a perfectly fine chihuahua

    Words: Arni Adler | Music: Andrew Ratshin
    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn

  • Big Fish [Electric Bonsai Band/Mel Cooleys]

    He's a big fish in a small pond
    And he's eaten everything,
    Eaten everything in sight
    Making circle after circle
    Looking for a big fish fight

    But this small pond's just a small pond
    And every other fish,
    Every other fish steers clear
    Circled wagons, boarded windows
    Every time big fish is near

    Now he could move to deeper waters
    He could find another shore
    He could set his sights on some exotic dish
    But the waters that run deepest
    Have their big fish by the score
    So he'd end up just another fish

    He's a big fish in a small pond
    And he likes to think that that's,
    Likes to think that
    That's the way God planned it
    And a big fish in a small pond
    Sometimes seems to come up empty handed

    He could get a little nosy
    He could try to change his stance
    He could throw another coin and make a wish
    But if he stays where it is cozy
    And he never takes the chance
    He will always be the biggest fish

    Big Fish, Small Pond

    Available on Lounging in the Belly of the Beast

  • Billboard Love [Uncle Bonsai]

    And the man is always smiling
    As he leans against his Cadillac
    And offers you your money back
    If you can beat his price
    And the woman's so beguiling
    As she rubs against her Chevrolet
    And offers you some repartee
    And motor trend advice

    And the heads are always spinning
    As the preacher holds the pearly gate
    For those who feed the Sunday plate
    With hopes to raise the dead
    And the dogs are always grinning
    As fleas and ticks destroy their coats
    While cowboys feed them milk bone floats
    And pat them on the head

    And the lawns are always happy
    And the kids are all well fed
    And the neighbors are as friendly as can be

    And the box of fettucine
    Spreads the word from out the parking lots
    The nutriments in every box
    Are just what they deserve
    And the girls in string bikinis
    Chase a never ending puberty
    While lifeguards sitting hubrisly
    Blow whistles at their curves

    And the kids are all in college
    And the lawns are all well groomed
    And the clothes are all as bright as white can be

    And all the pretty people
    In their latex gloves
    Living fortified and sugar free
    Riding off together
    In billboard love
    That's the only kind of love for me

    And the woman seems so daring
    As she sinfully enjoys a smoke
    And tells another risqué joke
    While other girls lament
    And the man is oh so caring
    As he sells you everything he can
    And offers an installment plan
    For just a small percent

    And the kids are all good Christians
    And the lawns are all but used
    And the neighbors love their coffee caffeine free

    And all the pretty people
    In their latex gloves
    Smoking Tipparillos by the sea
    Riding off together
    In billboard love
    That's the only kind of love for me

    Paper smooth complexion
    Teeth as white as tile
    Malibu perfection
    Pepsidented smile
    Over sexed and over sized
    Popular and pasteurized

    And all the pretty people
    In their latex gloves
    Waiting for the weekend to be free
    Living life forever
    In billboard love
    That's the only kind of love for me

    Available on A Lonely Grain of Corn, Boys Want Sex in the Morning, and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • Born Again [Uncle Bonsai]

    I have visited my enemy
    And eaten him for lunch
    I have acted out my fantasies
    While acting on a hunch
    I have faced down every friendly smile
    That ever came my way
    I have taken things that weren’t mine
    And never thought to pay

    You can see where needles marked me
    On my arms, beween my toes
    You can see a trail of money
    Down the drain or up my nose
    I have welcomed all the evil
    That I thought I could receive
    You don’t know the kind of freedom
    I have hidden up my sleeve

    I’m born again, I’m born again
    I can taste forbidden fruit ‘cause I am born again
    Say you’re sorry, make amends
    Hate thy neighbor? Kill thy friends?
    Have some wine, say amen
    I’m born again

    I have wagered with the devil
    I have traded on my soul
    And I found my lucky penny
    In the wallet I just stole
    The good things come so easy
    If you take from someone’s plate
    I’ll get everything I ever want
    From those who sit and wait

    And I’m born again, I’m born again
    I am keeping all the loot ‘cause I am born again
    It’s a blessing, not a trend
    Off the wagon? Why pretend?
    True forgiveness, in the end
    I’m born again

    Oh I tasted guilty pleasures
    And I drank from bloody water
    And I tore apart my fam’ly
    With my hands and with my voice
    Then I learned about forgiveness
    Oh I really like forgiveness
    I have asked for his forgiveness
    And he doesn’t have a choice

    I’m born again, I’m born again
    I am turning out the vote ‘cause I am born again
    Screwed my brothers way back when
    It was either me or them
    Dona eis requiem
    I’m born again

    Keep the faith? Well, that depends
    If I reap the dividends
    Next year in Jerusulem
    I’m born again

    Unreleased

  • Boys Want Sex in the Morning [Uncle Bonsai]

    Boys want
    Sex in the morning
    Sex in the morning
    When I'm not my best
    Boys want
    Sex in the morning
    Sex in the morning
    Tearing at my breast
    Boys want
    Someone who's winsome
    Someone to pin
    Someone to undertake
    Boys want
    Someone to fall on
    Someone to crawl on
    Someone half awake

    Boys want
    Sex in the morning
    Sex in the morning
    Covers at my knees
    Boys want
    Rotten conditions
    Passive positions
    I am a trapeze
    Boys want
    Someone who's sleepy
    Someone who's keeping
    Nothing in too deep
    Boys want
    Somebody first hand
    Someone to burst
    And then go back to sleep

    There is nothing I like better
    Than a jostle now and then
    With the hands under the sweater
    And the back that starts to bend
    But before my eyes are open
    I don't want to have to hide
    From a simpleton still poking
    With a thimbleful of pride

    Boys want
    Sex in the morning
    Sex in the morning
    Soiling the sheets
    Boys want
    Sex while I'm yawning
    Suddenly spawning
    When I'm half asleep
    Boys want
    Someone unconscious
    Somebody not just
    Waiting for a thrill
    Boys want
    Sex with surprises
    Sex with sunrises
    Someone on the pill

    There is nothing like a lover
    Who can satisfy your needs
    And the joy when you discover
    Just how often he succeeds
    But before my eyes can focus
    I don't need him to surprise
    By descending like a locust
    On a field of sleeping thighs

    Boys want
    Sex in the morning
    Sex in the morning
    When I'm still not fresh
    Boys want
    Something that strikes them
    Someone who likes them
    Fondling their flesh
    Boys want
    Someone to take and
    Someone to break and
    Comment on their size
    Boys want
    Someone to prod and
    Someone who'll nod
    And then just close her eyes

    Available on Boys Want Sex in the Morning and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • Buddha Boy [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Buddha had to make a decision
    Was it just a question of faith
    Everyone with vision could see, he had a lot on his plate

    So Buddha, in his awkward position
    Knew he couldn't leave it to fate
    'Cause it's easier to start a religion than to lose all that weight

    Available on Primal Urges

  • But I'm Happy Now [Electric Bonsai Band]

    I cut my arm
    I almost died
    But with a bandaid and a kiss
    You came to save me
    And there was hope
    And there was time
    There was a chance to use
    The wondrous gifts God gave me
    I held my breath
    I held my tongue
    But with an elbow to my ribs
    You would remind me
    That there was life
    That there was love
    That there were other people waiting
    Right behind me

    (You used to tell us that the end of the world was near)
    I used think that it was all gonna blow somehow
    (You used to sing about a world full of hate and fear)
    I used to think of all the misery that God allowed
    But I'm happy now

    I used to fight
    I used to curse
    But with a whack across my nose
    You would console me
    From left to right
    From bad to worse
    I felt release from all the things
    That used to hold me
    I was on fire
    You fanned the flames
    But with a momentary lapse
    You stopped my shaking
    And there was truth
    And there was fame
    There was a world out there
    To help with my awakening

    (You used to tell us that the people in the world were sheep)
    I used to think that they were lambs to the slaughterhouse
    (You used to tell us that you counted us in your sleep)
    I used to wonder what the agony was all about
    But I'm happy now

    Without my sneer, Without my smirk
    Without my jeers, Without my quirks
    Without the fears, Without the leers
    Without the jerks, Without the tears
    Without the peers, Without the perks

    (You used to tell us we were all gonna fade away)
    I used to think that I was far from the maddening crowd
    (You used to sing about the things that we couldn't say)
    I used to wonder 'bout a heaven that was filled with doubt
    But I'm happy now

    Available on But I'm Happy Now


  • C

  • Caroline [Uncle Bonsai]

    Caroline leaves me waiting on the phone
    While she goes to find a cigarette
    While she shows her sense of etiquette
    While she gives me something to forget
    And when I’m tired of being alone
    I can change the words inside my head
    While she talks of someone else instead
    While she leaves her problems in my bed

    Caroline likes to leave me in the hall
    While she goes to find the movie guide
    While she goes to find someplace to hide
    While she lets another man inside
    And when she says she misses my calls
    I can call to hear myself confide
    We will talk of sex and suicide
    And she seems unable to decide

    If she’s coming or going
    If she’s already gone
    If it’s even worth showing
    That she’s ready to move on

    Caroline leaves a light on in her room
    While she waits for men to come around
    While she goes to dinner on the town
    While she finds a place to settle down
    And when she says that we can resume
    I will wait to hear the words out loud
    I will be the voice without the sound
    I will be the stranger in the crowd

    Is she looking for someone
    Is she looking for change
    Is she looking for something
    she is sure to rearrange
    There’s a light in her window
    There’s a light in her eyes
    There’s a sign for her friends
    that she believes in all her lies

    Caroline I’m feeling uninspired
    Tell me that there’s something on the line
    Caroline you know I’m getting tired
    Of waiting for a love that isn’t mine

    Caroline thinks that everyone can see
    That she lives her life in constant pain
    That she has an image to maintain
    That she’s slowly slipping down the drain
    And when she’s tired of playing with me
    She will order up the best champagne
    She will find some friends to entertain
    She will say there’s nothing to explain

    I’ll be there when she needs me
    I’ve been there all along
    If she wants to release me
    Is there really something wrong

    Caroline I’m feeling uninspired
    Tell me that there’s something on the line
    Caroline you know I’m getting tired
    Of waiting for a love that isn’t mine

    She wakes up early
    And she tells me that it’s time to go
    She says she loves me
    But she doesn’t want our friends to know
    I slip out quietly ‘cause it isn’t worth the scene
    She says come back you know exactly what I mean

    She’ll go the distance
    ‘Cause she knows that I will compromise
    There’s no resistance
    ‘Cause I know that she’ll apologize
    I have no reason for forgetting and forgiving
    I’ll go on living in her eyes

    Caroline I’m feeling uninspired
    Tell me that there’s something on the line
    Caroline you know I’m getting tired
    Of waiting for a love that isn’t mine

    Unreleased

  • Charlie and Me [Uncle Bonsai]

    Charlie comes up from downtown
    Just to watch me wash my hair
    And he makes me tuna sandwiches
    To show me that he cares
    Charlie comes up from downtown
    Just to taunt me with his airs
    And I just pretend that he isn't there

    Charlie and me go way back
    To a time when we were green
    And I don't think he ever meant
    A thing he said to me
    Charlie, now stop your lying
    Or you know I'm going to leave
    Charlie don't make a liar of me

    And it goes on and on and on

    Charlie and me are lovers
    But we sometimes sleep alone
    And it makes me feel so close to him
    Just touching the telephone
    Charlie, we made a bargain
    I don't want to start a fight
    So don't call me up in the dead of night

    And it goes on and on and on

    And Charlie will never realize
    The sting of his tireless smile
    The string of the broken promises
    That cling to him like a child
    But Charlie, I love your faces
    When I say that I think you're strange
    Charlie, I hope that you never change

    Charlie comes up from downtown
    Just to keep me company
    And I don't think he'll ever know
    How happy we could be
    Charlie, now don't you worry
    'Bout the things you never see
    Charlie, you'll always be safe with me

    And it goes on and on and on

    Available on A Lonely Grain of Corn and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • Cheerleaders on Drugs [Uncle Bonsai]

    How do they jump so high
    How do they flip in mid-air
    And spread their legs so wide
    And wear the skirts that they wear
    How do the mount each one
    To make their pyramids
    Is it the drugs they're on
    These mental invalids

    They wear their dark sunglasses
    They play their games at night
    The players make their passes
    They wear their pom-poms just right
    The mascot sneaks inside
    He's proudly overspread
    The game's not over yet
    It's time to go to bed

    It seems like they must be
    On drugs or just stupid
    They're buoyant and busty
    And just plain dumb
    It seems like they're brainwashed
    Or on anesthesia
    Their brain suffers weight loss
    'Cause how else could they cheer like:

    Go you Injuns
    Go, go you Injuns
    Um chagawa, um um chagawa
    Go you Injuns
    Go, go you Injuns
    Um chagawa, Injuns got the powah
    Go, G, O, go

    It stunts their mental growth
    And makes it hard to find
    A future livelihood
    Or others of their kind
    The marching band it seems
    The voyeurs in the stands
    The refs and both the teams
    Are all the raving fans for
    Cheerleaders on drugs

    It seems like they must be
    On drugs or just stupid
    They're buoyant and busty
    And just plain dumb
    The drug interaction
    Could just be some teamwork
    Their forces and factions
    Make them sound like:

    Go you Injuns
    Go, go you Injuns
    Go you Injuns
    Go, go you Injuns
    Give me an "I" - I
    Give me an "N" - N
    Give me a "J" - J
    Give me a "U" "N" "S"
    Go you Injuns
    Go, go you Injuns
    Go you Injuns
    Go, go you Injuns

    Cheerleaders on drugs
    Cheerleaders on drugs
    Cheerleaders on drugs

    Words: Arni Adler | Music: Andrew Ratshin
    Available on Boys Want Sex in the Morning and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • Chubby Wanna Sundae?* [Uncle Bonsai]

    You've got everything that you have ever wanted
    All your houses come with panoramic views
    And you savor foods that have to be imported
    Eating real live baby birds and rabbit stews

    You can go around the world for just some pate
    Take the Concorde 'cause you like their choice of wine
    You have all your Paris pastries hand delivered
    So you know you'll never have to wait on line

    You hold the key to any door you choose to open
    Grease the palms of every man who's in your way
    And they never say exactly what they're thinking
    'Cause it's not the kind of thing that they can say

    You've got all these dietitians on your payroll
    And you pay them well to watch you stuff your face
    If there's anything that's edible around you
    You just couldn't stand to see it go to waste

    At the party, near the punch, I tried to save you
    You were drinking from the fountain with a straw
    You had eaten everything the hostess gave you
    You had gobbled up the cheese I never saw
    You were dribbling and somewhat incoherent
    You were doubling in size before my eyes
    I felt pity when you found the food was plastic
    And I feared that I would never sympathize

    Chubby, wanna sundae?
    Chubby wanna die
    I can help to suffocate you if that really is your goal
    Chubby, wanna sundae?
    Fatten up the thigh
    I can't stand to see you suffer when you're losing all control
    Chubby, wanna sundae?,
    Chubby, wanna sundae?

    You were waiting in the foyer for your limo
    And I thought that I could help you down to earth
    You were scraping up some chocolates that had fallen
    And I realized what a fat man's really worth
    It is not how much you can divide and conquer
    It's how much you can store between your cheeks
    Your sense of taste is ultimately lacking
    Your lack of taste betrays you when you eat

    I can show you there are fruits you haven't tasted
    I can help you to explore your appetites
    I can show you there are taste buds you have wasted
    There's a filling way to spend those empty nights

    Chubby, wanna sundae?
    Chubby wanna girl
    Maybe there are spices Dionysis never know
    Chubby, wanna sundae?
    Chubby want the world
    Chubby, wanna sundae?
    Chubby, wanna sundae?
    Chubby, wanna sundae?

    Chubby there is still some time for you
    Even you can love somebody else
    You can learn to live on more than food
    You can learn to lose some of yourself
    Chubby you could give yourself away
    Someone's here to pat you on the back
    We could get you down to three square meals a day
    With maybe just a tiny midnight snack

    Chubby, wanna sundae?
    Chubby it's on me
    Sweeter things can please you if they're fed to you by hand
    Chubby, wanna sundae?
    Chubby it's for free
    I could give you something that would make a bigger man
    Chubby, wanna sundae?
    Chubby, wanna sundae?
    Chubby, wanna sundae?

    Words: Arni Adler/Andrew Ratshin | Music: Andrew Ratshin
    Available on Plain Brown Wrapper

  • Comfort Me [Electric Bonsai Band/Mel Cooleys]

    I need a place to call home
    Give me the half-hearted smile
    I need a place to come down
    For a little while
    Give me the luck of the draw
    I've done so well on my own
    I need a face I can trust
    when I'm alone

    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Now that I'm lost and lonely
    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Is anybody gonna comfort me

    I need place to call home
    Give me a life to begin
    I need a place when I'm tired
    And the skin is thin
    Give me a face I can read
    I've seen some terrible sights
    Give me a reason to breathe
    When it's late at night

    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Now that I'm lost and lonely
    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Now that I've lost control
    If not the weight of the world
    If not the trick of the light
    If not the sign of the times
    I could be somewhere tonight
    Here at the end of the line
    Here at the peak of my form
    I'm at the prime of my life
    Here in the eye of the storm

    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Now that I'm lost and lonely
    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Is anybody gonna comfort me
    Is anybody gonna comfort me

    I need a place to call home
    I've left scene of the crime
    I need a face I can trust
    With all this time

    Available on "Live(?) In Seattle," "But I'm Happy Now," and Primal Urges

  • Creatures of Habit [Electric Bonsai Band/Mel Cooleys]

    We held our breath for hours and hours
    With adolescent lungs
    And all the rhymes of younger times
    Came tripping off our tongues
    But we lost some sight, we lost some timing
    Backed away from social climbing
    All the way from saccharine to sweet
    This is not an honorable defeat

    We watched the TV closer, closer
    Read by candlelight
    Held our views and turned the screws
    And served our appetite
    But we lost some height, we lost some courage
    Grew so tired of being discouraged
    All the way from nursery to grave
    This is how the old-at-heart behave

    Creatures of habit
    Suffering our conceits
    All we learn from history is history repeats
    Creatures of habit , Creatures of habit

    We held our breath for hours and hours
    In adolescent truth
    All the cars and lovers scars
    Were symbols of our youth
    But we lost some strength, we lost some hearing
    Lost the things we thought endearing
    All the way from dangerous to dumb
    This could be the best of what will come

    Creatures of habit
    Calm and incomplete
    All we learn from history is history repeats
    Creatures of habit , Creatures of habit

    All the way from saint to second-hand
    This is not the way that it was planned
    Less to lose and less to plunder
    Only dreams to pull us under

    (Creatures of habit)
    Almost obsolete
    All we learn from history is history repeats
    Creatures of habit , Creatures of habit

    Available on Live(?) In Seattle and But I'm Happy Now


  • D

  • Delilah Gets Married [Mel Cooleys]

    All of these people
    Are here to remind me
    That everything changes tonight
    Friends of the family
    And friends of the friends of the family
    All wait for the sight
    But I haven't heard
    One single word
    I can't seem to focus at all
    Stuck in this dress
    A fairy princess
    Who's not quite at home at the ball

    'Cause I never learned how to waltz
    I never learned how to waltz
    Dances in school had a whole different meaning
    That wasn't dancing, just swaying and leaning
    I can do cartwheels and turn somersaults
    But I never learned how to waltz

    These are the people
    Who say that they love me
    I'm hoping they all understand
    If I pass on the groping
    And look for an opening
    To bury my head in the sand
    'Cause after the wine
    After we dine
    After most everyone's met
    After the hosts
    Are done with their toasts
    There lies Sunrise and Sunset

    And I never learned how to waltz
    I never learned how to waltz
    One, two, three, one, two, three, I never bothered
    To plan for this one little dance with my father
    This could be one of life's crueler assaults
    But I never learned how to waltz

    How could I know that, way back
    When we were listening to all of that music
    That some day, I'd say we should have stuck with the flute
    And I know one day, we may
    Look back at all of this with some amusement
    Remembering our wedding
    Me nervously sweating
    And you in that maitre d's suite

    How could I know that, way back
    When we were planning for all of this eating and drinking
    We'd rethink not eloping that night
    ('Cause I know one day, I'll say
    We should have spent some more time on the seating
    We should have examined
    The choice of the salmon
    And I should have never worn white

    All of these people
    Are here to remind me
    That somebody's honeymoon bound
    Friends of the family
    And friends of the friends of the family
    Are circling around
    So don't be so fast
    To step on the glass
    I'm not really ready to cheer
    I would be glad
    To dance with my dad
    If everyone else wasn't here

    'Cause I never learned how to waltz
    I never learned how to waltz
    Would all of the relatives call me a cheat
    If they happened to notice me stand on his feet
    'Cause it's not the best moment to show off my faults
    And I never learned how to waltz
    Tell me this evening won't ground to a halt
    'Cause I never learned how to waltz

    Available on Doug

  • The Diaper Song [Electric Bonsai Band]

    There’s a diaper in the sink
    There’s a diaper on the chair
    There’s a diaper in the freezer
    We are never unprepared
    Every corner, ever closet
    Every cupboard in the place
    Has a diaper waiting just in case

    There’s a diaper on the TV
    There’s a diaper underneathe
    There’s a diaper in my briefcase
    Stuck between the briefs
    There are diapers down the hallway
    For as far as eyes can see
    But Emma likes to pee on me
    She will hold it in for hours
    For the opportunity
    Emma likes to pee on me

    Available on Primal Urges

  • Dog At The Gates Of Hell [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Didn’t I get you everything you asked for
    Didn’t I always answer to your call
    Didn’t I take your side in every single fight
    Wasn’t that my duty after all

    Didn’t I always greet you with a smile
    Didn’t I try my best when you were blue
    Didn’t I always come when you were on the run
    Even though I’d lost a step or two

    Is this the way you treat your loved ones
    Is this the moment when you go too far
    Some people say you shouldn’t treat a dog this way
    Yet here we are

    Didn’t I mark the path when we were walking
    Didn’t I always chase those squirrels away
    Didn’t I sit and wait when you were working late
    Didn’t I usually hold it in all day

    Didn’t I lick your feet and warm your pillow
    Didn’t I learn your stupid little tricks
    Didn’t we have some fun when I was really young
    And didn’t I hold my tongue when I was fixed

    Is this the way you treat your loved ones
    Is this the moment when you go too far
    Some people say you shouldn’t treat a dog this way
    Yet here we are

    And I know there has to be a doggy heaven
    ‘Cause I’ve spent my time down here in doggy hell
    With a life on all fours, worth one seventh of yours
    And a million other doggy butts to smell
    Maybe I will hold the leash in doggy heaven
    Maybe you’ll enjoy the horsemeat and the crumbs
    Maybe you’ll think of me with fond memories
    As you face eternity without your thumbs

    This is the way to treat your loved ones
    This is the moment and we’ve come so far
    Some doggies say I wouldn’t treat a cat this way
    Yet here we are, here we are
    I heard you say that every dog will have his day
    And here we are

    Available on Primal Urges

  • Dollar In My Pocket [Electric Bonsai Band]

    I got a dollar in my pocket
    I got a million things to buy
    I walk around without an attitude
    I never stopped to wonder why
    I’m not a statistician
    I’m not a architect
    I rise and fall with every thing that I’ve ever known

    I got a dollar in my pocket
    I’ll get another from a friend
    They’ll grow together like a family
    They’ll work together in the end
    I’m not an inquisition
    I’m not an intellect
    I’ll beg and borrow
    ‘Til the last of the money’s gone

    Got a spread, got a stash, got a spot on the floor
    Got a card, got some credit at the company store
    Got a seat, got a stock, got a sign on the door
    Got a source, got a spy who has been there before

    I got a dollar in my pocket
    I see a dollar I can steal
    I know that everyone is watching
    I don’t care how that makes them feel
    I don’t need ammunition
    I don’t need amulets
    I’ll kill the messenger
    And see how the fortunes change

    Got a phone, got a fee, got a face I can read
    Got a price, got a printout, got a prospect to bleed
    Got a hate, got a hunger, got a habit to feed
    Got to watch, got to want, got to win to succeed

    I got a dollar in my pocket
    I got a million in the bank
    I walk around with proper attitude
    I don’t have anyone to thank
    I’m just a politician
    I’m just a diplomat
    I rape and plunder with the best of the ruling class

    Available on I Am Joe's Eyes

  • Don't Put It In Your Mouth* [Uncle Bonsai]

    Don’t put it in your mouth
    You don’t know where it’s been
    Don’t assume it’s candy for a minute
    Don’t take it from the ground
    Or from a strange old man
    Other kids have vanished when they did it

    Don’t bring it in the house
    Because it’s not a toy
    Don’t you ever point it at your sister
    Go put it in your room
    I’ll wash your mouth with soap
    Then I’ll put you two in separate comers

    Did you bring enough for everyone
    Keep it to yourself or share
    Go upstairs and think of what you’ve done
    You’re just not my kid, I swear

    Don’t swing that thing around
    You just might poke an eye
    Wipe that grin before it sticks forever
    Don’t leave it on the floor
    Or feed it to the dog
    If you break it you wont get another

    How many times do I have to tell you
    In one ear and out the other
    Don’t try talking with your mouth full
    You’re behaving like your father
    If you want to grow up healthy
    Knock it off and put it down
    Keep it clean and safe for later
    And don’t you put it in your mouth

    Don’t put it in your mouth
    What If you should choke
    Even though you didn’t choke the last time
    You’d jump right off the bridge
    Because the neighbor did
    You should try to make your brain work sometime

    Let me see your hands
    Both hands both sides
    Stop that sniveling now and blow
    What is best for you is best for me
    Don’t ask why or how just go

    If you don’t want to eat
    We’ll find someone who will
    Starving kids in India will love it
    And you’ll just go to bed
    And stay there for a week or
    Put it in your mouth and swallow it

    How many times do I have to tell you
    In one ear and out the other
    Don’t try talking with your mouth full
    You’re behaving like your father
    If you want to grow up healthy
    Knock it off and put it down
    Keep it clean and safe for later
    And don’t you put it in your mouth
    (Knock it off)

    Words: Arni Adler | Music: Andrew Ratshin
    Available on Boys Want Sex in the Morning,"The Inessential Uncle Bonsai," and Plain Brown Wrapper

  • Doug and the Family Feast [Uncle Bonsai]

    I can see you've gotten used to disappointment
    Maybe that's the smartest thing you've done
    Every family has disappointing children
    You're the one
    And I see you like a doggy in the window
    Your eyes grow wide with every passing car
    I thought you would avoid these situations
    But here you are

    So the family digs deeper
    'Cause you take it on the chin
    Is there anything that's sweeter
    Then when skin is really thin
    And this love that keeps on giving
    Burrows down and settles in

    You can sit and watch them volleying for hours
    But your silence doesn’t really keep the peace
    Don’t you realize that the one who squeals the loudest
    Gets release
    And I think you’ve lost your craving for transition
    What you were before will always shine right through
    You were born to play this permanent position
    Lucky you

    You have sanctified this dinner
    You have studied this disease
    And they pass around the insults
    Like they pass around the peas
    But you seem to find some pleasure
    In this dying by degrees
    And they aim to please

    So it's a new night, same old story
    New drink, right before we
    Sift through the allegory
    Another pound of flesh released
    One prayer for every sinner
    In where the air gets thinner
    All's fair in love and dinner
    Let's keep the bandage fresh at least
    To calm the beast
    And join the feast
    The family feast

    Now I know you really want a second helping
    It’s the pain we bring that makes us feel alive
    So you’ll sit and make the same mistakes forever
    And you’ll survive

    Every family is different
    Every family's the same
    Every family's unhappy
    In their own peculiar way
    And your family tomorrow
    Is your family today
    And so you stay
    You always stay

    Unreleased

  • Doug At His Mom's [Uncle Bonsai]

    Doug leaves his bride to be on early Sunday morning
    To take the train to spend the holidays at home
    Doug takes his briefcase and a bag of dirty laundry
    He takes her photograph
    So he won’t have to be alone

    Doug reads the paper as he rumbles through the country
    He sleeps and dreams about the girl he left behind
    She packed a sandwich should he happen to get hungry
    She packed potato chips
    So he’d enjoy the trip

    Doug, Doug on a mission
    Doug, Doug on his own
    Doug, Doug on a visit
    Doug, Doug going home

    Doug sees the future as the train pulls in the station
    A friendly smile from the family Chevrolet
    Doug greets his father with a sense of trepidation
    They take the long way back
    They hit the cul-de-sac

    Doug, Doug prays in silence
    Doug, Doug plays the pawn
    Doug, Doug sees the driveway
    Doug, Doug sees the lawn
    Doug wipes his forehead
    Doug, Doug dries his palms
    Doug, Doug at the doorway
    Doug, Doug at his moms.

    Doug’s Uncle Sid comes out
    To pinch a cheek and bend an ear
    Come set the table Doug
    His mother yells for all to hear
    Go find a tie to wear and
    Why don’t you cut your hair and
    So tell us Douglas will you ever find a real career
    Doug’s father shakes his head
    And talks of girls instead

    Doug greets the guest
    And takes their coats up to his parents room
    Doug checks the pockets
    Then he goes back to the dining room
    The door bell rings and then
    Doug checks some coats again
    Doug tries to smile
    In the face of such impending doom
    Doug sees his fall from grace
    In every cousin’s face

    Doug, Doug starts to feel the heat as
    Doug, Doug counts the chairs
    Doug, Doug knows the children have
    To eat their food downstairs
    Doug, Doug sees his mother’s smile
    Doug, Doug walks the lonely mile

    Doug, Doug hears the grown-ups
    Doug, Doug passes time
    Doug, Doug wants cloth napkins
    Doug, Doug wants some wine
    Doug reads his placemat
    Doug, Doug feels so calm
    Doug, Doug in the basement
    Doug, Doug at his moms

    Doug leaves his family and rides his ways to freedom
    He’ll feel the safety for at least another year
    Doug knows his fiance is happy just to greet him
    She knows his work is done
    He’s such a faithful son

    Doug, Doug feels religious
    Doug, Doug is alive
    Doug, Doug is ambitious
    Doug, Doug will survive
    Doug lets his hair down
    Doug, Doug on his own
    Doug, Doug on the rebound
    Doug, Doug coming home

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn and Doug

  • Doug At Home [Mel Cooleys]

    I knew someday that he’d explode
    I can’t pretend I was surprised
    And when he reached that overload
    I almost welcomed his demise
    Don’t say that I’m uncaring
    Don’t say that that’s the way it goes
    ‘Cause while he sat there staring
    I saw the flames come through his clothes

    He loved his new remote control
    He used to hold it like a friend
    And every day he’d sell his soul
    To press that button once again
    Don’t say that it’s a blessing
    Don’t say he only wasted space
    I’m not just second guessing
    I saw the look upon his face

    Doug saw the writing on the wall (So typical)
    Doug felt the ax about to fall (So typical)
    Everybody doesn’t like to face defeat
    Everybody doesn’t have to take the heat
    No use sitting alone like Doug at home

    I knew someday that he’d explode
    And when the fire finally came
    I settled in to watch the show
    And thought about his new-found fame
    There was no time to smother
    Before it started it was done
    Don’t ask about his mother
    She hardly noticed he was gone

    Doug had a little time to kill (So typical)
    Doug had to find another thrill (So typical)
    Everybody has a plan to face the dark
    Everybody wants to try to leave their mark
    Leave your name by the phone for Doug at home

    No match, no cigarette
    Imagine that still nobody cares
    His mom’s so glad she didn’t forget
    To put the plastic on the chairs

    Doug had no other place to turn (So typical)
    Doug found a final bridge to burn (So typical)
    Everybody wants to have the final word
    Everybody’s got a flare for the absurd
    Can’t get blood from a stone ask Doug at home

    Available on Doug

  • Doug’s Birthday Song [Uncle Bonsai]

    The doctor slapped the baby
    So the mother slapped him back
    No one’s gonna treat her boy that way
    No one really thought about
    How mother might react
    Proud to put her instinct on display
    She’s slapped a few more doctor’s since that day

    And he shall be
    And he shall be
    And he shall be

    The doctors and the nurses
    Couldn’t bear to watch the pain
    They tried to stay outside the battle zone
    Sixty seven hours
    She spent waging that campaign
    Pushing through the spasms on her own
    And she sure as hell will use it when he’s grown

    And he shall be
    And he shall be
    And he shall be
    He Shall Be....

    One perfect little egg
    Grows perfect little legs
    Turns into something
    That’s a perfect little swimmer
    One night of perfect love
    One night was just enough
    If she could just not shove,
    She’d love to keep him in her

    The father sat beside her
    Wondering how much she could take
    But knew to keep his body out of range
    Three days of breathing
    Trying hard to stay awake
    This was not a pattern he could change
    And no one enjoyed watching the exchange

    And he shall be
    He Shall Be....

    Ten perfect little toes
    One perfect little nose
    Forgive the purple prose,
    They couldn’t have foreseen this
    Four perfect little limbs
    Three perfect little chins
    Two perfect earlobes, and a perfect little penis

    Put aside the hand me downs
    Find the purest cotton
    Nothing but the best
    Will ever touch this baby’s bottom
    This could be the greatest child
    Ever to be born
    Never mind the baby bonnet
    Where’s the crown of thorns

    Is this the second son
    Born now for everyone
    Most people can not tell one baby from another
    Or just another youth
    To suckle, burp and poop
    Is this a child who might never leave his mother

    The doctor slapped the baby
    So the mother slapped him back
    This was not a mom to be ignored
    No one really saw it
    As a personal attack
    But this was not a lapse they could afford
    And someday soon they hope she’ll cut the cord

    And he shall be
    And he shall be
    And he shall be

    Available on Apology and Doug

  • Doug’s Divorce: Part Two [Uncle Bonsai]

    Do you like to pull the band-aid quick or slow?
    Do you like to be the first or last to know?
    Is there someone you could phone
    So you won’t be here alone
    As you learn about the future blow by blow

    Did you ever have the feeling something’s died?
    Did you ever notice nothing left inside?
    If I told you I was spent
    Would you wonder what it meant
    As we wandered through the silence side by side

    I could never tell what you were thinking
    Maybe if we talked a little less and listened more
    Every day that past I felt us sinking
    Deeper than I ever sank before

    I’ll be coming in the morning for my life
    And I hope that you’ll forgive the twisted knife
    But when it comes right down to it
    We just never really fit
    And I wish you better luck with your next wife

    You’re a lovely boy, Doug
    Such a lovely boy
    There’s a lovely girl out there still waiting
    You deserve some joy, Doug
    You deserve some joy
    You’re lovely boy, Doug
    You’re a lovely boy

    Have you ever simply lost your appetite
    Or thought of never coming home one night
    That would really end it well
    It’s a story you could sell
    And you could finally tell your mother she was right

    You’re a lovely boy, Doug
    Such a lovely boy
    There’s a lovely girl on the horizon
    There’s a world to join, Doug
    There’s a world to join
    You’re lovely boy, Doug
    You’re a lovely boy

    There is nothing I can say to ease the burden
    I was never one for crocodile tears
    I will leave you everything to store your hurt in
    And I’ll give you alimony for at least a couple years

    You’re a lovely boy, Doug
    Such a lovely boy
    I was not as lovely as you needed
    And I filled the void, Doug
    I just filled the void
    You’re lovely boy, Doug
    You’re a lovely boy

    Do you like to pull the band-aid quick or slow?
    Do you like to be the first or last to know?
    You were such a gentle touch
    And you gave away so much
    I never thought about the undertow
    But I always knew I’d be the first to go

    Available on Apology and Doug

  • Doug’s Divorce: Preamble (Doug and the TV: Part Two) [Mel Cooleys]

    If I could buy you a remote for your remote, dear
    Maybe you would show some signs of life
    And float the slightest smile in my direction
    From somewhere in the pale blue TV light
    ‘Cause I left a little something in the kitchen
    And you said you’d pick up something from the store
    But if you moved an inch since I left here this morning
    That’s an inch more than you moved the day before

    I remember when we made our love connection
    And I thought somehow that we could make a deal
    We could spend a little time with Mother Nature
    Then we could spend a little time with Ron Popeil
    And I tried to see beyond the Ponderosa
    But I couldn’t change the way it made me feel
    ‘Cause the jokes on Mama’s Family aren’t funny
    And the fights on Jerry Springer aren’t real

    But I know that you’ll be happy
    Yes, I know that you’ll be happy
    With the Hogans, the Hakawi and Hank Hill
    Yes, I know that you’ll be happy
    With the world of lifelike color
    And I envy you the time you found to kill

    If I thought there was a chance of good reception
    I would try to think of something else to do
    But the stuff that’s between me and that antenna
    Would take more than a Ginzu to cut through
    ‘Cause I could stand here in my birthday suit for hours
    And I’m pretty sure that you would never see
    But if I stood that way in front of the camcorder
    I know that you would watch me on TV

    And I know that you’ll be happy
    Yes, I know that you’ll be happy
    With your cylons and your vorlons and your trill
    Yes, I know that you’ll be happy
    With the satellites and cables
    And a little extra network time to fill

    And so I’m coming to you now without commercials
    In the only way to play this final scene
    ‘Cause the one time that you’ll ever see this program
    Will be here on tape delay on your big screen

    If I could buy you a remote for your remote, dear
    Maybe you would show some signs of life
    And float the slightest smile in my direction
    From somewhere in the pale blue TV light
    ‘Cause I understand the need for television
    I like PBS and CNN
    But Gilligan will never leave that Island
    And Lassie won’t be coming home again

    And I know that you’ll be happy
    Yes, I know that you’ll be happy
    With your sisters Wendy, Landers, and Bertrille
    Yes, I know that you’ll be happy
    With the world of motion pictures
    Just as sure as you’ll be happy standing still

    Available on Doug

  • Doug Engaged [Mel Cooleys]

    Doug doesn’t call anymore
    He’s wearing a ring that inhibits his dialing
    And this time he really seems sure
    All calm and content
    All that drooling and smiling
    Everyone knows that a romance is great
    (Cupid take aim at the couple ascending)
    But everyone knows that the tree isn’t straight
    If the roots were all formed with habitual bending

    Doug doesn’t call anymore
    He fell into love but he couldn’t stop falling
    And maybe he stopped keeping score
    Maybe he’s stubborn or maybe he’s stalling
    And everyone follows a poetic theme
    (And the fork of the path that is usually taken)
    But everyone knows at the end of a dream
    There’s a hell of chance that you’ll finally awaken

    Tie the knot, Doug
    Tie it tighter
    Seal the package with a kiss
    Open wide, Doug
    Open wider
    Something might still come from this

    Doug in step
    Doug inspired
    Doug uncovered
    Doug unstaged
    Doug released
    Doug retired
    Doug enlightened
    Doug engaged

    Doug doesn’t call anymore
    Mr. and Mrs., a powerful mixture
    And now that he’s safe and secure
    He doesn’t need anyone clouding the picture and
    Everyone knows that behind a great man
    There’s a women of strength
    With a great constitution
    But everyone knows it’s an unnatural plan
    To be locked up inside of an old institution

    Tie the knot, Doug
    Tie it tighter
    Pay the rabbi, pay the priest
    See the sights, Doug
    See the spider
    Mates for life then starts to feast

    Doug revealed
    Doug remembered
    Doug undaunted
    Doug uncaged
    Doug de-clawed
    Doug dismembered
    Doug encumbered
    Doug engaged

    Here’s a toast to wedded bliss
    Here’s a toast to mother
    Here’s a toast to that first kiss
    And may there be another
    Here’s a toast to calmer seas
    To less inclement weather
    A toast that you’ll remember me
    When you’re not still together

    Doug doesn’t call anymore
    He’s gotten so old he’s forgotten my number
    But that’s what a phone book is for
    In case he comes out of his emotional slumber

    Doug denied
    Doug dependent
    Doug old fashioned
    Doug old-aged
    Doug redeemed
    Doug resplendent
    Doug impassioned
    Doug engaged

    Doug deboned
    Doug delivered
    Doug devoured
    Doug displayed
    Doug debriefed
    Doug deflowered
    Doug empowered
    Doug engaged

    Available on Live(?) In Seattle and Doug

  • Doug’s First Date [Uncle Bonsai/Mel Cooleys]

    Doug pets his dog
    Dog watches Doug
    Dog feels the stress
    Doug gives dog bone
    Dog sniffs his butt
    While Doug gets dressed
    Dog seems impressed
    With Doug’s cologne

    Doug feeds his fish
    Fish don’t do shit
    Fish don’t play fetch
    Doug hates fish so
    Fish hides in fern
    While Doug has fits
    Fish don’t do shit
    Fish got to go

    First you’re born
    Then you walk
    Then you boy scout
    Then you drive
    Then you drink
    Then you leave
    Then you marry
    Then you die

    Doug calls to Mom
    Mom checks his tie
    Mom checks his breath
    Doug looks so young
    Mom gives Doug cash
    While Doug shifts weight
    Mom hates first dates
    Mom bites her tongue

    First a flicker
    Then a flame
    Then an ember
    Then an ash
    Take the cash, Doug
    Take the cash

    She’s a lovely girl
    She’s a lovely girl
    Such a lovely girl

    Doug greets his dog
    Dog smiles at Doug
    Dog feels relief
    Doug fills dog’s dish
    Dog settles in
    While Doug finds bone
    Dog’s glad Doug’s home
    Dog, Mom, Doug, Fish

    First an acorn
    Then a tree
    Then an acorn
    Then a tree
    Then an acorn
    Then a tree
    Then an acorn
    Then a tree

    Available on Doug

  • Doug’s First Job [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Doug wakes up early Monday morning
    And lets the dog go back to sleep
    Doug hits the kitchen while his father sits there yawning
    And he knows they’ve got appointments to keep
    And they wrestle for the bacon
    ‘Til the final bit is taken
    Or ‘til mother finds another little piece
    And she smiles and pours the cereal
    And irons the material
    That gives her perfect boy his perfect crease

    Doug greets the morning at attention
    And ties another perfect tie
    Doug checks his wallet as his father guns the engine
    And he knows that they’re precisely on time
    And his mother shines his whistle
    And then dabs away the clearasil
    That Douglas spread on thick the night before
    And she curses his employer
    As she runs into the foyer
    Just to watch her little man walk out the door

    There is power in the uniform
    There’s power in the hands
    There is power in the things that come so hard
    And she says everyone knows Elvis
    Everyone knows God
    And everyone knows Doug the crossing guard

    Doug likes to keep the children waiting
    All single file in the rain
    Doug holds his hand out and the scouts all stop parading
    And he knows that they would never complain
    And his teachers come to see him
    And his friends all want to be him
    And the women melt completely in his gaze
    And his mother brings him sandwiches
    And talks up the advantages
    Of bread that builds strong bodies seven ways

    And he could have been a burger boy
    He could have been on fries
    Tossing taters with the losers and the lard
    But everyone knows Buddah
    And everyone knows Merv
    Everyone knows Doug the crossing guard

    And Doug could have his pick of the women
    Hey Doug could have his pick of the men
    Doug knows the benefits of public opinion
    And he hopes that it’s a means to an end
    Doug whistles for the underachievers
    Doug whistles for the students who fail
    Doug whistles for the principal who always believed
    That Doug would wind up an accountant or in jail

    And there are people you rely on
    There are people you respect
    There are people you can use and then discard
    But everyone knows Judas
    Everyone knows Sting
    Everyone knows Doug the crossing guard

    Doug comes home early Monday evening
    And spends a moment with his pets
    Doug hits the kitchen and his father sits there reading
    And he knows that it’s as good as it gets
    And his mother serves potato chips
    And talks about their summer trips
    While father dreams of cleaning up the yard
    And they say everyone loves Jesus
    Everyone knows Cher
    Everyone knows Doug the crossing guard

    Available on "20 Second of Pleasure" and Doug

  • Doug Gets Married [Uncle Bonsai]

    The mother of the bride
    Was feeling too depressed to drink
    She wondered when the honeymoon would end
    She stood there in the corner
    And she watched her daughter shrink
    Into her little wonderland of friends
    And as she felt less queenly
    She glowered rather meanly
    And counted all the money they would spend

    The mother of the bride
    Was feeling paranoid and old
    Her husband knew she wouldn’t want to dance
    She knew she was expected to relinquish her control
    And hand it to a boy in rented pants
    And as she sat there smoking
    She felt like she was choking
    A victim of unhappy circumstance

    Doug, Doug, Doug walks down the aisle
    Doug, Doug, Doug is dressed so snappy
    Doug, Doug, Doug lets out a smile
    Doug, Doug, Doug looks almost happy

    The mother of the bride
    Was feeling purposely ignored
    She hated when the other parents laughed
    And even though the wine was not the best they could afford
    She asked the waiter for a new carafe
    And as she sat there reeling
    (And slowly lost all feeling)
    She drunkedly complained about the draft

    Doug, Doug, Doug recites his credo
    Doug, Doug, Doug feels armour-plated
    Doug, Doug, Doug in his tuxedo
    Doug, Doug, Doug feels like a waiter

    Doug sees the flicker of a candle in the distanceAnd he wonders if the prayers will ever end
    Doug knows the family’s there to offer their assistance
    And he’s happy that so many could attend
    Doug feels the decades pass
    Doug feels at peace at last
    Doug feels the pressure
    As he wonders can he break the glass

    The mother of the bride
    Said she was ready to go home
    Although her daughter hadn’t cut the cake
    She offered up a bridal toast in perfect monotone
    And said that it was all a big mistake
    But when she looked behind her
    The bridegroom would remind her
    He’d had about as much as he could take

    Doug, Doug, Doug’s a little tired
    Doug, Doug, Doug heads to the carriage
    Doug, Doug, Doug heads to the fire
    Doug, Doug, Doug heads into marriage

    Available on Doug

  • Doug Goes Home (Running With Scissors) [Uncle Bonsai/Electric Bonsai Band]

    I am sliding down the bannister again
    I am waiting for a lesson to be learned
    I am skating down the hallway
    I am writing on the walls
    And I’m running with scissors

    I am waiting for a voice to cut the air
    The first and second steps have always creaked
    And I didn’t really notice
    That I didn’t wipe my shoes
    And I’m lurking in shadows

    Stuck between what’s good and what is good for me
    I will always do what’s perfect for the family
    And I’m picking off the fresh fruit from a dying tree
    Gently

    I am standing where the piano used to be
    I am counting all the height lines by the door
    I remember every scar
    Where the pictures used to be
    And I’m looking for someone

    I am gonna put my eye out
    I am gonna write in ink
    I will leave the water running
    On the dishes in the sink
    There is nothing left to stop me
    From leaving on this light
    And I will close this door

    I am sitting where the liars always sat
    I am seeing from a very different view
    I am talking while I’m chewing
    With my elbows on the table
    And I’m using your voices

    Houses sound so different when you’re listening
    Hard to hear it breathe without the arguing
    Never really thought you might be leaving me
    Empty

    I am gonna sit on counters
    I’ll be standing on the brink
    I will stare into this light bulb
    And I’m never gonna blink
    There is no one supervising
    I’m all alone tonight
    And I will close this door forever

    You said if I left food out
    We’d be overrun with ants
    But I don’t see a single ant or even worse an ant attack
    And I’m not saying you were lying
    But, again there are no ants
    And all those years that I spent worrying ‘bout
    the ants I won’t get back

    I am visiting this resting place again
    I am gathering the pieces
    Under beds, behind the curtains
    I am offering a blessing
    I am chasing out the demons
    I have entered without knocking
    And I’m burying the hatchet

    I am gonna talk to strangers
    I am gonna smoke and drink
    I will leap before I look
    And I will speak before I think
    There is no one here to show me
    Wrong from right
    And I will close this door,
    That’s if I close this door,
    I will close this door

    Unreleased

  • Doug Goes To Town [Uncle Bonsai]

    Mother says I gotta wear the suit
    Wear the woolen suit
    And the matching jacket
    Mother says I gotta wear the tie
    Wear the clip on tie
    And I know she’s right
    Mother says I gotta take a lunch
    Take a healthy lunch
    And she helps me pack it
    Mother says we gotta kiss goodbye
    And I know that’s just polite

    Mother says I gotta wear the coat
    Wear the stupid coat
    And I think it’s silly
    Mother says I gotta wash my face
    Really wash my face
    And it’s not just talk
    Mother says I gotta take the gloves
    Take the birthday gloves
    ‘Cause it might get chilly
    Mother says I gotta bundle up
    If I want take that walk

    (And she says) Doug you know I love you
    Doug you know you’re good
    Doug I know you know your way
    Around this neighborhood
    I’m only thinking of you
    See how much you’ve grown
    But Doug you’ll never go to town alone

    Mother says I gotta know my name
    Really know my name
    Both the first and last ones
    Mother says I gotta know my street
    Know my stupid street
    And the number too
    Mother says I gotta stay on grass
    Keep my feet on grass
    And she pulled a fast one
    Mother says that I can go to town
    If I follow every rule

    She says
    Doug you know I love you
    Doug you know you’re good
    Doug if I could take away the pain
    You know I would
    I’m only thinking of you
    See how much you’ve grown
    But Doug you’ll never go to town alone

    Don’t cross (don’t cross)
    In the middle (in the middle)
    In the middle, in the middle of the street
    Don’t cross (don’t cross)
    Don’t cross that street at all
    Don’t talk (don’t talk)
    I’ll be watching (I’ll be watching)
    Don’t you talk to anybody that you meet
    Don’t talk (don’t talk)
    Don’t talk until I call

    Mother says I gotta brush my teeth
    Really brush my teeth
    And I just don’t get it
    Mother says I gotta take the dog
    Take the stupid dog
    Or a chaperone
    Mother says I gotta be polite
    Really be polite
    Or I can just forget it
    Mother says that I can go to town
    But I think I’m staying home

    Available on Doug

  • Doug’s Greatest Christmas Ever [Uncle Bonsai/Mel Cooleys]

    Look at the streets of the city all covered in snow
    Passels of people with presents and places to go
    Filling the sidewalks with carols and holiday cheer
    Forgetting who makes it all possible year after year

    Families flock to their friends for some fruitcake and fun
    A fabulous, flavorful feast for their favorite Son
    But back at the office there’s plenty of work to be done
    And there’s only one person to count on
    when everyone’s gone

    Doug will be there whatever the means
    Doug will be there to man the machines
    Doug will be there to hold it together like glue
    Doug’s dependable
    Doug’s commendable
    Doug’s determined to be there for you
    Doug’s the man of the hour, the company Jew

    Doug goes down to the 7-11 at ten
    Perfectly proud to be working on Christmas again
    Doug grabs a donut a lovingly loosens his belt
    Yoo-hoos and Yodels with the last of the Chanukah gelt

    Santa Claus smiles and ushers him into the store
    Right to the Santa with nachos who smiles some more
    Santa Claus bags up the goods for the Santa Claus clerk
    So taxi-cab Santa can get Doug right back to his work

    Doug will be there whatever the means
    Steam the letters or clean the latrines
    Doug will be there when nobody else can come through
    Doug will make the pitch
    Doug will throw the switch
    Doug is one of the proud, brave and few
    Doug is the man of the hour, the company Jew

    And Mom’s in Miami with dozens of cousins and wives
    Picking over the final remains of their lives
    But there’s Kreploch and cake in the kitchen
    and plenty of each
    And a long list of numbers
    in case she should have to be reached

    Doug cracks the thermos and quietly fills up his glass
    A toast to the masses amassed at their holiday mass
    So remember the people like Doug when the service begins
    Especially since you will need them
    when Easter rolls in

    Doug will be there whatever the means
    Pack the programs or stack magazines
    Doug’s so reliable, that’s undeniably true
    Doug’s desirable
    Unretirable
    Who else can do the things Douglas can do?
    Doug is alive with the power of the company Jew
    Doug’s so sensible
    Indispensable
    Light the menorah, there’s thanks overdue
    Doug is the man of the hour, the company Jew

    Available on Just One Angel and Doug

  • Doug's Resurrection: Part One (Where's My Puppy) [Uncle Bonsai]

    Where’s my puppy, Where’s my puppy
    Where’s my candy, where’s my sled
    Where the hell’s my grandpa
    Thought he’d be here by the bed
    Now that I’m dead, really dead

    Where’s my puppy, Where’s my puppy
    Where’s my mother and my pets
    Someone said there might be virgins
    Everyone gets blondes and brunettes
    And no regrets

    I’ve always been a strong proponent of the marital vow
    So please forgive me for a moment, I’m just thinking out loud
    They say what happens in clouds, stays in the clouds

    Where’s my puppy, Where’s my puppy
    Where’s the guy with all the keys
    I threw money after money
    Don’t I get to meet the cheese

    I did every little mitzvah that they said I should do
    On the worst of days I said an extra barucha or two
    You know I thought that I had turned into a pretty good Jew
    What else is new?
    What do I do?
    Let’s hear some angels singing

    Doug, this is a really special moment
    Doug, this is the first day of the end of your life
    I think that I could learn to be a little selfish
    I’m looking forward to the bacon and the shellfish
    Doug (Stop calling)
    Doug (Stop calling)
    Doug (La, La, La, I’m not listening)

    Where’s my puppy, Where’s my puppy
    Was the rabbi ever here
    We had all those conversations
    I made my intentions clear

    I felt so confident that I had been professionally blessed
    I thought I might have even felt the hand of God on my chest
    (Where are those angels hiding)

    Doug, this is what everybody yearns for
    Doug, this is the last time you’ll be taking this trip
    I thought Elijah might be there to ease the boredom
    After all the manischewitz that we poured him

    Doug (Stop calling)
    Doug (Who’s calling)
    La, La, La, La, La, La, La

    I’m heading into the light
    At least I think it’s the light
    I really hope it’s the light
    ‘Cause I’m heading into it
    I never wanted to fight
    I tried to get to the light
    But if there was heaven tonight
    I haven’t been to it
    I felt one hell of a spark
    I heard a flutter so faint
    If God was there in the dark
    He doesn’t know his own strength

    Where’s my puppy, Where’s my puppy
    Is he upstate on the farm
    Sue the doctors, sue the doctors
    They’re supposed to do no harm

    You know I thought that I might get a little peace at the end
    I didn’t realize I would have to face my family again
    (Those aren’t angels, are they?)

    Doug, this is your early morning feeding
    Doug, this is the last time we’ll be having this bath
    I left the documents right there where they could see ‘em
    You know that I could live without the carpe diem

    Doug (Stop calling)
    Doug (Stop calling)
    Doug (La, La, La, La, La, La, La)<

    Available on The Grim Parade

  • Doug’s Resurrection: Part Two [Uncle Bonsai/]

    I set the thing in motion
    I liked to watch it spin
    And now and then I added an amino
    I filled it up with ocean
    And sprinkled something in
    And suddenly there’s Barney, Fred, and Dino
    There never was a recipe
    That seemed like such a waste
    I started it organically
    At least, organic-based
    You take a bunch of proteins
    And you season it to taste

    I set the thing in motion
    But then I had to quit
    I thought that I had heard my mother calling
    I never had the notion
    A single cell could split
    Imagine my surprise to see you crawling
    With only three dimensions
    Some fruit trees and some snakes
    I had no real intentions
    I guess that them’s the breaks
    I didn’t pay attention
    Hell, we all make mistakes

    There is nothing up here waiting
    In this still and perfect air
    No beautiful horizon
    That I might want to share
    I left you fire and free will
    From the moment of your birth
    I only gave you heaven on earth

    I set the thing in motion
    And might have got it wrong
    I should have made the whole thing out of playdough
    ‘Cause there’s always such commotion
    When someone comes along
    And thinks they see my face in a potato
    I always kept my distance
    I never shared my views
    Even my existence
    Was not the front page news
    Well, maybe just a couple times
    I kibbitzed with the jews

    There is not a cloud to stand upon
    No dog or fish in sight
    No supergroup of superstars
    Jamming through the night
    I left you greener pastures
    And you sent back astroturf
    I only gave you heaven on earth

    You had orange, yellow orange, orange yellow
    You had lemon, goldenrod, and tangerine
    From mandarin, to cantaloupe, to pumpkin
    With every other melon in between
    Still, with all those things at your disposal
    And intelligent, or really smart, designs
    A billion folks with nothing on their minds
    Never learned to draw outside the lines

    There is no one watching over you
    You’re fat because you’re fat
    No ever, ever, ever after
    Where’s the fun in that
    I left you no distractions
    And nothing’s what it’s worth
    I only gave you one thing
    (At least I gave you something)
    I only gave you heaven on earth

    Available on The Grim Parade

  • Doug’s Second Proposal [Electric Bonsai Band]

    I will never be the man you always dreamed of
    I will never be the man I thought I’d be
    I may never have that spark
    Or ever leave my mark
    I will never have a place in history

    I may never have a sense of satisfaction
    I may never get a glimpse of something great
    I would never try to be
    A man of destiny
    I would never want to tempt that fate

    I will never be your prince
    It will be years of second guessing
    I could never work that hard to win
    I will never be invincible
    Though that might be a blessing
    I could never handle such thick skin

    I will never say that love can last forever
    I have never seen a love that stayed around
    And though I’ll never be the one
    You dreamed when you were young
    I could never be the one to let you down
    I would never want to make
    ...Make that same mistake
    I will never let you down

    Available on Primal Urges

  • Drunken Paul Revere [Electric Bonsai Band]

    I am standing by this tower
    I am ready for the light
    They will hear my in Charlestown
    Should the British come tonight
    And all this waiting makes me tired
    But the whiskey keeps me warm
    And a sip or two will calm me
    Just before the British storm

    And it’s one if by land
    Two if by sea
    How many people
    Are counting on me
    One if by land
    Two if by sea
    Lamps for the Sons of Liberty

    I’ve been waiting here for hours
    How I wish my horse was here
    They can take away my saddle
    But they’ll never get my beer
    I don’t know if they are coming
    I don’t hear the sound of feet
    And I could just as easily spot them
    From the tavern down the street

    And it’s one if by land
    Two if by sea
    Three if they’re coming
    By some other means
    If they come through the marsh
    Is that water or earth
    How many lamps is that worth

    So I’ll make my way to Medford
    And I’ll try to keep it down
    But I don’t realize when I’m shouting
    ‘Til I wake the whole damn town
    If I’m no good at keepng secrets
    You can blame it on the brew
    But if they jail my ass in Concord
    Someone else will make it through

    And it’s one if by land
    Two if by sea
    Three if they’re coming
    By some other means
    Four if it’s hopeless
    Five if they’re late
    Six if they’re making us wait

    I will row across the river
    I will plot the perfect course
    I will take some grapes to snack on
    And some oats for Larkin’s horse
    I have memorized the shortcuts
    That has been my claim to fame
    ‘Cause once a map’s unfolded
    It is never quite the same

    I am sleeping in the stable
    I can hardly feel my skin
    If Ben Franklin would invent it
    I could use some aspirin
    And I don’t believe I made it
    Though I think I’m not alone
    If I start to spin this story
    Someday I’ll be in a poem

    Available on Primal Urges


  • E

  • The Emergence of Political Thought: 1960 - 1990 [Electric Bonsai Band]


    A political singer
    With nothing to say
    Decided to sing for us anyway
    He was tired and tusseled
    He was quick with a cause
    And he got lost in his alliteration

    Now this political singer
    (Who was fashionably gay)
    Was rapidly chasing the folks away
    So I decided to make him
    My song of the day
    Which shows you how much I have to say

    Nothing to say
    Nothing to say
    Nothing to say
    Both of us have nothing to say

    Available on I Am Joe's Eyes

  • Epilogue (Doug at the Gates of Hell) [Electric Bonsai Band]

    An old Jewish woman, who had been very observant and faithful her entire life, lay on her death-bed surrounded by her family. Feeling her time was approaching, she called for the rabbi who, as he came close to hear her whispered last wishes, was surprised to see the beads around her neck. “Golde”, the rabbi cried out. “Why are you wearing a rosary?” The old woman looked up at the rabbi and sighed: “What if they’re right?”

    I’ve had religion all my life
    And now that life is gone
    I’m face to face into the light
    And I guess I’m moving on
    Just an ordinary life
    An ordinary soul

    I’ll miss the mornings with my wife
    The nights we spent alone
    All those perfect little fights
    In our perfect little home
    Just an ordinary wife
    I will miss her growing old

    Thank you for the flowers
    They were just the perfect touch
    And I’m sorry for the phone calls
    Have they hurt you very much
    Keep an eye out on my mother
    This is sure to take its toll

    I’ve had religion come and go
    But kept it in my heart
    And if that heart was beating slow
    Well, at least it played a part
    Just an ordinary heart
    Didn’t have the fight

    And I’ve tried to practice what I preach
    But only preach a bit
    And if that light is out of reach
    Well, I guess I’ll handle it
    Just an ordinary light
    We never kissed good-bye

    Could I ask you for a favor
    Even though it’s not our way
    Sing a psalm or light a candle
    Say a prayer for me today
    Just in case I wasn’t chosen
    And the Catholics were right

    I’ve kept religion in its place
    So hard and resolute
    I see you’ve found the perfect space
    And you found my favorite suit
    Just an ordinary place
    Can I watch you breathe?

    All those notches on the belt
    Those diets on display
    I took a pill or two myself
    And I’m here now anyway
    Just an ordinary day
    Do you have to leave?

    Keep it singular and simple
    With nothing underneath
    And let my epitaph be something
    That my children will receive
    Here lies a man who will believe
    When it’s convenient to believe

    Available on Lounging in the Belly of the Beast and Doug


  • F

  • Family Restaurant* [Uncle Bonsai]

    For a pork chop and a malt
    For a cheese dog and a can of orange crush
    For a host of smiling faces
    For a smoking swollen waitress you can trust
    Where kids burp out their orders
    And they armpit-fart for quarters
    And parents curse them underneath their breaths
    A place where corn fed cattle meet their deaths

    Where you take what you can get
    Where you close your eyes, you pinch your nose and pray
    Where the meat on plastic dishes
    Looks as sav'ry and nutritious as the tray
    A time for I-love-you-ing
    And give thanks for what you're chewing
    We never place an order for ourselves
    The waitress serves up something for our health

    At the restaurant, The Family Restaurant
    Home is never really very far
    You find yourself among the salad bar
    At the restaurant, The Family Restaurant
    A chance to understand your history
    Where Beef is King, Mom's Queen, And Kids Go Free

    While the muzak sets the mood
    Mother sings along with Mitch or Mancini
    While the waitress draws on eyebrows
    In the places where she thinks they used to be
    Where the subtlety's not tasted
    And a lot of words are wasted
    And the waitress let her hairdo go to far
    While the dog is quickly cooking in the car

    At the restaurant, The Family Restaurant
    People say exactly what they mean
    Living in a sunset magazine
    At the restaurant, the Family Restaurant
    A place that uses Mother's recipe
    Where Beef is King, Mom's Queen, And Kids Go Free

    Velveta
    It's on everything that you can buy
    It's Velveta
    It's the spam of the cheeses, It's sure to appease
    It's Velveta
    Just the name brings the tears to my eyes
    It's Velveta
    It's like cheese with a perfect disguise

    For a cobbler and a tart
    For a sherbet that the waitress recommends
    For a Shirley-temple toast
    To the chefs we like to think of as our friends
    Filled with nausea and the knowledge
    That there's money left for college
    For the price what more could any family want
    We'll be faithful to our family restaurant

    At the restaurant, The Family Restaurant
    A place to find out what your family thinks
    Among the pork and beans and wienie winks
    At the restaurant, the Family Restaurant
    A place to learn about your history
    Where Beef is King, Mom's Queen, And Kids Go Free

    Words: Arni Adler | Music: Andrew Ratshin
    Available on Boys Want Sex in the Morning and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • Fat Boys (a love song) [Uncle Bonsai]

    Skinny boys got nothin’
    To lean against in bed
    Bony arms and shoulders
    Only bruise my head
    And when they try to wrestle me
    I beat them pound for pound
    Skinny boys got nothing
    To wrap your arms around

    Skinny boys got visions
    Of god-like qualities
    But every time I greet one
    There’s nothing there to squeeze
    All that wasted effort
    All that vanity
    Skinny boys got visions
    Of immortality

    Something ‘bout those muscle bound boys
    Practicing their clean and jerk
    Oiling up their bodies for the shine
    Never liked those tan and lean boys
    Too much pressure, too much work
    Looking in the mirror for a sign
    I just want a baby-fat boy
    Double sized and double chinned
    Belly big and pillow to my brain
    I just want a spacious lap boy
    Jump right on and sink right in
    Loving handles driving me insane

    All of that extra weight
    All of that extra muscle to play with
    Gives me another reason to stay
    With the fat boys, fat boys
    Everyone cleans the plate
    Truly inspired the last of us lingers
    To sit by the fire and lick off the fingers
    Of the fat boys, fat boys

    Skinny boys are losers
    Who seem to try too hard
    But every time they talk to me
    They won’t let down their guard
    All that blind devotion
    All the foolish pride
    Skinny boys are losers
    With no place left to hide

    I don’t want no squeaky clean boys
    So repressed and so refined
    Walking like their feet don’t touch the ground
    I don’t want no Mama’s best boy
    Undeveloped, undefined
    Waiting for his chance to be profound
    I just want an overgrown boy
    Unconditioned, unrehearsed
    Fleshy body waiting for the squeeze
    Overweight and overblown boys
    Whet my whistle, quench my thirst
    Chubby cheeks just drop me to my knees

    All of that extra skin
    All of that extra stuffing to yearn for
    Gives me another reason to burn
    For the fat boys, fat boys
    Everyone wants to sin
    Truly discerning the last of us hovers
    To turn up the music and turn down the covers
    With the fat boys, fat boys

    Fat boys so massive
    And fat boys so sweet
    Fat boys to fondle and bite
    Fat boys to feed me
    Whenever we meet
    Fat boys to turn out the light
    Fat boys so ample
    To sample and hold
    Fat boys to brighten my day
    Fat boys so grand
    To manhandle and mold
    Fat boys to steal me away

    All of the extra cheek
    All of that extra cargo to carry
    Gives me another reason
    To marry the fat boys, fat boys
    Everyone takes a peak
    Truly determined we go through the paces
    We’re puffing our chests
    And we’re stuffing our faces
    For the fat boys, fat boys

    Available on A Lonely Grain of Corn, Boys Want Sex in the Morning, and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • Fifteen Minutes of Fame [Electric Bonsai Band]

    So you came in two by two
    ‘Cause that’s what you were told
    And you hung out up on deck
    ‘Cause it smelled down in the hold
    What you gonna do?
    What you gonna do when it’s up to you?
    So it rained for forty days
    And forty nights complete
    But you had a lot of time to kill
    And plenty there to eat
    What you gonna do?
    What you gonna do when it’s up to you?

    You had 15 minutes of fame
    Only 15 minutes of fame
    Only 15 minutes and you blew it all the same
    You had 15 minutes of fame

    They came to you at night
    And they shared a little wine
    Said “if you ever thought of moving out
    Then this might be the time”
    What you gonna do?
    What you gonna do when it’s up to you?
    So you rounded up the kids
    And you emptied out the vault
    And you headed out with something sweet
    Who ended up as salt
    What you gonna do?
    What you gonna do when it’s up to you?

    You had 15 minutes of fame
    Only 15 minutes of fame
    Only 15 minutes and you blew it all the same
    You had 15 minutes of fame

    And I heard you told the teacher
    ‘bout the miracle child
    Said he was turning all the milk into wine
    But your teacher got so tired
    Of your terrible whining
    That she put you at the end of the line
    So the little boy messiah
    Turned his cheek to his friend
    Said there’s a lesson that you really should learn
    If you’re gonna get bought
    And you’re gonna get caught
    Then I’m afraid that you’re going to burn

    So you parted the Red Sea
    ‘Cause that’s where you were heading
    And it was such a lovely afternoon
    But such a boring setting
    What you gonna do?
    What you gonna do when it’s up to you?
    So you thought that you were free
    But tell me what you proved
    A thousand years have passed
    And you’re still tired from the move
    What you gonna do?

    Available on Lounging in the Belly of the Beast

  • The Fish Is In The Freezer [Uncle Bonsai]

    The fish is in the freezer
    We’re waitin’ for the ground to thaw
    The fish is in the freezer
    We’re waitin’ for the ground to thaw
    Morning in December
    The coldest day I ever saw

    The fish is up in heaven
    At least, that’s what my mother said
    The fish is up in heaven
    At least, that’s what my mother said
    There used to be another
    But every fish I owned is dead

    Oh there’s a place I know
    Where all the dead fish go
    Out in the fertile ground
    Where all the cats hang out

    The fish once had a brother
    Boy fish are the first to go
    The fish once had a brother
    Boy fish are the first to go
    We buried him in summer
    No one said I told you so

    Oh if I just knew why
    All of the good ones die
    The soul of the family
    Falls from the family tree
    Falling away from me

    The fish is in the freezer
    I promised that I wouldn’t cry
    The fish is in the freezer
    I promised that I wouldn’t cry
    The coldest day of Winter
    I never got to say goodbye

    Available on The Grim Parade

  • Flesh vs Flesh [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Flesh against flesh
    Bodies that shiver
    Make me surrender
    ‘Til the night meets the day
    Make me confess
    With lips that still quiver
    Make me remember
    Make me carried away

    Turn out the lights
    Draw all the curtains
    Tear me to pieces
    ‘Til I can’t take no more
    Fingers so tight
    Bodies so certain
    Follow the crease
    ‘Cause you’ve been there before

    Take me to dinner
    Take me to town
    Take me to heaven
    Lift my feet off the ground
    Like a moth in the darkness
    Being drawn to the light
    You’d be nice to come home to
    On a cold winter’s night

    Sheets that still cling
    Bodies that linger
    Don’t move a muscle
    ‘Cause it’s almost like pain
    Don’t say a thing
    Don’t lift a finger
    Every new motion
    Starts it over again

    Make me an offer
    Make me perspire
    Make me a martyr
    Make me burn with desire
    I won’t put on the airs
    And I won’t put up a fight
    ‘Cause uou’d be nice to come home to
    On a cold winter’s night

    We can shut out the noises
    We can shut ourselves in
    Just the sound of our voices
    Just the feel of the skin
    If the spirit is willing
    But the body is weak
    You can take me to bed
    We’ll make our own kind of heat

    Shake out the sheets
    Take out the laundry
    Break out the glasses
    And we’ll make out ok
    Take to the streets
    Take to the country
    Take me tonight
    And we’ll get carried away

    Wake with music
    Wake me with wine
    Wake me tomorrow
    Make me know that you’re wine
    I’ll be there in the morning
    With a strong appetite
    ‘Cause You’d be nice to come home to
    On a cold winter’s night
    Like a moth in the darkness
    Being drawn to the light
    You’d be nice to come home to
    On a cold winter’s night

    Available on "20 Second of Pleasure"

  • Folk Song [Uncle Bonsai]

    Take and E chord
    Then an A chord
    Then an E chord
    Then a B (with a seventh)
    Take an E chord
    Then an A chord
    E’s a very
    Special key

    If an E chord’s
    Used with caring
    It can lead towards
    Something rare
    ‘Cause an E chord’s
    Never daring
    No an E chord’s
    Always fair

    Leave the writing to the writers
    Leave the singing To the ones who can sing
    Leave the fighting to the fighters
    Put a pad lock on the old six string

    Take an E chord
    Played with feeling
    That’s an E chord
    Filled with pride
    ‘Cause an E chord’s
    Not revealing
    And the E chords
    Never hide

    Please don’t sing. Please don’t sing
    Please don’t sing another folk song
    I’ve heard them all before
    You’ve heard them all before

    If your part is
    On the keyboard
    Then the E chord’s
    A special sound
    And when your start is
    With an E chord
    Then the E chord
    Comes around

    Leave the strumming to the strumming
    Leave the sing-alongs
    For those with no shame
    Could the folks be any dumber
    Can’t they see that they’re the ones to blame

    Please don’t sing, Please don’t sing
    Please don’t sing another folk song
    They sound the same to me
    They’ll sound the same to you

    If a C chord starts the chorus
    Could a G be far behind
    If an F chord doesn’t bore us
    Need the G be redefined
    See a G chord is frustration
    When the F chord intervenes
    But a D chord’s modulation
    Is the best chord we have seen

    Take and E chord
    Then an A chord
    Then an E chord
    Then a B (with a seventh)
    It’s the E chord
    And the A chord
    That makes E
    A special key

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn

  • Forty Second Song For David Wilcox [Electric Bonsai Band]

    All of the women in the front row
    Think that my songs are for them somehow
    Beautiful women in the front row
    I’m married
    I’m really married
    I’m really married now

    All of the women in the audience
    Think I can see them within the crowd
    Beautiful women in the darkness
    I’m married
    I’m really married
    I’m really married now

    Beautiful women I see on the sidewalk
    I’m not really looking at you today
    You stay on your side, I’ll stay on my side
    I’m minding my business and on my way

    All of the women on the planet
    Think that I’m taking an extra bow
    Beautiful women I am what I am
    And I’m married
    I’m really married
    And I have children now

    Available on 20 Seconds of Pleasure

  • Four Out Of Five Cats [Uncle Bonsai]

    Four out of five cats hate me
    Three out of five like to hiss
    Two of them watch from the railing
    Like there’s something they don’t want to miss
    One of them acts like a lookout
    While one of them signals “all clear”
    Four out of five cats are waiting
    The fifth cat has yet to appear

    Four out of five cats are nervous
    ‘Cause two of them made it inside
    And one of the four has been neutered
    (He’s only along for the ride)
    One of the cats from the alley
    Has stared through my window for weeks
    The fifth cat looks something like Brando
    And meows like there’s stuff in his cheeks

    Were you really ever kittens
    Were you really ever cute
    Did you tame the town like tigers
    In your cuddly kitten suit
    Should I sleep with one eye open
    Should I wonder how you strayed
    How many lives must a kitty take
    ‘Fore a kitty cat is made

    Four out of five cats have collars
    They must be in some sort of club
    And one of them’s missing his dew claws
    I’m guessing he crossed the wrong cub
    Brando cat slowly approaches
    I’m trying my best to play dead
    Fourth cat can’t wait ‘til the morning
    When I wake with sardines in my bed

    Were you really ever kittens
    Were you really ever cute
    Were you dancing through the dog days
    With the hounds in hot pursuit
    Should I cower in the corner
    With the guinea pigs and guilt
    Are you waltzing with the wiseguys
    While the band plays where’s the milk

    What are you gonna do now, now, now, now, now
    Now that you’ve gotten so sloppy
    ‘Cause all night long it’s meow, meow, meow, meow
    You must be feeling the heat
    Which one of us’ll go down, down, down, down, down
    Which one’s the capo di capi
    You found your way out some how, how, how, how, how
    You should be bowing . . . bow-bow-bow-bowing to me
    ‘Cause I’m the one with the key

    Were you really ever kittens (I got the meow mix with me)
    Were you really ever cute (Look through the window and see)
    Did you waste your trace of freedom (I got the catnip with me)
    Did you taste forbidden fruit . . . she’s got the key
    Should I pity the poor pussy cat
    Who got caught out in the rain
    Was there really something stirring
    In that tiny kitty brain

    Four out of five cats hate me
    Three out of five take a nap
    Two of them wander the alley
    As they look for a whole different lap

    Unreleased


  • G

  • Go To Sleep [Uncle Bonsai]

    Go to sleep
    Darling, go to sleep
    Now that the nightinggale’s down for the night
    Now that the Angels have all taken flight
    This is a good time to turn off the light
    Go to sleep

    Go to sleep
    Sweetheart, go to sleep
    Now that the songbird has finished its tune
    Now that the Angels have circled the moon
    I’ve got some cash if you go to sleep soon
    Go to sleep

    We’ve said goodnight to the room and the chairs
    A quiet old lady is yawning
    Two little kittens and three little bears
    All have to work in the morning

    Go to sleep
    Honey, go to sleep
    Now that the owl has eaten its prey
    Now that the Angels have all flown away
    Let’s pray for an end to a really long day
    Go to sleep

    ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

    Go to sleep
    Really, go to sleep
    Now that the piper has piped it’s last peep
    Now that the Angels have started to weep
    I’m out of patience and you’re out of sheep
    Go to sleep

    It’s time for bed, little bee, little bee
    Both of your eyes should be shuttin’
    Brown Bear, oh Brown Bear, oh what do you see
    I see a child who’s pushing my buttons

    Go to sleep
    Seriously, go to sleep
    Now that the flickers are all flying south
    Now that the Angels are all full of doubt
    We’ll play a game I call “shutting your mouth”
    Go to sleep

    We’ve gone to the bathroom we’ve had a time out
    We’ve argued until I turned blue
    Your favorite board book is all but worn out
    I’m more than a little worn too
    You can fly like a bird you can swim like a trout
    ‘Cause you know that I’ll be there for you
    But if you’re still awake when I turn this light out
    That runaway bunny is stew

    Go to sleep
    Come on, go to sleep
    Now that the early bird’s here to begin
    The Angels are drowning their sorrows in gin
    This is a battle that I want to win
    Go to sleep
    When will the Benedryl start kicking in
    Go to sleep

    Unreleased

  • The Grim Parade* [Uncle Bonsai]

    And so the years went on and on
    Another cat another dog
    Another marker on a lawn that’s getting crowded
    We changed the paper, cleaned the bowl
    We kept it warm, we kept it cold
    We did whatever we were told, no doubt about it

    So we found the perfect name
    And we taught them all to stay
    The way we got them to obey was simply stunning
    We learned to love their little songs
    We taught them all to run along
    If they had learned to run away they’d still be running
    We were picture perfect people to come home to
    We were loving and we loved them all to death

    You shoulda crawled
    You shoulda run
    You should’ve flown
    You shoulda swum
    You shouldda seen when you came in
    We were the killin’ kind of kin
    This is where the end of you begins

    So it all begins again
    The wagging tails and floating fins
    Pairs of claws and every paw they ever had
    A grim parade of cat and mouse
    Moving through our little house
    Birds of feathers, balls of fur from mom and dad
    If they had only kept the color they came in with
    Not as peaceful or as pale as when they left

    You should’ve fled
    You should squirmed
    You shoulda climbed
    You shoulda wormed
    You shoulda seen when you came in
    It was a bline to the bin
    This is where the end of you begins

    There were pets we never loved
    Who kept on breathing anyway
    We left them high, we left them dry,
    They wouldn’t die
    But the ones we raised like children,
    That we clung to every day
    The dropped like flies

    You shoulda begged untainted meat
    You shoulda shaken off those chains
    You shoulda rolled out of the street
    You shoulda stayed away from trains
    You should seen when you came in
    Or when we named you Anne Boleyn
    That though our love was genuine
    This was no place for Rin Tin Tin
    This is where it ends...
    To make it through the thick and thin
    You shoulda had some thicker skin
    This is where the end of you begins

    Words: Arni Adler/Andrew Ratshin | Music: Andrew Ratshin
    Available on The Grim Parade

  • Guardian Angel [Electric Bonsai Band]

    He passed the tower when he heard her whine
    She lowered her hair down so he made the climb
    She pulled him quickly to her favorite corner
    Where the air was sickly and the night was warmer
    She knew from the start
    She’d have to break his heart
    He wouldn’t know what hit him
    If the room stayed dark

    Now people told him don’t you go up there
    You’ll get a legal tangle and a mess of hair
    But he started swimming towards the siren’s calling
    As the lights were dimming and the hair was falling
    She knew from his face
    She’d have to feel the rage
    He wouldn’t know what hit him
    ’Til she told her age

    Guardian Angel of the Disney Channel
    Turned a ring of fire into a ring of flannel
    She was all grown up then she was sweet sixteen
    And nothing lasts forever
    Nothing lasts forever but the dream

    Well the palace tabloid had it all confused
    But the king was angry when he read the news
    The prince was guilty ‘cause he’d spoiled the fable
    When he shocked the kingdom
    When he robbed the cradle
    He knew from the first
    That she could quench his thirst
    He didn’t know what hit him
    When the bubble burst

    Guardian Angel of the children’s hour
    Made a Shirley Temple from a Whisky Sour
    She was more the woman than he’d ever seen
    But nothing lasts forever
    Nothing lasts forever but the dream

    She let her hair down ’til her father caught her
    With her cigarillo and her scotch and water
    With the fading values that her mother taught her
    And a prince all wrapped
    Around his youngest daughter

    Oh Guardian Angel of the fading glory
    First it’s statuesque and then it’s statutory
    First it’s sleight of hand and then it’s might have been
    And nothing lasts forever
    Nothing lasts forever but the dream

    Available on But I'm Happy Now


  • H

  • Half Of The People [Uncle Bonsai]

    Half of the people in the world
    Think that their God
    Can take your God
    Two out of three times
    Or three out of five
    And half of these half of the people in the world
    Will discover
    That they’re wrong

    And half of the people in the world
    Think that their God
    Is a sports fan
    Roots for the home team
    And only the home team
    And half of the half of the people in the world
    Thinks that fumbles
    Are a sign from above

    Half of the people in the world
    Know they’re going straight to heaven
    With all of their pets and with no questions asked
    But half of the people in the world
    Would make heaven really crowded
    Which is not really heavenly is it?
    Not a heaven that one wants to visit
    Kinda like Gideon
    You know, that planet in Star Trek
    ‘Cept without a transporter
    And no hope of disease

    Half of the people in the world
    Think that their God
    Will come save them
    From all of the flooding
    That’s if there is flooding
    ‘Though he might be busy
    And he made the flood
    And half of the half of those people in the world
    Should be learning
    How to swim

    Available on The Grim Parade

  • Happy Endings (Romeo and Juliet) [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Juliet was waiting
    Romeo was late as usual
    And Juliet was worried that someone had found him
    She knew he’d make it there somehow
    But wondered where for art he now*
    That everything was falling down around them
    Maybe beyond the castle walls
    Maybe another lover calls
    Maybe he’s wandering the halls
    Or doesn’t love her after all

    Juliet worked hard to keep her Romeo in hiding
    ‘Cause she knew if they were caught
    She couldn’t lie about him
    Who knew she carried such a torch
    That when he show up on the porch
    She said she thought that she would die without him
    Maybe he worried when she said
    Maybe they’d both be better dead
    Maybe they’d find a place to wed
    Maybe they’d find them there in bed

    Seems like a happy ending
    Must be a happy ending
    Here is a happy ending
    This is as happy as it gets
    Looks like a happy ending
    Must be a happy ending
    This is a happy ending
    For Romeo and Juliet

    Juliet was lucky
    ‘Cause she never had a phone that didn’t ring
    Never went searching for the land o’ plenty
    Romeo was really quite the catch
    If heaven ever made a match
    That is the one that I would likely envy
    Maybe a lover comes along
    Maybe in story or in song
    Maybe the heart is really strong
    A million lemmings can’t be wrong

    Seems like a happy ending
    Must be a happy ending
    Here is a happy ending
    This is as happy as it gets
    Looks like a happy ending
    Must be a happy ending
    This is a happy ending
    For Romeo and Juliet

    You know you really should have seen them
    Capulet and Montague
    And so their parents came between them
    Isn’t that what parents do?
    I wonder if I could have been there
    I wonder where the passion ends
    Can love be even simpler yet
    Than Romeo and Juliet
    What’s a little death among friends?

    Juliet was dying
    Romeo was there beside her
    Just exactly as he’d promised on the balcony
    She knew it happened pretty fast
    That they had found their peace at last
    But couldn’t overlook the irony
    Some people know with just a look
    Their lives will end up storybook
    They knew exactly what it took
    The moment Romeo was hooked

    Seems like a happy ending
    Must be a happy ending
    Here is a happy ending
    This is as happy as it gets
    Looks like a happy ending
    Must be a happy ending
    This is a happy ending
    For Romeo and Juliet


    *Yes...I know it means why!

    Available on Lounging in the Belly of the Beast and Primal Urges

  • He Must Have Been A Genius [Uncle Bonsai]

    He said he knew just what was best for me
    He told me things I didn’t know
    He said he wouldn’t ever pressure me
    Said he wouldn’t ever go

    He said he wanted to be close to me
    He never really left my side
    He said he wanted to propose to me
    But he never found the time

    Watching TV and reading papers
    Always thinking of a plan
    Something for an honest man
    To do with his days
    He had his ways

    He said he’d love me for eternity
    He said he’d never let me down
    He told me that he’d always turn to me
    That he’d always be around

    And he, he must have been a genius
    He told me so himself
    Every morning at the breakfast table
    Doing crosswords in his sleep
    Every evening in the dark
    Making love with open eyes

    He wrote a letter to my family
    He said he’d never make me cry
    He said he’d give me immortality
    And he never said good bye

    And he, he must have been a genius
    He told me so himself
    Every morning at the breakfast table
    Doing crosswords in his sleep
    Every evening in the dark
    Making love with open eyes

    And he, he could have been a genius
    I told him that myself
    In the morning when he looked so frightened
    And he couldn’t shake the sleep
    Every evening in the dark
    I forget to close my eyes

    Available on A Lonely Grain of Corn and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • Heartache [Uncle Bonsai]

    I’ll wait forever
    If you give me your smile
    I’m holding on to a dream
    I know I’m acting
    Like a juvenile
    It seems I’m always taking things
    To the extreme
    I’ve got a heartache
    I’ve got a heartache

    I’m always waiting
    For some love to arrive
    I only want my fair share
    But I try so hard
    To keep some damn thing alive
    I never seem to notice
    That there’s nobody there
    I’ve got a heartache
    I’ve got a heartache

    I don’t want to fall in love again this time
    I don’t want to be a victim
    Of your victimless crime
    I don’t want to go emotional dancing
    With someone who’s going to find
    Another man for romancing
    I don’t want to go and put my love on the line
    For someone who will never be mine

    I think I’m heading for
    A terrible fall
    I’m spinning out of control
    Your words of wisdom
    Have meant nothing at all
    And all that sound advice
    Still leaves me out in the cold
    I’ve got a heartache
    I’ve got a heartache

    Available on Boys Want Sex in the Morning and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • How Hard Is Love [Electric Bonsai Band]

    How hard is love
    After all this time
    I can feel you breathe
    You know how I feel
    Maybe this is all
    All that love should be
    How hard is love

    How hard is love
    Resting side by side
    Hand in hand we wait
    Time can move so slow
    Maybe time will show
    What we’ll always be
    How hard is love

    Once we were alone
    Now we never part
    Even when we part
    We are not apart
    Once you held my hand
    Now you hold my heart

    How hard is love
    Watching as you dream
    I can hear your thoughts
    Time is standing still
    Maybe time is all
    All we really need
    How hard is love

    Once we were alone
    Now we never part
    Even when we part
    We are not apart
    Once you held my hand
    Now you hold my heart

    How hard is love
    People come and go
    Watch them as they fade
    You will still be here
    Always in my reach
    Easier than air
    How hard is love

    Available on Primal Urges


  • I

  • I Am Joe’s Eyes [Electric Bonsai Band]

    It was the heart
    Without the passion
    With all the veins and nerves
    And blood without the heat
    It was the heart
    Without the burden
    And it would pump the pages full of life
    Still never beat

    It was the lung
    Without the power
    And it was split apart
    So all could watch it breathe
    It was the lung
    Without the air flow
    And it would shine with all the tired tissue underneath

    It’s all so cold
    It’s only pieces
    Goes just as far as eyes can see

    It was the tongue
    Without the flavor
    Without the moisture or the texture
    Without taste
    It was the brain
    Without the memory
    And you could chart it like a world
    And still no thoughts embrace

    They’re not the whole
    They’re just the pieces
    They come together or they never mean a thing
    There’s no control
    There’s only pieces
    What good are pieces
    How can you fill the empty shells
    Without the colors and the smells

    I am Joe’s eyes
    Between the vision and the light
    I am Joe’s eyes
    Between the image and the sight
    I am Joe’s eyes
    I see the paper wearing thin
    I’m on the inside looking in
    I hate the compromise
    I am Joe’s eyes
    It was the skin
    Without the tension
    And all the layers folded back
    So all could see
    It was the face
    Without dimension
    And it was split apart to view
    In perfect symmetry

    There’s just no soul
    There’s only pieces
    What good are pieces
    How can you fill them full of breath
    Without the danger and the death

    I am Joe’s eyes
    Between the vision and the view
    I am Joe’s eyes
    Between the image and the hue
    I am Joe’s eyes
    I see the faces all confused
    I watch the parts that aren’t used
    I always agonize
    I am Joe’s eyes

    All the fingers
    All the muscles
    All the tendons
    All the cells
    All the vessels
    All the membranes
    All the marrow
    All the bones

    I am Joe’s eyes
    Between the vision and fact
    I am Joe’s eyes
    Between the image and the act
    I am Joe’s eyes
    I see the brevity of truth
    I watch the restlessness of youth
    They’ve been desensitized
    I am Joe’s eyes

    Available on I Am Joe's Eyes and Primal Urges

  • I Am My Dad [Electric Bonsai Band]

    The ties get wider
    The pants get tight
    I look inside but the memory stalls
    The shirts get brighter
    The pants turn white
    It’s almost winter Miami calls

    The belts get bigger
    As does the waist
    I never figured on being this vast
    Look in the mirror
    That’s not my face
    It’s happened so hard and so fast

    And I, I, I.....I am my dad
    Yes I, I, I.....I am my dad

    The eyes get weaker
    The cheeks get pink
    The hair gets thinner, what hair still remains
    I can’t wear sneakers
    I start to shrink
    The ground gets closer with every day

    And I, I, I.....I am my dad
    Yes I, I, I.....I am my dad

    Though the signs may seem blurry
    When out on the highway
    Don’t tell me I’m legally blind
    There’s no need to worry
    We’ll make it through my way
    We’ll straddle that dotted white line

    The pulse gets quicker
    The ankles creak
    I grab my slippers when I have to run
    The blood gets thicker
    The bladder’s weak
    It’s passed on from father to son

    And I, I, I.....I am my dad
    Yes I, I, I.....I am my dad

    Available on But I'm Happy Now and Primal Urges

  • I Awoke In Iowa [Uncle Bonsai]

    Life passing by
    Staring up at the sky
    In a corn field as high as an elephant’s eye
    Though I don’t know why an elephant might be in Iowa

    I don’t recall
    Ever feeling this small
    Eye on the ball as it slows to a crawl
    Surrounded by all of this merciless sprawl they call Iowa

    Here’s to the plow
    Here’s to the plowers
    Here’s to the quilting
    For hours and hours
    Here’s to the tractors
    The children can drive
    Here’s to the churches
    That keep us alive.........

    How does it feel
    Standing out in a field
    With the women who kneel
    At the thought of chenille
    I’m nothing but veal
    And I’m hardly a meal here in Iowa

    There’s Mrs. Mullins
    And Mrs. Brown’s rooster
    There’s Mrs. Billington
    Bradford and Brewster
    The Fullers and Fishers
    Are worried ‘bout frost
    There’s Mrs. Rosenberg
    She must be lost

    Now, I fell asleep to the sounds of the subway
    The pizzas and pretzels and cabbies and crime
    I fell asleep to the glow of excess
    Of a greater Grand Central, a good Guggenheim
    I fell asleep in the land of the famous
    Ain’t that Jerry Seinfeld, Ain’t that Robin Byrd
    But I opened my eyes and my ears to the strangest
    Most deafening silence that I’ve ever heard
    ‘Cause when I awoke, when I awoke, I awoke in Iowa

    It’s hard to ignore
    The God at the core
    While pacing the floor of the general store
    Who could be bored touring this vortex called Iowa

    Here’s to the pious
    Here’s to their pity
    Here’s to the wonders
    Of Iowa City
    Here’s to the prayer group
    That everyone joins
    Here’s to the skyscraping
    Sights of Des Moines

    Now, I fell asleep in the city of angels
    With buildings that buckle, and sidewalks that burn
    I fell asleep to the trail of exhaust
    And fabulous people where ever you turn
    I fell asleep in the land of the large
    Angelika above me and stars left and right
    Then I opened my eyes to an infinite number
    Of stars that have kept me awake half the night
    ‘Cause when I awoke, when I awoke, I awoke in Iowa

    Somebody pinch me ‘cause I must be dreaming
    How can one survive with so massive a dose
    All of the bushytailed locals are beaming
    If this isn’t heaven it’s awfully close
    Of all of the places that made an impression
    Always an hor d’oevres and never a feast
    Here in the heartland the heart learns its lesson
    If those were the lessor, than this is the least

    Now, I fell asleep to the mochas and lattes
    The coffees and cafes, the beggers and books
    I fell asleep to the traffic and taxes
    And stadiums every which way that you look
    I fell asleep in the land of the outsider
    Isn’t that Boonie* who’s ready to leave
    Then I opened my eyes to the shock of the sun and
    A cultural wasteland you wouldn’t believe
    ‘Cause when I awoke, when I awoke, I awoke in Iowa

     *was “Junior” when written in 1999, then was A-Rod the following year, then changed to Edgar, then Boonie . . . then we stopped singing it!

    Available on Apology

  • I Like Girls [Uncle Bonsai]

    He said that I was lovely
    He was quite the stereotype
    And he moved a little closer
    ‘Cause he felt the time was ripe
    For a bit of conversation
    For a little show and tell
    Just a friendly confrontation
    With a little love to sell

    Oh,
    I said Oh,
    I said oh, no, no

    He said that I was something
    As he tried to persevere
    And he offered me a cigarette
    And sounded so sincere
    With the bitter taste of romance
    And the sweet smell of success
    He was talking more and more
    ‘Bout less and less

    And Oh
    Won’t you say it isn’t so
    Thought I’m flattered by the interest
    There is something you should know
    While to you it’s just like swine before the pearls
    I like Girls, I like Girls

    He said that I was special
    That he thought I understood
    And he talked about a boyfriend
    That he left in Hollywood
    He was sure in his demeanor
    So secure in his desire
    And he said the grass is greener
    When you’re on the other side

    And Oh
    Won’t you say it isn’t so
    Just a little indecision
    Could destroy the status quo
    Though you say you like the way my moustache curls
    I like Girls, I like Girls
    Though it sounds to you like treason
    I don’t have to give a reason
    I like Girls

    Some people have a problem
    With the way some people dress
    With the way some people walk away
    From people in distress
    They can see the walking wounded
    They just a social nudge
    And the people who are worried
    Are the ones who shouldn’t judge

    I was standing by the counter
    He was standing by my side
    And we drank our drinks in silence
    Then he turned to say good bye
    And I never really worried
    If we’d ever meet again
    I went off to find a woman
    He went off to find a man

    And Oh
    Won’t you say it isn’t so
    It’s so nice to meet a person
    who can let his feelings show
    Though you say that there are all kinds in this world
    (He likes Girls)
    I like Girls
    And you don’t believe I listen
    But I know what I am missin’
    I like girls

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn

  • I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You
    I Love You, I Love You, I’m Trying To Read [Uncle Bonsai]

    Love is
    Love is talking
    Love is talking like a human being

    I could stand the silence if it had some meaning
    I could take the violence if it added spark
    If these fits of caring weren’t so demeaning
    I could stand you staring in the dark
    I can feel you staring in the dark

    Love
    Love is
    Love is smiling
    Love is smiling when the punch is low

    I could stand the pressure if you didn’t need me
    I could take the pleasure with a grain of salt
    I would lose the anger if you didn’t feed me
    With the constant pangs of fear and fault

    I love you, I love you
    I love you, no really
    I love you, please trust me
    Must we keep repeating
    I love you, I love you
    Just call my machine
    In between when you see me
    And when you’ve been seen
    ‘cause I love you, I love you,
    I love you, I love you, I love you,
    I love you, I love you, I love you

    Love
    Love is
    Love is hoping that the
    Door won’t slam

    I could stand the flowers if the thorns would stick me
    I could stay for hours if you’d let me bleed
    I could bring you closer if you’d show some hunger
    You’re just so much younger than I need

    I love you, I love you
    I love you, I love you
    I said it, I love you, I’m trying to read
    I love you, I love you
    I love you, I love you
    I’d love you to stay and I’d love you to leave
    Oh, he’s so sensitive
    He’s so sensitive
    He’s so sensitive
    That’s what the other girls say
    You can see in his eyes
    That there’s love in his eyes
    So I look in your eyes
    And the love’s in the way

    I love you, I love you
    I love you, I love you
    I love you, I love you
    I love you
    It can’t be more clear
    Yes, I love you, I love you
    I love you, I love you
    I’d love you much better
    If you weren’t here

    I could stand the chanting if I spoke the language
    I could take the ranting if the time was right
    I’d be sympathizing with your cries of anguish
    If you’d only sleep at home to night

    Oh, he’s so sensitive
    He’s so sensitive
    He’s so sensitive
    That’s what the other girls say
    You can see in his eyes
    That there’s love in his eyes
    So I look in your eyes
    And the love’s in the way

    I love you, I love you
    You heard me, I love you
    I love you, I said it
    I’ll say it again and
    Again and again
    And I love you, I love you
    I love you, I love you
    Now when will this end

    ‘Cause I love you, I love you
    I love you, I love you
    I love you, I love you
    I love you, I love you

    Available on Apology

  • I Owe You An Apology [Uncle Bonsai]

    I knew a boy who said that happiness was lethal
    I think I might have spoke of him before
    I used every word I knew to say that,
    All things being equal
    We are really not so different at the core
    Piling on the syllables
    Just trying to find some new twist
    Sometimes more is more, sometimes it’s less
    All those minutes wasted
    Finding words to rhyme with hubris
    That’s a lot of baggage, I confess

    Suzy has a baby and another on the way
    Charlie still makes sandwiches,
    I heard he might be gay
    Johnny is successful, at everything he does
    Doug is still a never was

    I knew a girl who thought that every man was evil
    I’m sure I’ve sung about that once or twice
    I could have told you more
    But I was never fond of sequels
    Maybe I should take my own advice
    Happily ever after seemed so ripe for exploitation
    Looking back it seems a little cold
    After what I’d have to call a really long vacation
    Somehow I have softened, so I’m told

    I apologize for speaking out of turn
    And for all the bridges that I might have burned
    If I made any kind of impact,
    That wasn’t meant to be
    I owe you an apology

    I knew a girl who said no love would ever fill her
    I guess that she was lonely for a while
    But you can sing about diseases,
    You can sing about a killer
    Just as long as you can sing it with a smile

    K-Mart isn’t Kmart now, it’s just a Giant K
    Love Boat is in dry dock, may it sail another day
    Olivia Newton John is still a very peppy girl
    I have been to Disney World

    I appreciate the kindness and concern
    It would take too long to tell you what I’ve learned
    All I really wanted was this opportunity
    I owe you an apology

    You know that it doesn’t take a genius
    To make your living singing ‘bout a penis
    There is nothing like shameless merchandizing
    And I’ll say I’m sorry
    When I’m through apologizing

    More than the success for which I’ve yearned
    I wish I earned a lot more than I earned
    But that’s not why I brought you here,
    Although it isn’t free
    I owe you an apology
    I’ll apologize again
    If that is what you want from me
    I owe you an apology

    I knew a boy who said that happiness was lethal
    I think I might have spoke of him before

    Available on Apology

  • I Want A Man [Uncle Bonsai]

    I want a man who’ll wash the dishes
    I want a man who’ll make the bed
    I want a man who’s not suspicious
    I want a man who’s halfway dead
    I want a man who’ll do the laundry
    Vacuum the carpets, sweep the floor
    I want a man who knows his boundaries
    No one could ask for more

    (I want a woman who)
    Shut up, sit down
    (Yes dear, here dear?
    Right away)
    I want a man who’ll follow orders
    I want a man with nothing to say

    I want a man with no ambition
    I want a man with half a brain
    I want a man without a mission
    I want a man who won’t complain
    I want a man who’ll carve the turkey
    Feed the goldfish, cook the meal
    I want a man who’s kind of jerky
    I want a man who does not feel

    (Just a second dear I am coming
    Just a moment I’m on my way
    Can I get you a cup of tea dear
    Just a moment you’ll need a tray)

    I want a man with no desires
    I want a man without a goal
    I want a man who’ll build the fires
    Stir the coffee, stir the coals
    I want a man who likes what I like
    Does what I do, won’t say no
    I want a man who’ll always be here
    I want a man who’ll let me go

    (Just a second I’ll fix the toaster
    Just a moment I’ll get the door
    Just a moment you’ll need a coaster
    Let me get it, your feet are sore)

    (Just a minute dear, wait a minute darling
    Just a moment love, I’m on my way
    Can I get you this, can I get you that
    Can I get you anything at all to start the day)

    Available on Boys Want Sex in the Morning and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • I’m Not The Girl [Mel Cooleys]

    What did I do to deserve you
    Was it really just the luck of the draw
    Was I the one that you wanted or the first one you saw
    And what did I do to unnerve you
    Was it really just the taste of the wine
    Was I the one that you wanted or the last one in line?

    Maybe if I was bolder
    Maybe if you were older
    Maybe I’d share my shoulder
    Maybe if hell was colder

    Don’t cry on me
    I’m not the one
    For sympathy
    My work is done
    Don’t cry on me
    I’m not the girl

    What did I do to distract you
    Was there any other way to get by
    Was I the one to awaken that look in your eye
    And what did I do to attract you
    Was it something that I shouldn’t have said
    Was I the one to see no chance that romance is dead

    Maybe if I was sinking
    Maybe if you stopped winking
    Maybe I’d share my thinking
    Maybe if I started drinking

    Don’t cry on me
    I’m not the one
    For company
    I’m on the run
    Don’t cry on me
    I’m not the girl

    I’m not the one to hold on to
    It’s your overactive imagination
    I’m not the one to hold on to
    I’ve got lots of things to do
    I don’t pretend that I want you
    There must be somebody else who’ll listen
    Someone who doesn’t mind reminiscing
    Someone who knows what a catch she’s missing

    Don’t cry on me
    I’m not the one
    For reverie
    I’ve had my fun
    Don’t cry on me
    I’m not the girl

    Available on Live(?) In Seattle

  • I Would Come Back [Uncle Bonsai]

    So all those years of therapy
    Came crashing down upon you
    And you think you really got what you deserved
    Is there any point in wondering
    Where all those dreams have gone to
    When your family traditions are preserved

    Now I know you need protection
    From those things that never happened
    And I know that there are drugs to keep you sane
    But if I could make us better
    I’d go back in time and tap in to
    The little things that fill us with such pain

    I would come back as the girl who screwed you over
    I would change your history
    ‘Cause if anybody needs a four leaf clover
    It’s the boy you used to be
    I would do anything to change that circumstance
    I would come back as that girl
    I would come back as that girl
    If I come back as that girl
    We’d have a chance

    I used to think that children
    Were the only thing that mattered
    After all was said and done they made you whole
    And I wonder ‘bout a family
    When all the kids have scattered
    Is it distance that gives children some control

    Now I know you get defensive
    When I bring up your defenses
    And I know that there was love in every curse
    But if there was one solution
    That would bring you to your senses
    Don’t you think I’d try it now before we’re worse

    I would come back as the mother that you needed
    I would choke off that assault
    ‘Cause if there’s one thing that should have been repeated
    It’s that you were not at fault
    I would do anything to warn you in advance
    I would come back as that girl
    I would come back as that girl
    If I come back as that girl
    We’d have a chance

    How can I argue
    With somebody who won’t argue
    There’s a history that scarred you
    That you’ve kept behind a curtain
    Try to remember this
    Out on the precipice
    Through all this dreaded bliss
    The one thing certain

    I would come back as the woman that you married
    I would be your greatest friend
    ‘Cause the only way to share this load we’ve carried
    Would be to do it all again
    I would do anything
    I would do anything
    I would do anything to save this whole romance
    I would come back as that girl
    I would come back as that girl
    If I come back as that girl
    We’d have a chance

    Available on The Grim Parade

  • If A Tree Falls [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Call the nurse
    Call the preacher
    This is just the calm before the storm
    Find my wife
    I tried to reach her
    Tell her this is not another false alarm

    With the churning in my stomach
    And the ringing in my head
    If I had to see this day again
    You know I think I’d stay in bed

    Place the call
    Face the answer
    This just hasn’t been my lucky year
    I bite the hand
    And I fight the cancer
    And watch the things around me disappear

    With a spirit that keeps spiraling
    And all the body breaks
    If I had to do it all again
    You know I’d make the same mistakes

    And if a tree falls, And if a tree falls
    And if a tree falls in the forest it’ll land on me

    Take the plunge
    Make some motion
    Keep your eyes on all the warning signs
    Stake the claim
    And fake emotion
    Everybody reads between the lines

    Well the new ones bring depression
    And the old ones bring me down
    If I had to swim that sea of love
    Well you know I’d probably drown

    And if a tree falls, And if a tree falls
    And if a tree falls in the forest it’ll land on me

    And if I keep my eyes closed
    And if I keep my mouth shut
    How can the bad things trickle in
    Just when it can’t get colder
    There turns another shoulder
    And all the gold I’m holding turns to tin

    So call the nurse
    Call the papers
    And try to think of something new to say
    Fall in step
    And call in favors
    And count the ones who look the other way

    With an instinct to remember
    And a loathing to forgive
    If I tried to take my life tonight
    Well you know I’d probably live

    And if a tree falls, And if a tree falls
    And if a tree falls in the forest it’ll land on me

    Available on But I'm Happy Now and Primal Urges

  • If God Went To My High School [Electric Bonsai Band]

    If God went to my high school
    Do you think he’d bring his lunch from home?
    Would loaves of bread and soggy fish-sticks
    Leave him sitting all alone?

    Would he join the chess club
    Or would he try debating?
    Wouldn’t every woman stand in line
    If God said he was dating?

    If God went to my high school
    Would the teachers make him show his work?
    And doesn’t knowing everything
    Wreak havoc on the grading curve?

    If God went to my high school
    Do you think the coach would leave him in?
    With God at starting quarterback
    We’d finally have a chance to win

    ‘Cause everyone will back away
    When God steps back to toss
    Tell me who is gonna tackle God
    And throw him for a loss?

    If God went to my high school
    I bet everyone would know his name
    He’d ace the SATs
    And get a scholarship to Notre Dame

    Available on Primal Urges

  • If You're An Angel (Dancing on Graves) [Electric Bonsai Band]

    ou give your card to your lover
    Tell him never to call you
    And you wonder
    And you wonder
    If he’s going to leave

    You give your hand to a stranger
    Pull him into the water
    Push him under
    Push him under
    ‘Til he can’t even breathe

    You give a yawn for the people who love you
    You never fawn as they crawl to your throne
    You don’t expect them to doubt you
    And they can’t live without you
    Still you wonder why you’re still alone

    You give a smile to the mirror
    Put it into your pocket
    What a treasure
    What a treasure
    How could someone resist

    You send a note to your parents
    And you think that you’ll charge ‘em
    For the pleasure
    For the pleasure
    When you came to exist

    You give a sign to the people who follow
    You say a prayer for the one’s on their own
    All the people around you
    Can’t believe that they found you
    Still you wonder why you’re still alone

    If You’re An Angel
    Let’s See You’re Halo
    Let’s see the savior
    Who never, ever misbehaves
    If You’re an Angel
    How can we fault you
    When you’re walking on water
    When you’re dancing on graves

    You give your name to the papers
    Tell ‘em never to quote you
    And you wonder
    And you wonder
    Why you bother at all
    You give a look to the neighbors
    Tell ‘em never approach you
    Take a number
    Take a number
    Such incredible gall

    You throw a spell at the people who want you
    You never tell them you’re made out of stone
    And no matter the hurt
    You know they’ll never desert you
    Still you wonder why you’re still alone

    If you’re an angel
    Let’s see your halo
    Let’s see the shining light
    That everybody craves
    If you’re an angel
    We will avert our eyes
    When you’re walking on water
    When you’re dancing on graves

    You open up your eyes
    You open up your hands
    You open up their souls
    They hope to learn from it
    You open up your heart
    You open up your arms
    You open up the floor
    And let them plummet

    If you’re an angel
    Let’s see your halo
    Let’s see the joie de vivre
    That makes them all your slaves
    If you’re an angel
    Will you protect us
    When you’re walking on water
    When you’re dancing on graves

    Available on I Am Joe's Eyes and Primal Urges

  • In It For The Children [Uncle Bonsai]

    Sometimes at night
    We almost speak
    We almost speak
    In friendly terms
    Sometimes at night
    Sometimes at night
    We go to sleep
    We go to sleep
    In separate beds
    Sometimes at night
    Sometimes at night

    We take our places at the table
    In the morning with the family
    And our faces are as innocent as lambs’

    Sometimes at night
    When no one’s there
    When no one’s there
    We lose our minds
    Sometimes at night
    Sometimes at night

    We leave our problems in the bedroom
    At the office, when the family’s gone
    And our obligations lead us to the grave

    We’re only in it
    We’re only in it
    We’re only in it for the children
    We’re only in it
    We’re only in it
    We’re only in it for the children

    Sometimes at night
    We speak our minds
    We speak our minds
    And no one hears
    Sometimes at night
    Sometimes at night
    We watch the tube
    We watch the tube
    And curse our fate
    Sometimes at night
    Sometimes at night

    We never give in to temptation
    Never striking when the family’s there
    ‘Cause we live in constant fear
    That we’ll be seen

    We’re only in it
    We’re only in it
    We’re only in it for the children
    We’re only in it
    We’re only in it
    We’re only in it for the children

    We’ll take the family on vacation
    When we think we need a change
    And we’ll cease the accusations with a smile
    There’ll be no reconciliation
    When the kids are out of range
    And we’ll lose the affectations for a while

    Sometimes at night
    We grit our teeth
    We grit our teeth
    And try to dream
    Sometimes at night
    Sometimes at night
    We spare the rod
    We spare the rod
    To spoil our lives
    Sometimes at night
    Sometimes at night

    We know exactly what we’re doing
    And we’ll hide it from the family fare
    And we’ll act like nothing’s wrong
    Until they’re gone

    We’re only in it
    We’re only in it
    We’re only in it for the children
    We’re only in it
    We’re only in it
    We’re only in it for the children

    Available on Boys Want Sex in the Morning and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • In The End [Uncle Bonsai]

    As I get farther from the middle
    And I think I see a way out
    There’s a world of indecision
    That I’m waiting to explore
    If love’s the oldest riddle
    Then I know how this will play out
    I will second guess my vision
    As I look for something more

    I don’t get much attention
    Though I used to have a future
    That I knew that you’d take with you
    ‘Cause that’s usually what you do
    But did I forget to mention
    As you fumbled with each suture
    That I really don’t remember
    If you left me or I left you

    And so I’m older and I’m wiser, mostly older
    And the mirror no longer seems to be my friend
    And I think it might be too late for do-overs
    And I wonder who will love me in the end

    There’s a tiny piece of thread there
    That I guess might be eternal
    But the ties that used to bind me
    Were bound to fray and snap
    I’ve been rolled up with this dead air
    With everything maternal
    And this shroud that has defined me
    I’m dying to unwrap

    And though I know the story isn’t so compelling
    And I was never very good at “let’s pretend”
    I guess it loses something in the telling
    And I wonder who will love me in the end

    And I blamed you for denying me
    I blamed you for the guilt
    I blamed you for the anger
    Tearing down the things we built
    And I blamed you for the loneliness
    I blamed you for the grief
    And I blamed you when I finally found
    A moment of relief

    It’s a bit of a commotion
    Losing all that you invested
    And I’d give back all those memories
    If that’s how I’d survive
    I’m at peace with my emotion
    Tempest tost and battle tested
    And I think I’m almost glad to see
    Another day arrive

    And though you never really get your fill of pleasure
    And you can give and give and give but never bend
    I believe I could be someone’s hidden treasure
    And I wonder who will love me in the end
    I will keep an open heart for extra measure
    And I wonder who will love me in the end

    Unreleased

  • Inevitable Clown [Uncle Bonsai]

    Father was always around
    Mother was always right there by his side
    Town after town after town
    So many people along for the ride
    And I’ve got a box in the back with the cousins and clothes
    I get to bond with the family, in between blows
    Its fine I suppose

    Sleep at some ungodly hour
    Dawn of the dead with the cows and the cold
    Wake with the squirt of a flower
    Funny is funny but that one gets old
    And I have such little feet, I have a regular nose
    I have a place in the sawdust where nobody goes
    And nobody knows

    Marilyn Munster of Mockingbird Lane
    I know your loneliness, I know your pain
    And I know what it’s like to grow up on the wrong side of town
    Marilyn Munster I’ve tried to fit in
    I’m stuck on a stage with no plates left to spin
    It’s only a day in the life of an inevitable clown

    Father kept swallowing swords
    Mother would swing on an elephant’s tail
    Talent has it’s own rewards
    I got to follow along with the pail
    And I know a man who can lift me with one of his toes
    I get to launder his loincloth in between shows
    That’s how it goes

    Marilyn Munster come down from my wall
    How come we can’t run away from it all
    I know how it feels way up high, still afraid to look down
    Marilyn Munster the scenery sucks
    So I sit like a swan in a room full of ducks
    It’s only a day in the life of an inevitable clown

    And mother could shave if she wanted to shave
    And father could pull up his pants
    I could get out of this poodle parade
    But I never learned how to dance
    I’m biding my time with the lions and tigers
    And Bobo the bike-riding bear
    Shilling for showman, but I know that no one
    Would notice if I wasn’t there
    ‘Cause I was the knife-throwing act who kept missing her throws
    Stuck on a trike I would strike a ridiculous pose
    Like one of the pros

    Marilyn Munster each day is the same
    How do we get off of Mockingbird Lane
    When the car is so tiny and everyone’s clowning around
    Marilyn Munster now everyone knows
    That I’m cut from the cloth of more casual clothes
    Still I know how to saddle the seals so they keep me around
    But I’ve fallen so far I’m afraid no one’s noticed the sound
    And it’s only a day in the life of an inevitable clown

    Unreleased

  • The Iowa Apology Song [Uncle Bonsai]

    Ames has got the Hilton Coliseum
    Cedar Rapids has an art museum
    The Blank Park Zoo is full
    Of friendly animals
    I doesn’t cost a lot to go and see ‘em

    Herbert Hoover came from Iowa
    John Wayne also came from Iowa
    A giant sign in Corning
    Says Carson comes from Corning
    He helped them build a brand new cinema

    Oh Gopher, made his way to Congress
    Gopher seemed so honest
    Gopher really cared
    Don’t you know that
    Gopher, spurned the Hollywood Hills
    Now he works for Goodwill
    He’s a millionaire

    West Bend has a rich and varied past
    The Grotto and Sod House are unsurpassed
    If you go to Johnston you’ll
    Find the Camp Dodge swimming pool
    And you can see it as you motor past
    Next time through I’ll stop for more than gas

    Available on Apology

  • Isaac’s Lament [Uncle Bonsai]

    He walks over to the window
    And without a hesitation he goes out
    I walk over to the window
    And I see him hit the sidewalk like a trout
    With a moment’s indecision
    I can almost see him moving
    Then I see the splattered pavement
    And I feel it’s almost soothing
    ‘Cause I know he didn’t suffer
    Any more than was the norm
    He lived life the way he found it
    And he left it true to form

    He was standing by the TV
    When I saw his eyes roll upward in his head
    I came over to the TV
    Just to find out what the anchorman had said
    With a little human interest
    And some filler for the waiting
    They were speaking of replacements
    And a failure in the ratings
    And my friend looked pale then paler
    As his body lost his breath
    And I listened and discovered
    What would send him to his death

    Oh Gopher, Gopher’s being fired
    Contracts have expired
    Love has been retired
    Buried out at sea

    Every afternoon in college
    He’d sit down and pour himself another brew
    Just as soon forsake his knowledge
    For an hour’s entertainment with the crew
    With a tub of buttered popcorn
    And a can or two of soda
    He gets sucked into the program
    Like he has to make some quota
    ‘Cause he knows what’s gonna happen
    ‘Cause he’s seen them all before
    And the endless double takes
    Just make him want it even more

    Oh Isaac, Isaac’s over tired
    Julie’s been unhired
    Love is uninspired
    Sinking in the bay
    The Love Boat
    Love Boat’s dropped it’s anchor
    Bought out by some banker
    Hired out as a tanker
    Drifting far away

    Oh Aaron Spelling you’re a genius
    No one could have seen this
    Running all these years
    (Won’t you tell us)
    Aaron, where’d you get the notion
    Love upon the ocean
    Blazing new frontiers

    When he heard the sad decision
    There was sorrow and confusion in the home
    He turned off the television
    And he came to his conclusion on his own
    With a sigh of desperation
    He gave in to his depression
    He went out to greet the concrete
    Where he made his last impression
    And the papers want a statement
    ‘Cause the public wants to know
    Was it just the cancellation
    Of a favorite TV show

    The Love Boat
    Love Boat’s slowly sinking
    Vicki’s started thinking
    Merrill has been drinking
    One more for the road
    The Love Boat
    Love Boat has been grounded
    Doc is still dumbfounded
    All aboard’s been sounded
    No where left to go

    Available on Boys Want Sex in the Morning and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • Isn’t It Sad [Electric Bonsai Band]

    They must have loved each other once
    Although it’s hard to know for sure
    ‘Cause there were strangers in their eyes
    And there were lovers at the door

    Isn’t it sad
    Isn’t it so, so, sad
    They want each other madly
    That’s just too bad

    She was the woman of his dreams
    He was her prince in shiny white
    But there were skeletons in closets
    There were secrets out of sight
    Isn’t it sad
    Isn’t it so, so, sad
    They want each other madly
    That’s just too bad

    And no one would believe it
    If they’d seen it with their eyes
    How they cover up old promises
    With brand new alibis
    Isn’t it sad

    Now there’s a husband in the basement
    There’s a wife who lives upstairs
    And there’s a lawyer in the kitchen
    There to sort out the affairs
    Isn’t it sad
    Isn’t it so, so, sad
    They want each other madly
    That’s just too bad

    Available on But I'm Happy Now

  • It Starts With A Boat [Uncle Bonsai]

    It starts with a boat
    There’s always a boat
    It starts with a suitcase, a brown pair of shoes
    And an old overcoat
    No family behind
    No family ahead
    We move on with the clothes on our backs
    And the hats on our heads

    It’s starts with a boat
    There’s always a boat
    It starts with a leap, a spot on a map
    And a handwritten note
    A silent goodbye
    All eyes to the sea
    We will throw ourselves into the world
    And a new history

    We’ve been wandering thousands of years and we’re wandering still
    We will challenge the darkness with faith, take our lives in our hands
    We will always remember the past and that ignorance kills
    And like veins on a leaf we will spread ourselves over the land

    It starts with a boat
    There’s always a boat
    It starts with a prayer, a family to save
    And a knot in the throat
    A family adrift
    A family afloat
    There’s no telling where it will end
    But it starts with a boat

    Unreleased


  • J

  • JFK [Mel Cooleys]

    I don’t remember JFK
    Or when the Beatles came to Shea
    You said you did the twist
    You said it went like this
    I don’t remember yesterday

    You used to cruise to pick up chicks
    You said you travelled 66
    I think that sounds just great
    I’ll take the interstate
    I don’t need cars to get my kicks

    Do you remember golden oldies
    Before they were golden oldies
    Or Dick Clark before he started looking.......young
    Do you remember Frankie Avalon
    The way he led the rabble on
    But never thought to give Annette the tongue

    You cried when Groucho told a joke
    And loved the way that Bogart spoke
    I know just how you feel
    They always seem so real
    I see them selling diet coke

    Do you remember 1966
    When you discovered politics
    And everybody marched against the war
    You hippies and you heretics
    You ended up with Tricky Dick
    They don’t come like that one any more

    I know that Elvis was your king
    And that you loved the way he’d sing
    I know that’s what you said
    To me he’s fat and dead
    I don’t remember anything

    Can convince me you’ve forgotten
    Puca shells and big bell bottoms
    Saying things like feeling groovy and far out
    Do you remember saying Daddy-o
    And girls who dressed like Jackie-O
    Can you tell me what that’s all about

    I don’t remember JFK
    I heard some pigs were in some bay
    I think that sounds so neat
    Too bad I don’t eat meat
    I don’t remember yesterday

    Available on The Winter Concert

  • Johnny, It’s Downhill From Here [Uncle Bonsai]

    Most likely to succeed
    President and sweater man
    There for all to see
    Drama prince and letter man
    Babes around your feet
    Sweetest talking candy man
    Always on the beat
    Errand boy and handy man
    Social servant, cub reporter
    Hot dog served with sparkling water

    Everything old hat
    Known to all the local faces
    Every time at bat
    Hitting for the extra bases
    Babes around the pool
    Ray Ban strutting perfect tanner
    Precious local jewel
    Six ball juggling social planner
    Fastest strumming, hardest worker
    Up and coming soda jerker

    But Johnny, it’s downhill from here
    Don’t you know the world was at your feet
    But now they’re gone
    And it’s suddenly clear
    Everything you do goes wrong
    Won’t you tell me what became of the fiery passion
    What happened to the eyes of ice blue steel
    Tell me that you’re not afraid to learn to feel

    Waiting in the wings
    Everything so out of reach
    Nothing ever clings
    No can do and no can teach
    Girls are seldom seen
    Only with the beg and borrow
    All the breaks are clean
    Here today and gone tomorrow
    Loathsome lover, lonesome loser
    Soapbox critic, social boozer

    But Johnny, it’s downhill from here
    Don’t you see you’re acting like the
    Once and future king
    But there’s nobody here
    And you can’t do anything
    Won’t you tell me what became of the days of glory
    What happened to the masses at your side
    Tell me that you’ve found another place to hide

    And Johnny I know it used to be so easy
    Everything you wanted was in hand
    All that blind ambition
    Only lacked the ammunition
    To make everyone around you understand

    That Johnny, it’s downhill from here
    Don’t you see your trigger finger’s
    Waiting for the call
    And you’re showing the fear
    Knowing that you’re sure to fall

    Won’t you tell me what became
    Of the fire and thunder
    What happened to the smile and timeless wit
    Tell me what it takes to crawl from under
    Show me that you’ve learned to handle it
    Does anything remain of the local hero
    Does anyone remember the high school cheer
    Tell me that you’re not afraid to disappear
    ‘Cause Johnny, it’s downhill from here

    Available on A Lonely Grain of Corn and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • Julie Andrews [Uncle Bonsai]

    High on a mountain side
    Somewhere in Austria
    Maybe it’s Switzerland
    It’s hard to say

    I see the woman
    She runs through the meadow
    She’s crying in anguish
    She’s turning away

    Oh God...oh...oh...God

    I think it’s Julie Andrews
    Julie...Julie Andrews

    Maybe we should call somebody
    Maybe we should put her out of her misery

    Julie…Julie…Julie…Julie…

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn

  • Just One Angel [Electric Bonsai Band/Uncle Bonsai]

    Every Sunday God wakes up
    To everybody’s problems
    All those voices asking for forgiveness
    Half asleep he waves his hand
    To quickly mass absolve them
    Wondering why he constantly relives this
    I don’t want to take that time away
    From someone who might really need
    A sign from God that day

    Angel Michael on his knees
    Trying to find the time to help us
    I don’t need such expertise
    I could never be that selfish
    Isn’t there a minor angel
    Not an angel one might miss
    I can talk to, I can turn to
    There to handle this

    Sunday morning in the choir
    I’m the one who’s singing off key
    By my bedside in the darkness
    I will say my prayers so softly
    Isn’t there a lonely angel
    Not an angel fully booked
    I can call on, I can sing to
    Someone overlooked

    Just one angel
    Just one angel
    Angel only I can see
    Just one angel
    Just one angel
    Watching over me

    Sometimes when my heart is full
    It makes me feel a bit frenetic
    Fallen angel takes the bullet
    Wouldn’t that be so poetic
    Isn’t there a private angel
    Unremembered, underused
    Second angel, No one’s angel
    Someone God excused

    Just one angel
    Just one angel
    Angel only I can see
    Just one angel
    Just one angel
    Watching over me

    All those days and nights
    God slaved to give us creature comforts
    Why would we have free will
    If he thought we’d always call
    Maybe it’s a lack of sleep
    That keeps him feeling vengeful
    Maybe he’d be sweet and soft
    If he could have his Sundays off

    Just one angel
    Just one angel
    Angel only I can see
    Just one angel
    Just one angel
    Watching over me

    Available on "Apology (Ashley)," "Primal Urges (Andrew)," "The Winter Concert (Andrew)," and "Just One Angel (Hilary Field)"

    K

  • K-Mart [Uncle Bonsai]

    You found the road to heaven
    No matter which direction
    Across the intersection
    You feel the open door
    You got a nose for stores
    Here in a town that shares
    And everybody stares
    At everyone who cares about the shopping wars

    The bible belt pulls tighter
    Or it’s the flat-land fever
    That makes a true believer
    Out of a child wife
    Who seems to love her life
    She keeps her man alive
    By having what it takes
    To carve a man-sized steak with just a butter knife

    And any back yard preacher with a barbecue
    Can show the shortest route with just one hand
    So every Sunday fool who strayed from Sunday school
    To clean his swimming pool could understand

    That it’s a common future
    The calm before the storming
    The lines are always forming
    The signs are always clear
    There’s not a trace of fear
    If there’s a blue light blinking
    The parish pawns aren’t thinking
    They’ve replaced the cleric with generic beer

    We’re all the same, we’ve all be planned
    From coast to coast we like to boast
    There is most certainly a K-Mart close at hand
    We make a stand, live day to day
    And if we need another stray part
    There will surely be a K-Mart on the way

    And there are school yard dealers
    In towns the maps forgot
    You place a call and psychic healers
    Put out all their psychic feelers in the parking lot
    And when the pavement’s hot
    If you can hitch a ride
    You go to buy ad infinitum
    Touch and try out every item just to stay inside

    And any loser with a licence
    And boozer with a cause
    Will be anything but lost
    Every town is just the same
    It it’s Broadway or it’s First Street
    Or it’s Main Street or it’s Church Street
    The only thing that’s different is the name

    We live forever, we get to play
    It is our destiny that calls
    In Texas twangs and southern drawls
    And when they tear apart the malls the K-Marts stay
    We foot the bills, we show no fear
    And when more settlers come our way
    Start making plans for extra K-Marts over here

    And the churches were all empty
    And the city streets were cleared with all God’s speed
    For the Lord will lead all humans
    To the store where all consumers go to feed
    He’ll take the stranded from their driveways
    Down the endless business highways
    On the path of least resistance
    To the neon in the distance

    K-Mart, K-Mart, K-Mart

    You’ve got that TV smile
    You saved another dollar
    Another brand name scholar who’s got a box of wine
    You read between the lines
    You made it through the aisles
    Until the bargains stop
    You’ll take the cart and shop right up to closing time


    We aim to please, we never stray
    From start to end we recommend
    That everybody learn to spend the K-Mart way
    We’ve got our pride, we’re well defined
    And when it comes the time to pay
    Smart people head for any K-Mart they can find

    We’ve seen the light, we’re not alone
    And any star that’s half awake
    Jumps in the car and goes to make the K-Mart home
    We’ve on our knees, we’re well behaved
    And when it comes to judgement day
    Smart people know that all the K-Marts will be saved

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn

  • Keep Your Insides On The Inside [Uncle Bonsai]

    You’ve got such a pretty face
    Right there on your face
    Such a perfect place
    To keep it ‘til you’re older
    Pasted on your head
    Where it can be fed
    Such a perfect head
    Perched upon your shoulder

    Every freckle, every pore
    Every hole that you explore
    All the parts that you adore
    Are wasted on the surface
    And important as they are
    They’re really not the star
    Looks can get you far
    But they don’t serve a special purpose

    So you’re gonna grow some hair
    Over there and over there
    And even some down there
    In all the places you can’t fathom
    And though hairs may come and go
    Or never even grow
    Deep inside you know
    It’s not important where you have ‘em

    Every wrinkle, every wart
    Is just something to report
    Looks may be important
    Though you shouldn’t really flaunt ‘em
    As you work your way on in
    Through the thick and thin
    Skin is only skin deep
    But it keeps things where you want ‘em

    Keep your insides on the inside
    This could be my best advice
    Keep your head and don’t forget
    That blood works better out of sight
    Keep your insides on the inside
    That’s where the important pieces stay

    You’ve got really lovely glands
    Extraordinary glands
    They keep up with demands
    They’re so exciting and exquisite
    Still I leave it in your hands
    No matter what your plans
    The Isles of Langerhans are isles
    You wouldn’t want to visit

    ‘Cause your kidney and your spleen
    Are seldom really seen
    Still you try to keep ‘em clean
    And tucked away just where you found ‘em
    Deep inside your chest
    Where they can’t protest
    The inner works work best
    When all the outer stuff’s around them

    Keep your insides on the inside
    Leave your arteries alone
    Hold your tongue ‘cause bowels run
    Like clockwork when they’re on their own
    So keep your insides on the inside
    Don’t let any pieces stray
    Inside things should stay that way

    ‘Cause though your freckles may be cute
    You’ll hate them in the future
    And the hair that we once spoke of
    Will recoil then recede
    All the stuff that comes unstuffed
    Can be contained with just a suture
    And the parts you lose along the way
    You probably didn’t need

    Keep your insides on the insides
    Other options seem so bleak
    It’s worth your while
    To show your smile
    But keep the bile way down deep
    And keep your insides on the inside
    Save your insides for a rainy day

    Unreleased

  • The King Of Love [Electric Bonsai Band/Mel Cooleys]

    All the girls
    Say it’s no disgrace
    Meeting face to face
    With the man who sets the pace
    And the girls
    Line up on the wall
    At the beck and call
    Of the man who’s got it all
    And everyone who’s had the pleasure
    Knows the passionate things you do
    Every girl who’s crashed the party
    Knows how much you think of you

    All the boys
    Searching for a date
    Watch you throw your weight
    (So much there to hate)
    And the boys
    Seem to know the score
    Been through this before
    Hate you even more
    Every action brings reaction
    Every passion thrashes through
    Every girl who’s crashed and burned
    Has learned to keep her eye on you

    ’Cause you could be the prince of darkness
    You could be the prince of pain
    You could be the king of fools
    Who pulls the women back again
    You could be the prince in white
    That every girl’s been dreaming of
    You must be the king of love

    All the girls
    Like to watch you dance
    Waiting for the chance
    For their big romance
    And the boys
    Never make a sound
    Have to wait around
    For the big rebound
    Every girl who’s soaring higher
    Every girl who’s bursting through
    Every girl who’s crashed to earth
    Has learned what passion’s worth to you

    You could be the prince of darkness
    You could be the prince of pain
    You could be the king of fools
    Who pulls the women back again
    You could be the prince in white
    That every girl’s been dreaming of
    You must be the king of love

    All that primping, All that preening
    All that prowess, All that praise
    Love so limp, Love careening
    Love’s a pasture lovers graze
    Love that’s rough, Love that hovers
    Love that covers everything
    All that love, All those lovers
    Love to make the man the king

    You could be the prince of darkness
    You could be the prince of pain
    You could be the king of hearts
    Who starts the women back again
    You could be the king of kings
    Who worships women from above
    You must be the king of love

    Additional Music by Robert Puff | Available on But I'm Happy Now


  • L

  • Learning to Breathe [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Learning to breathe under water
    Floating would surely mean death
    Saving my bones
    From the piles of stones on the steps
    Watching their sons and their daughters
    Curious and cautious and clean
    Mourning young lovers
    On covers of news magazines

    Learning to walk, learning to run
    Learning to take what I’ve come to receive
    Under the wire, under the gun
    Learning to breathe

    All of this ice on the river
    Presses me onwards towards Spring
    Lost in whatever
    A change in the weather might bring
    Waiting for God to deliver
    Ashes to ashes I go
    Looking for traces
    Of faces that I used to know

    Learning to walk, learning to run
    Learning to hate what I’ve come to believe
    Under the wire, under the gun
    Learning to breathe

    Let me go down to the ocean
    Wash away all of this fear
    Face the affliction
    In every predictable tear
    Maybe some magical potion
    Can save me from all of this skin
    Let me reach out
    So that somebody out might reach in

    Learning to walk, learning to run
    Learning that faith isn’t all it should be
    Everything dies
    Under the sun
    But I’m learning to breathe

    Available on Lounging in the Belly of the Beast and "The Winter Concert (Live)"

  • Leave Me [Mel Cooleys]

    A rose is just a rose is just a rose
    A simple lie that everybody knows
    But even filled with poetry and prose
    You could be a wolf in sheepish clothes
    There’s an explanation I suppose
    How the love you came with comes and goes
    That even as your precious antler grows
    You’re keeping one eye out for other does

    Sometimes I start out believing men
    Then right before my very eyes
    Somehow I’m on the receiving end
    Of some inconceivable lies

    And a lie is just a lie is just a lie
    And here in our cocoon they flutter by
    ’Cause even underneath the naked eye
    A gypsy moth is not a butterfly

    If you want to please me, please be gone
    You are not the favorite thing I’ve done
    You’d be so much better on your own
    If you’re gonna leave me, leave me alone

    A rose is just a rose is just a rose
    Even when the perfect petals close
    All the crumpled color never shows
    Trampled underneath your careless toes

    Sometimes I start out by running ‘round
    With manly men with manly poise
    But somehow I end up a dumping ground
    For uninspired little boys

    If you want to please me, please be gone
    You’ve got all these choices, slim and none
    Why not throw another girl a bone
    If you’re gonna leave me, leave me alone

    Maybe for the final word
    I’ll try to be more delicate
    I only want to help the next in line
    What’s the final damage worth
    I figured, for the hell of it
    That you could be the only man on earth
    And I’d be celibate

    A rose is just a rose is just a rose
    But even when it’s right beneath your nose
    There’s a kind of odor that just flows
    When the rose is in it’s dying throes
    You were just another one of those
    Tossing women off like dominoes
    And even as I learned to love that rose
    Everything in life can decompose

    Available on Live(?) In Seattle

  • Let’s Pretend We Never Met [Uncle Bonsai]

    Let’s pretend we never met
    Maybe I had missed my plane
    Maybe you forgot your keys
    And so you missed the morning train
    And so that sunny afternoon in Herald Square
    Neither you nor I had made it there

    And let’s take it one step further
    For the sake of argument
    Maybe someone else was passing by
    And heard your compliment
    And so flattered at the way you turned a phrase
    Both of you went off to share your days

    Now, I know that isn’t possible
    I’m just trying to explain
    That if you had lost your keys
    And I had missed the morning train
    Maybe someone else would be my mate
    Someone who does not believe in fate

    Stay with me for this next part
    Let’s pretend you couldn’t see
    What I think I hear you saying
    Is you’d find your way to me
    With nothing like desire or diligence
    But something like a sixth or seventh sense

    It’s another sign of wanting things too easy
    It’s like eating food off someone else’s plate
    Put a man who doesn’t worry
    With a woman who can’t wait
    There’s your perfect recipe for fate

    Maybe that’s a bad example
    Maybe none of this is true
    But if I understand your point
    It doesn’t matter what I do
    I could leave you but I might as well just stay
    ‘Cause I can’t really leave you anyway

    For the ones who shy away from exploration
    Or find it just too hard to concentrate
    Mix the cowardice of pining
    With the curtness of debate
    There’s your perfect recipe for fate

    If you think it doesn’t matter,
    That it’s all some grand design
    And that where and when
    Are neither here nor there
    Some butterfly just flaps its wings
    And suddenly you’re mine
    That seems even farther fetched than prayer

    ‘Cause if I wasn’t meant to be there
    Of if you were somewhere else
    If I was someone taller
    If you weren’t quite yourself
    Don’t you think we’d find a way we could relate
    That wasn’t just your simple twist of fate
    Maybe we would need a second date
    If we didn’t leave it up to fate
    Don’t you think that we would truly hate
    To think that we’re in love because of fate

    Unreleased

  • Little Skipper [Mel Cooleys]

    Little Skipper’s got a brand new boyfriend
    Found him out in aisle number two
    Stuck between the scrabble and the twister
    All dressed up with nothing else to do
    And Barbie’s tryin’ to keep from feeling jealous
    Little sister’s got an older man
    Comes to town with action-packed accessaries
    To teach her to be flexible and stand

    Little Skipper’s got a brand new boyfriend
    Showed up on the shelf like some mirage
    Ready for a sun ‘n fun adventure
    With tons of khaki green and camouflage
    And Barbie never had her choice of fellas
    Now Skipper’s moving up from boys to men
    Found a muscle-mannikin to relish
    Someone who could rip the arms off Ken

    GI Joe’s got shore leave
    And Joe’s got cash to spare
    Joe brings pearls from foreign worlds
    For girls with plastic hair
    GI Joe’s got shore leave
    And Joe’s got friends in town
    Joe’s got glands and moving hands
    And plans to settle down

    Little Skipper’s got a brand new boyfriend
    She keeps an extra six-pack in the fridge
    Stole the keys to Barbie’s Country Camper
    To hit the beach with Alan, Joe and Midge
    And Barbie’s always dreamed of being rebellious
    But doesn’t have the heart to break the mold
    Little sister’s sending off the soldiers
    She has no reputation to uphold

    GI Joe’s got shore leave
    And Joe spares no expense
    Joe wants girls with painted curls
    And worlds of fashion sense
    GI Joe’s got shore leave
    He’s got an itch to scratch
    GI Joe’s got girls who pose
    In clothes that always match

    And Skipper wants to dress herself in leather
    But Skipper needs assistance to unzip
    Joe is armed and ready, willing, able
    With his trusty hand-grenade and kung-fu grip

    Little Skipper’s got a brand new boyfriend
    Found him out in aisle number two
    Tucked between the twister and the scrabble
    All dressed up to head to Malibu
    And Barbie’s got a lot of things to tell her
    But little Skipper doesn’t have the time
    Little sister’s got a brand new boyfriend
    She’s leaving all the other dolls behind

    Available on Live(?) In Seattle

  • Living In A Small Room [Mel Cooleys]

    Don’t go out
    Don’t go outside
    Someone’s always lurking
    Outside
    Something isn’t working
    You can find me inside
    Inside I bloom...

    Don’t make friends
    Friends are outside
    Something’s always burning
    Outside
    This is what I’m learning
    My concerns are inside
    Living in a small room

    Don’t need work
    Why be less than I can be
    Don’t want work
    Work is far too hard for me
    Why, the very thought of leaving
    Makes my skin cold and white
    I can stay here in the corner
    In artificial light
    Keep the public out of my cocoon
    Living in a small room

    So take my mail and take my laundry
    Bring me food and bring me news
    Keep my things, keep my money
    And on Sundays I can see the views
    Sundays I can see the pews
    Looking full but still alone
    Like a person in a home
    Like a flower in a tomb
    Living in a small room
    Living in a small room

    Don’t need love
    Love stays outside
    Love is always drowning
    Outside
    Something’s always pounding
    I’ll be found inside
    In my small room

    Don’t need air
    Air is just where it begins
    Don’t want air
    Air that’s thinner than my skin
    And the day that I surrender
    With my spirit intact
    I will want to be remembered
    For this singular act
    I could always sense impending doom
    Living in a small room

    So take my mail and take my laundry
    Bring me food and bring me news
    Keep my things, keep my money
    There’s a phone that I can always use
    There’s a freedom I can never lose
    Like a child on a throne
    Like a flower in a poem
    Like a prisoner in a womb
    Living in a small room

    Don’t go out
    Don’t go outside
    Someone’s always driven
    Outside
    You can go on living
    I’ll stay here inside
    Living in a small room

    Unreleased

  • Lounging in the Belly of the Beast [Electric Bonsai Band]

    I am older than my parents
    When I first thought they were old
    I am weaker than the weakest kids I teased
    I am keeping up appearances
    I’m falling from the fold
    I am suffering from some middle-aged disease

    I am tired to distraction
    I am wired to the bed
    I’m a part of the machinery I use
    I am old and out of action
    I am fat and over fed
    And I’m waiting for some disappointing news

    I am greater than the pieces
    I am smaller than the whole
    I am less and less for wear to say the least
    I am scrounging through the creases
    For an old remote control
    I am lounging in the belly of the beast

    I am lost in these commercials
    I am plastered on these walls
    I am missing too much sleep to make a scene
    I am wrestling with inertia
    I am resting on my laurels
    And I’m testing all my waters in between

    I am folded up and fallow
    I am cold and undefined
    I am molding this expression on my face
    I’m a little short of shallow
    I’m a coward by design
    And I’m taking up an awful lot of space

    I am greater than the pieces
    I am smaller than the whole
    I am less and less for wear to say the least
    I am scrounging through the creases
    For an old remote control
    I am lounging in the belly of the beast

    I am learning by attrition
    I am trying to resist
    I’m avoiding indecision
    I am always making lists
    I’m unsung and unexciting
    I am sliding into slaughter
    I’m not even writing
    I’m just putting words in order

    I am whining on the surface
    I am whining underneath
    I’m a window on a soul that isn’t there
    I am dying for a purpose
    I am lying through my teeth
    And I’m trying to remember if I care

    I am greater than the pieces
    I am smaller than the whole
    I am wondering will the wonders ever cease
    As the sound of me increases
    I’ll be found here in this hole
    I am lounging in the belly of the beast

    Available on Lounging in the Belly of the Beast and Primal Urges

  • Loving Tommy* [Uncle Bonsai]

    If you loved Tommy
    Really loved him
    You might enjoy
    Samuel and Owen
    Folks who liked
    Owen and Sammy agree
    They started out first loving Tommy
    If Sammy and Owen
    Suit you to a T
    Then move on to Horace
    Bobby and Lee
    Folks who liked Bobby and Horace agree
    They started out first loving Tommy

    I was sorry to hear that forever was not quite forever
    But that doesn’t mean that the love has to end
    You successfully loved you can love once again
    And you’re likely to love some of ex-Tommy’s friends

    ‘Cause if you loved Tommy
    Really loved him
    You might try a sampler of
    Charlie and Simon
    Folks who liked
    Simon and Charlie agree
    They started out first loving Tommy
    If Charlie and Simon
    Suit you to a T
    They’re better when bundled with
    Bert, Bill and Steve
    Folks who liked Billy and Bertrand agree
    They started out first loving Tommy

    I was sorry to hear that you fear that your time here was wasted
    That you should have stuck with your Timmies instead
    But all of the brave work you did here with Tommy
    Will serve you quite well with the Tommy’s ahead

    So if you loved Tommy
    Really loved him
    You might try a soupcon of
    Guillome and Henri
    Folks who liked
    Henri and Guy (gee) agree
    They started out
    First loving Tommy

    60 percent of us went out with morris
    And 20 percent chose to hook up with Hank
    4 out of 5 reviewers agree
    That one out of five doesn’t know anything

    ‘Cause if you loved Tommy
    Really loved him
    Don’t you think Tommy
    Would really like Beth
    Men who loved you
    Seemed to always agree
    That Beth was the next one for Tommy
    And if Beth was the next one
    And perfect like you
    Then what about Doris
    Or Stacy or Sue
    Folks who like Susan, or Stacy, or You
    Seem to find favor with Tommy
    Might be the flavor for Tommy
    They’re finding their hearts loving Tommy
    Everyone starts, loving Tommy

    Words: Arni Adler/Andrew Ratshin | Music: Andrew Ratshin
    Available on The Grim Parade

  • Lullaby [Mel Cooleys]

    Darling you should know by now
    That if everything should end tonight
    We would still come through somehow
    With a head full of flavors and a handful of light
    And the voices that are singing inside us
    Will provide us with the faith to go on
    And they’ll bind us together and guide us
    Through the dark of the dawn

    Darling you should know by now
    That our souls will never quite be still
    We’ll stay heart to heart somehow
    With the sleep of the angels
    And the strength of our will
    And the voices that are singing around us
    Will surround us with the words we inspire
    And they’ll drown us together
    With sounds of our death and desire

    And the voices that are singing behind us
    Will remind us of the time at the start
    “To love and to honor and cherish ‘til death do us part“
    And keep us together forever with love in our hearts

    Available on Live(?) In Seattle

  • Lunchtime Boredom [Uncle Bonsai]

    Lunchtime boredom, bad breath salesman
    Lost his timing and commission
    Reaching out without permission
    To fill my glass
    From part-way full
    To almost full

    Cheese and crackers, business babble
    Lost my interest and my patience
    Through the stilted conversation
    To watch my ass
    And when I stood
    To watch it good

    He asked to see me again
    And I just couldn’t respond
    And so I thought it would end
    If we could just move along
    It seems he had to persist
    It was a masculine thing
    And he would cease to exist
    Without that masculine thing

    Lunchtime meeting, heavy breather
    Lost his sense of true discretion
    Every look a true suggestion
    To take me home
    To bed me down without a sound

    He asked if I was inclined
    To have a follow-up call
    And even though I declined
    I knew he’d call after all
    ‘Cause he just had to insist
    It was this masculine thing
    And he would cease to exist
    Without his masculine thing

    Lose my number, won’t you lose my number
    My friends forget me, why can’t you forget me
    I’m not buying won’t you please stop trying
    Try and treat me like you never met me
    I could vanish if you let me

    He was a typical guy
    He knew he just couldn’t win
    But wouldn’t say his good byes
    ‘Til he was under my skin
    ‘Cause he just couldn’t resist
    It was a masculine thing
    And he would cease to exist
    Without that masculine thing

    Lunchtime boredom, bad breath salesman
    Lost his timing and commission

    Unreleased


  • M

  • Making Fun Of Foreigners [Uncle Bonsai]

    Sometimes there’s a morning
    When the streets are almost silent
    I walk slowly, I walk slow
    And with nowhere left to go
    I head out without protection
    Just to try to make connection with the flow

    There streets are always pretty
    And I like to hit the city
    And go window shopping, I go window shopping
    And the streets are always empty
    And I’m never even tempted
    When I’m window shopping
    And the stores are never open
    And the folks are walking blind
    And I’ve come to know the neighborhood
    I’ll never leave behind

    Oh I never feel the danger
    When I come across a stranger
    If he’s twice my size, then he’s twice my size
    And I’ll ask for a direction
    Just to see my own reflection
    In his sleepy eyes
    There’s a wind that blows the papers
    There’s a pile at my feet
    It’s an early morning barrier
    To anyone I meet

    You can join me in the darkness
    You can watch me from the car
    There’s a lot of peace and quiet in the air tonight
    And we’ll be making fun
    Making fun of foreigners

    There’s a lot of time for dreaming
    When the sidewalk isn’t teaming
    And I’m window shopping, I go window shopping
    And the discount stores are warring
    And the gutter men are snoring
    And I think of stopping, but I’m window shopping
    There’s a lot of secret pleasure
    When a stranger takes a dive
    And the traffic turns the corner
    And the city comes alive

    And the misery love company
    And the tempers sometimes flare
    You can see the troubled faces in the morning light
    You can follow close behind me
    We can travel half awake
    And we’ll be making fun
    Making fun of foreigners

    I can lose myself in street lamps
    They’ve been swallowed by the twilight
    And I look the strangers right between the eyes
    I’ve got nothing else to do when I’m alone
    All these wonderful distractions right at home

    Sometimes there’s a morning
    When the streets are almost silent
    I walk slowly, I walk slow
    And with nowhere else to go
    I head back with no direction
    Having made a new connection with the flow
    Making fun, making fun of foreigners

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn

  • Me and Mrs. Middle America [Uncle Bonsai]

    We go to the bank
    We run to the cleaners
    We hop on a bus
    It takes us back home
    We set out the plates
    We get out the dinners
    We’re making a fuss
    We’re making it warm

    We loosen a tie
    We mix a martini
    We say our goodnights
    Tuck everyone in
    We crawl into bed
    We shut off the TV
    We’re closing our eyes
    We’re dreaming of sin

    Me and Mrs. Middle America
    Separate sleepers on separate sides
    Me and Mrs. Middle America
    Middle American husbands and wives

    We wake up the kids
    We make up the breakfast
    The family sits
    It’s family time
    We mix up the Tang
    We pick out the doughnuts
    We shake up the kids
    They’re running behind

    Me and Mrs. Middle America
    Beaming at babies for most of our lives
    Me and Mrs. Middle America
    Middle American husbands and wives

    What’s the agenda for me and the Mrs.
    Just passionate kisses and passive restraints
    It’s so delicious the way that the Mrs.
    Dismisses her worries and hides her complaints
    I like the Mrs. at family Christmas
    When family dishes are left for the night
    Family visits mean Mrs. and sis
    Will persist in resisting their usual fights

    We go to the mall
    We go to the movies
    We shine up the shoes
    On Saturday nights
    We go to the club
    We go to the alley
    We turn off the news
    We turn on the fights

    Me and Mrs. Middle America
    Snapping our towels and flapping our thighs
    Me and Mrs. Middle America
    Middle American husbands and wives

    Me and my honey
    We’re watching our money
    We’re losing gin rummy
    And gaining some weight
    Isn’t it funny
    How me and my honey
    Are equally chummy with people we hate
    Me and the Mrs.
    We both know what bliss is
    It’s mistletoe kisses and wishes come true
    We’re never suspicious
    Not me and the Mrs.
    We both know that this is the best we can do

    We go to the job
    We go to the meeting
    We say that we’ll vote
    But never quite will
    We stay on the phone
    We threaten the beatings
    We send in a note
    When somebody’s ill

    Me and Mrs. Middle America
    Tentative travelers with plenty of slides
    Me and Mrs. Middle America
    Middle American husbands and wives

    Me and Mrs. Middle America
    Mother’s Day doilies and Father’s Day ties
    Me and Mrs. Middle America
    Middle American husbands and wives

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn

  • Men And Women [Uncle Bonsai]

    I knew a boy who said that loneliness would kill him
    Until he met a woman who could only give him pain
    I knew a girl who said no love could ever fill her
    Until she met the only man her soul could not contain
    They were married in the summer
    And they honeymooned in Europe
    And they settled down near Denver
    And they hardly said a word
    They had two point seven children
    And a palace in the suburbs
    And their’s is the saddest story that I’ve ever heard

    I knew a boy who said that happiness was lethal
    Until he met a woman who could cut him down to size
    I knew a girl who thought that every man was evil
    She sorted through her suitors with a venom in her eyes

    They were married in the winter
    And they settled in the city
    And they worked ‘til they were tired
    And they always seemed to fight
    But when no one else could hear them
    They would swear their love forever
    And whisper through the passion everything’s all right

    Men and Women love each other
    Men and Women try so hard
    Men and Women wander freely
    Armed and deadly
    On their guard
    Men and Women fool their neighbors
    Men and Women rule the world
    Men and Women, movers, shapers
    Men and Women, boys and girls

    I knew a boy who said that love could never find him
    Until he met a woman who would claw her way inside
    I knew a girl who said that love would never blind her
    Until she met the only man the darkness couldn’t hide

    So they were married for a while
    But they parted in September
    When she saw that he was changing
    And he knew she wouldn’t die
    But she thinks that he’ll remember
    And he knows that she’ll forget him
    And they still feel they were wrong to say good-bye

    Men and Women cling together
    Men and Women sing off key
    Men and Women wince at incest
    Prince or princess on their knee
    Men and Women sagging shriners
    Men and Women flags unfurled
    Men and Women, braggers, whiners
    Men and Women boys and girls

    He was a quiet man
    The neighbors seemed to love him
    He always smiled at the children passing by
    No one could understand
    What demons came to shove him
    When he pulled the trigger
    When the chainsaw started
    Was it hard to figure
    Was he broken-hearted
    Did the neighbors marvel
    At the sudden silence
    Did he hate to carpool
    Did it lead to violence
    When they close the curtains
    And they hide inside
    Do they know for certain
    If he lived or died

    Men and Women stoop to conquer
    Men and Women stoop so low
    Men and Women filled with doubt
    They scream about what they don’t know
    Men and Women host and hostess
    Men and Women social climb
    Men and Women fill the churches
    Still the urges, kill some time
    Men and Women take their places
    Men and Women make some noise
    Men and Women, well-scrubbed faces
    Men and Women, girls and boys

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn

  • Midas Touch [Uncle Bonsai/Electric Bonsai Band]

    How many hearts have you broken
    How many men have you lost
    How many times have we spoken
    When I couldn’t get the point across
    How many times have we stood here
    Waiting for your prince to arrive
    How many shoulders to cry on
    Does it take to keep the dream alive

    How many tears have you tasted
    How many drinks have we shared
    How many nights have been wasted
    ‘Cause you thought that there was no one there
    How many times will you call me
    Looking for a little relief
    How many nights will I wait here
    Smiling in disbelief

    You go home to your lover
    I go home to my room
    You go home to discover
    I you’ve spoken too soon
    I will wait in the window
    ‘Cause there’s nothing that I can do

    How many times have I wondered
    How many years it would take
    ‘That you’ll see the delusion you’re under
    That you wouldn’t make the same mistake
    How many times must I watch you
    Throwing all your secrets away
    How many men will it take you
    To save them for a rainy day

    You go back to your lover
    I go back to my home
    You go back to recover
    From those evenings alone
    You can choose where you find me
    I’m so use to being on my own
    And I feel like I’m lost in the middle
    Just a little bit caught in the crush
    Watching you working
    Searching for the Midas Touch

    And with all the perfect strangers
    Who are vying for attention
    You will learn that nothing changes
    ‘Cept the names you have to mention
    There is safety in the numbers
    There is safety being sure
    That there’s a safety net below you
    That will save you from the cure
    And the only real advantage
    In returning to the fold
    Is the words you take for granted
    And the shelter from the cold
    You will back away until you’re
    Facing someone more familiar
    Who will fill your dreams of loneliness
    With promises of gold

    You’ll go on with your lovers
    I’ll go on with the fight
    You’ll go under the covers
    Just to stay out of sight
    I will be there like a shadow
    ‘Cause I’m so tired of saying good night
    Why would you choose
    Someone who loves you too little
    Over someone who loves you too much°
    Leaping and lurching
    Searching for the Midas Touch
    Leaping and lurching
    Searching for the Midas Touch

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn and But I'm Happy Now

  • The Monster In The Closet[Uncle Bonsai]

    Stay in bed
    But don't close your eyes
    You know that we love you
    No, really, we love you
    So keep it together
    Take our advice
    Just stay in bed
    And don't close your eyes

    Don't go downstairs
    Don't call our names
    Though we'll always be here
    Just not over there
    There's so much between us
    No, really, between us
    Just stay in bed
    Don't go downstairs

    The monster in the closet’s getting hungry
    He hopes that you left something on your plate
    And the monster underneath your bed
    Knows good things come to those who lie in wait

    The monster in the TV room is restless
    He can not seem to find the good remote
    And the monster in the kitchen’s
    Got a little bit of someone in his throat

    So don’t go down, down, down, down, down, down, down

    The monster in the basement gets so whiny
    He always seems to get his feelings hurt
    But the monster in the dining room
    Is hoping for a really good dessert

    The Monster in the bathroom brings you water
    But that’s the older monster trick in sight
    ‘Cause the monster in the hallway knows
    That you could never hold it in all night
    And he waits around for just a little taste
    You can hear his stomach rumbling from the hiding place

    And we love you more than words could every say
    And we love you even more and more each day
    And we’d love to see you try to heed the warning
    With a love that will refill here if you’re still here in the morning
    And we love you like you’ll always be around
    And we’ll love you if you never make a sound
    And don’t go down, down, down
    Don’t go down, down, down

    The monster in the toaster’s kind of harmless
    There’s not a lot of damage he can do
    But the monster in the vacuum sucks
    The thing that makes you special out of you

    The monster on the front lawn’s throwing pebbles
    He wants you to come down and let him in
    And the monster in the pantry
    Likes the tender bits with extra crispy skin
    And he waits around for something extra sweet
    Listening for the pitter-pat of tiny little feet

    And we love you more than words could every say
    And we love you even more and more each day
    And we love you more than Hodon loved Odona
    With a love that can’t prepare you but I swear to you we wanna
    ‘Cause we love you like you’ll always be around
    And we love that you’re the smartest kid in town
    And won’t go down, down, down
    Won’t go down, down, down

    We remember Tommy
    Do you remember Tommy
    Listening to Mommy would have helped Tom through
    We didn’t want the monsters
    But please don’t taunt the monster
    We can’t outrun the monsters but we’ll out run you

    Still we love you more than words could every say
    And we’d love to have you here another day
    And we’ll love you ‘til the moment that they swallow
    Like we loved the one before you and we’ll love the one to follow
    Yes we love you like you’ll always be around
    And we’ll love you ‘til another you is found
    So don’t go down, down, down
    Don’t go down, down, down

    Unreleased

  • Mother to Mother [Uncle Bonsai]

    From her father
    To my father
    Without any time to breathe
    From her mother
    To a mother
    Almost nothing in between
    From her mother
    To a mother
    She could never be that strong
    From a mother
    To a daughter
    All that silence passed along

    From a mother
    To a daughter
    All that history held inside
    From a daughter
    To a mother
    I was never on your side
    From a daughter
    To a mother
    These were choices I could make
    From a mother
    To a daughter
    I won’t make the same mistakes

    Mother to mother
    Mother to daughter
    Daughter to mother
    Mother to daughter

    From her father
    To my father
    From her mother
    To a mother
    From a mother
    To a daughter
    I could see it in your face
    From a daughter
    To a mother
    You will always have a place

    Available on Apology

  • Mr. Nice* [Uncle Bonsai]

    Who’s that you’ve got on your arm
    Isn’t that Mr. Nice
    Did he open the door
    Did he pull out the chair
    Did he let you decide
    Where you wanted to eat
    Did he pick up the check

    Did he kiss you goodnight
    Did he just shake your hand
    Mr. Nice always does
    What’s the best thing for you
    And he’ll never intrude
    Where he isn’t invited
    He says it’s a sign of respect

    Everything’s wonderful
    Isn’t it wonderful
    Wonder of wonders
    That’s him to a T
    Mr. Nice loves you so
    Mr. Nice lets you know
    Mr. Nice is as nice as can be

    Wasn’t that Mr. Nice
    Buying you clothes
    Did he pick out that dress
    Did he patiently wait
    While you tried it all on
    Did he help you decide
    Between pumps or highest of heels

    Did he draw you a bath
    While averting his eyes
    Did he serve you some tea
    Did he heat up the towels
    Mr. Nice always tells
    The most humorous jokes
    He knows all the best people and deals

    Everything’s wonderful
    Isn’t it wonderful
    He’s so damn wonderful
    It’s hard to breathe
    Mr. Nice is still there
    Mr. Nice in your hair
    Mr. Nice is as nice as can be

    Maybe tonight will be different
    He’ll keep you out late
    Or he’ll say something crude
    He could make an advance
    He could step out of line
    Even loosen his tie
    It’s the least he could do
    Maybe he’ll let down his guard
    You’ll discover the truth
    About all of the women
    He’s left in his wake
    That his name was a joke
    He was given in jail
    That would be something new

    Who’s that I saw by your side
    Wasn’t that Mr. Nice
    Did you give him the boot
    Did he drive you insane
    Was he really that nice
    Was it just a display
    Did he drink to your health

    Did he always defer
    Did he take his sweet time
    They all say Mr. Nice
    Always waits for his turn
    Was he none of the things
    Could you give him my number
    I’m willing to see for myself

    Everything’s wonderful
    Isn’t it wonderful
    He’s Mr. Wonderful
    Don’t you agree
    Mr. Nice is so nice
    It’s worth saying it twice
    Mr. Nice is as nice as can be

    Words: Arni Adler/Andrew Ratshin | Music: Andrew Ratshin
    Available on Apology

  • Mrs. Rosenberg* [Uncle Bonsai]

    Taking charge of her affairs
    Brushing all her cares away,
    Noticeably shaken,
    Mrs. Rosenberg ventures out today

    She headed down the cul-de-sac in slippers and a robe
    Gold lame and faded pink chenille
    Since the Maker chose the Mister to remove to higher ground
    She didn’t fuss about her sex appeal

    No lipstick could be found to hide her differences besides
    Most neighbors wouldn’t see her from their pews,
    Greeted by their second cars whose Jesus fish were standing guard
    She accidentally kicks their Sunday news

    Taking charge of her affairs
    Brushing all her cares away,
    Mrs. Rosenberg ventures out today

    The Midwest sky had just supplied its season of complaining
    When Rosenberg arrived in ‘51
    She followed Mr. Rosenberg, but not the road ahead
    Another girl thrown off the map by love

    From one of many Rosenbergs became the one exception
    Like something gone awry with crops that year
    And though the neighbors softened like the ground when it’s defrosted
    She couldn’t grow accustomed to it here

    Just beyond the border
    Just beyond the husks
    Just beyond the rows and rows of years
    Just beyond the order
    Someone in the dusk
    Mrs. Rosenberg slowly disappears

    Her kids were grown and on their own and never thought to call
    And if they did she opened up the wounds
    And god forbid they’d just show up with grandkids in their arms
    And more than just a post-card full of news

    Another crop of Rosenbergs who left like all the others
    Who grew up fast and moved too far from home
    With faces like the family faces fighting in the photos
    ‘Til everyone left everyone alone

    Someone warn the neighbors
    Someone’s on the run
    Someone shift the tractor into gear
    Someone’s in the acres
    Someone get a gun
    Mrs. Rosenburg’s slowly disappeared

    Go tell Mrs. Rosenberg
    Wherever she may roam
    Someone ought to chauffer her
    On her journey home
    Back to where it started
    Where her family belonged
    Check the phone book in New York
    A million Rosenbergs can’t be wrong

    Her neighbors spoke of God like he was sleeping in their den
    And he wasn’t seeing visitors that day.
    They had their families and their churches and for this she envied them,
    In Brooklyn she would have had the same

    Mrs. Rosenberg was last seen as she trudged into the field
    With just a broom, a spatula, and tongs
    The farmers grew expectant when examining their yield
    But Mrs. Rosenberg was really gone

    Someone call the drug store
    Someone needs her drugs
    Someone’s heading for the old frontier
    Someone (Just) call her children
    Maybe just call Doug
    Mrs. Rosenberg’s slowly disappeared

    Someone check the silos, Someone check the crops
    Someone check the obvious out here
    Someone lost a widow, Somewhere in the stalks
    Mrs. Rosenberg’s slowly disappeared

    Words: Arni Adler | Music: Andrew Ratshin
    Unreleased

  • My Radio Song [Electric Bonsai Band]

    I heard the voice of money
    I heard the cries of innocence
    I felt the devil tapping
    He was tugging on my sleeve
    I read the proposition
    I saw the posted interest
    I learned a new position
    Thought I’d never have to leave

    I heard the sound of dollars
    I heard the sighs of decadence
    I felt the angels singing
    They were singing right on key
    I read the words of strangers
    They brought in their arrangers
    And made a couple changes
    In the name of strategy

    The skies are always grey here
    And mood’s a state of mind
    And content’s in the way here
    The blind preach to the blind
    It’s all a fashion play here
    And genius doesn’t pay
    Emotion’s on display here
    And love, love just fades away

    I heard the stockpile growing
    I heard the prayers of providence
    I felt the agents calling
    They were offering it all
    And these proselytizing pundits
    With their musical redundance
    Brought me fortunes in abundance
    Wall to wall, wall to wall

    The future’s never bright here
    Depression sells like gold
    And everything’s so trite here
    It leaves a body cold
    The politics lean right here
    They’re always in control
    The music sounds so white here
    And love, love has got no soul

    If this is what sells then we’ll sell it
    If this is what works then what’s wrong
    The money’s so strong you can smell it
    Don’t be disturbed if you can’t hear the words
    ‘Cause the words aren’t really that strong
    It all sounds the same so you’ll buy it
    What’s different just doesn’t belong
    We’re all on a cultural diet
    Here in the radio, this is my radio
    Here in my radio song

    I heard accounts accruing
    I heard the dogs of diligence
    I felt the devil laughing
    He was moving up the charts
    They were pleased with their creation
    Cured the cold but killed the patient
    And I tried change the station
    But I didn’t have the smarts

    The jeans are always torn here
    And books are all highbrow
    The attitudes are worn here
    Like leather on a cow
    The eyes are full of scorn here
    And eager to explain
    There’s nothing you can mourn here
    And love, love is always pain

    If this is what plays then I’ll play it
    If this is what they understand
    Just tell me the price and I’ll pay it
    I’m not to blame if the sound is the same
    ‘Cause that’s just what the people demand
    The formula works so we spread it
    And everyone’s singing along
    There’s nobody left to discredit
    Here in the radio, this is my radio
    Here in my radio song

    I’ve seen the new executive
    He’s got the numbers in his head
    And if he acts insensitive
    He could be somewhere else instead
    He’s not the least competitive
    Or even argumentative
    And if it sounds derivative
    He’s got the cash to raise the dead

    If this is what sells then they’ll get it
    If this is what works then I’ll try
    There’s plenty of instinct to edit
    Why change a thing when it’s easy to sing
    And you know that the masses will buy
    They’ve heard it before so they love it
    The current is rapid and strong
    There’s nobody rising above it
    Here in the radio, this is my radio
    Here in my radio song

    Available on I Am Joe's Eyes


  • N

  • Needle In The Haystack [Mel Cooleys]

    Into the room like a target
    Into my heart like a knife
    I can lead you to water
    I can lead you to drink
    I can lead you into changing your life
    But if you’re looking for a girl to hold on to
    Better than the one by your side
    You can try to change horses
    In the middle of the stream
    If another horse is ready to ride

    You came into the fray like a soldier
    Into the night like a whore
    And I could leave you for no one
    I could leave you for dead
    I could leave for something new to explore
    Now you got everything that you ever wanted
    You got piece of ass and peace of mind
    Still there’s another to the left
    And there’s another to the right
    If you think that theirs are better than mine

    And you’ve been searching for devotion
    And you’ve been outside looking in
    And you’ve been hoping for a sign to save the day
    I am the one who’s always been here
    I am the unoriginal sin
    I’m the needle in the haystack

    Into the soul like a surgeon
    Into the pain like a smile
    I could love you forever
    I could love you for now
    I could love you like a motherless child
    But if you’re waiting for a woman to offer
    More than just the love on these lips
    Well you can take another prisoner
    Or take another road
    And I’ll pack a little food for the trip

    ’Cause you’ve been out there on your ocean
    And you’ve survived the undertow
    And you’ve been waiting for the tide to turn your way
    I am the one who’s always been here
    I am the secret that you know
    I’m the needle in the haystack

    ‘Cause you’ve been wasting emotion
    And you’ve been angling for it all
    And you’ve been trolling while the big one slips away
    I am the one who’s always been here
    I am the shadow on your wall
    I’m the needle in the haystack

    Available on Live(?) In Seattle

  • New Jobs For America [Uncle Bonsai]

    So we rounded up the lawyers
    And we held them without bail
    And country came together for the battle
    'Cause when you need a common enemy
    You'll never really fail
    By rounding up unpopulars like cattle

    And the doctors and the nurses
    Were the next in line to go
    With their leeches and elective surgery
    So we die a little younger
    And we wait to name our children
    Cause they hardly ever reach the age of three

    I blame the teachers
    Especially that one from second grade
    I can't believe the money that she made
    You know I always thought she was the great pretender
    And I knew she had a socialist agenda
    I blame the teachers

    Then the bridges and the tunnels
    Were dissembled or destroyed
    So we never had to travel off our land
    And the family remembered
    All the quality and the closeness
    That had years before been ridiculed or banned

    So we casted out the courtrooms
    And the classrooms and the boardrooms
    And we gathered up whatever we could burn
    And the scientists surrendered
    To the movement and the moment
    Cause they knew that there was nothing left to learn

    I blame the teachers
    Especially the one from second grade
    I can't believe she wanted to be paid
    To stand out in the union line complaining
    To think she needed more than 5 weeks training
    I blame the teachers

    Had an earful and an eyeful
    Got a Red Bull and a rifle
    Got the high ground on my rival
    And a special set of skills
    Got a hankerin’ for revival
    And a recipe for survival
    It’s a backpack and a bible
    And a place up in the hills

    So we took the chips and diodes
    That were hopelessly outdated
    And we learned to live without the endless hum
    And we shuttered all the factories
    This is except for Apple
    We may be ignorant but we're not dumb

    And I blame the teachers
    Especially that one
    Who tried to teach us
    The earth revolved around the sun
    I blame the teachers
    Always tryin’ to make us read
    Let’s get the teachers
    So much sense of history
    I blame the teachers

    Unreleased

  • New Math [Mel Cooleys]

    Maybe they were right
    Standing at the board
    Looking at a sea of vacant faces
    Slicing up the pie
    Angles everywhere
    Putting decimals in their proper places

    Draw another line
    Add another “y”
    Trying to pretend I couldn’t hear ‘em
    You could do this blind
    Try to show your work
    Every day another useless theorem

    It was all too fast
    See you after class
    I could never pass
    New Math, New Math

    Maybe they were right
    Passing out the tests
    Essay, true or false, and fill the spaces
    x plus y is nine
    y times n is sine
    Do them all again in different bases

    Listen to that tone
    That’s what I call drone
    Filling up the air with useless babble
    Bisecting that line
    Memorizing pi
    Trying to add oranges and apples

    No use looking back
    We could make a pact
    I would always lack
    New Math

    And now we’re two trains, two trains
    Two trains on the same old track
    And we are two trains, two trains
    And I could change the path
    If I could do the math

    Maybe I was slow
    Standing at the door
    Listening to a tale that didn’t matter
    Looking in your eyes
    Nothing in the air
    Hanging on a stream of endless patter

    Just another notch
    Just another toy
    Just another singer in the chorus
    Never added up
    Never multiplied
    Only saw the trees and not the forest

    Just the circumstance
    Keep it in your pants
    We might not get past
    New Math

    ‘Cause we are two trains, two trains
    Two trains on the same old track
    And we are two trains, two trains
    And we could make it back
    If we could do the math

    We are two trains
    Two trains
    Two trains, no time to react
    Yes we are two trains
    Two trains
    Look out for the crash
    We can’t do the math

    Maybe they were right
    Standing at the board
    Looking at a sea of vacant faces
    Slicing up the pie
    Angles everywhere
    Putting decimals in their proper places

    Unreleased

  • No Such Thing As An Original Thought [Uncle Bonsai/Electric Bonsai Band]

    I can only think of fourteen ways to say I love you
    Even then, those fourteen ways are really trite
    Still that’s thirteen more ways
    Than I really had to think of
    But I went the extra mile to be polite
    I could say I hate you, that would end it there
    I could claim indifference but I don’t think I care
    I should read you poetry
    From all the cards I bought
    ‘Cause there’s no such thing as an original thought

    I could write a song or two it doesn’t really matter
    What’s the diff’rence when I only know three chords
    I could waste our time by coming up with some new rhyme
    But even I’m a little tired of forcing words
    I could beg to differ, I could try agreeing
    I could sit and nod like any other human being
    Maybe I should stick around and dance with who I brought
    ‘Cause there’s no such thing as an original thought

    And the sky is really blue
    And the sun’s a ball of light
    And the leaves are turning red
    And the hill’s are purple-ish
    And the grass is sort of green
    And the clouds are cotton white
    And they call the wind Mariah
    And the ocean smells of fish

    I can only try to be the person that you yearned for
    Even though I’m never sure what yearning brings
    Maybe if I brought in some soliloquy by Auden
    (Really, Auden wrote some very lovely things)
    I could stop the clocks, Prevent the dog from barking
    I could keep on circling, pretending that I’m parking
    That’s another lesson that I’m sure we’ve all been taught
    ‘Cause there’s no such thing as an original thought

    Solo

    I could say I’m sorry, That would be surreal
    I would rather tell you how I think you ought to feel
    All this really witty repartee could be for naught
    ‘Cause there’s no such thing as an original thought

    I could say you’re perfect, that deserves a mention
    I could just pretend that I’ve been paying close attention
    I’m not sure it matters if we’re ever even caught
    And there’s no such thing as an original thought
    No such thing as an original thought

    Unreleased

  • Nobody Loves You [Electric Bonsai Band]

    You pick some clothes
    Select a mood
    You strike a pose
    Prepare some food
    You pour the wine
    Propose a toast
    And make some small talk

    You shine your star
    You shine your shoes
    You find the bar
    To find your muse
    You’re feeling fine
    You start to coast
    You love that small talk

    You stare seductively and smile
    At the mirror down the hall
    And you survey the rank and file
    Like a king about to fall
    There is no one who could touch you
    There is no one quite that tall

    You check your book
    You screen your calls
    You check your look
    You hit the malls
    You make some signs
    You start to boast
    You do that mall walk

    There are no others with the penchant
    To put on a better show
    And you wonder if you’re mentioned
    By the people in the know
    There is no one left to follow
    There is no one quite that low

    Some sound so incredible
    With insight and incentive
    And those who aren’t oedipal
    Are probably retentive
    You’re the only one who hasn’t got a clue
    Nobody loves you
    Nobody loves you
    Nobody loves you like you do

    You like to stare
    You like to serve
    You like to dare
    To strike a nerve
    You start to whine
    You know the most
    You’ll get it small talk

    You speak selectively with passion
    At whoever’s in the race
    And you try to throw your cash in
    Each direction that you face
    There is no one in your future
    Who would want to keep that pace

    Some say that your head is full
    More id than superego
    And when not on your pedestal
    You’re probably incognito
    There is nothing here that you could misconstrue
    Nobody loves you
    Nobody loves you
    Nobody loves you like you do

    Turn cold shoulder
    Stay the miser
    You’ll get older
    But no wiser
    All those school girls
    And beauty queens
    Are few and far between

    As years pass by your bed is full
    Of homosexual panic
    And the girls who aren’t beddable
    Are masculine or manic
    It’s be funny if it weren’t all so true
    Nobody loves you
    Nobody loves you
    Nobody loves you like you do

    Available on I Am Joe's Eyes

  • Now That The Children Are Gone [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Sometimes at night I feel the shiver
    I feel the shiver in your head
    I feel the shiver in the hallway
    From the rooms with the empty beds

    Sometimes at night I hear your heartbeat
    I hear your heart and feel you breathe
    I hear your silence in the darkness
    We wear our anger on our sleeves
    There was a time when we remembered
    That we were all that we could be
    We raised our sights and expectations
    For the sake of the family

    Sometimes at night I hear you crying
    I hear you crying in your sleep
    I hear you crying out for freedom
    All our devotion’s surface deep
    There was a time when I would hold you
    You were a perfect part of me
    Held on for habit or for safety
    For the sake of the family

    We hold our faces through a hard situation
    We seem to soften as we dream about moving on
    No need to suffer through the cold embraces
    Now that the children are gone

    Sometimes at night we speak so softly
    We speak so softly I could scream
    We speak so civilized and certain
    I think I must be in a dream
    There was a time when we were lovers
    We were all smiles and sympathy
    Spoke so politely in the morning
    For the sake of the family

    We hold our faces through a hard situation
    We seem to soften as we dream about moving on
    No need to suffer through the cold embraces
    Now that the children are gone

    We took the family on vacation
    But it didn’t change a thing
    We thought that all the complications would just fade
    We hid the signs of desperation
    That the silent suffering brings
    And kept the dreams of separation locked away

    Sometimes at night I think of leaving
    I think of leaving on my own
    I think of leaving in the morning
    I never think of coming home
    There was a time when you would watch me
    Like there was something new to see
    We kept our eyes off the horizon
    For the sake of the family

    Available on I Am Joe's Eyes


  • O

  • Old People On Ice [Uncle Bonsai]

    Papa, Dear Papa
    You thought I wasn’t listening
    I swear that I was listening
    To everything you said
    And Papa, Sweet Papa
    It’s always been a mystery
    The way the way that you’ve kept history
    Alive inside your head

    How the old ways were the best ways
    And the new ways really suck
    How the neighbors were all commies
    And the Kaiser was a schmuck
    How the Union came together
    With just chewing gum and pluck

    Papa, Dear Papa
    I know you need your medicine
    I’ll give you back your medicine
    As soon as you are dressed
    And Papa, Sick Papa
    You know you should be leaving us
    I hope that you believe me
    This is really for the best

    ‘Cause the good ol’ days were good ol’ days
    But now it’s gone to heck
    How you had the moral highground
    And a country to protect
    Now you can have the place of honor
    On the lido deck

    And all that snow that you walked through
    When you were 10 years old
    Tells us that a guy like you
    Can make it in the cold

    Old people on ice, Isn’t it nice
    Breathing the salty air
    Old people on ice
    Reasonable price
    You and your comfy chair
    This is where you show you care
    Giving up the medicare
    You always said you’d make the sacrifice

    Papa, Dear Papa
    The temperature is falling
    The open seas are calling
    And you’ll have some peace at last
    And Papa, Slow Papa
    It almost isn’t funny
    But we’d really save some money
    If you’d only move your ass

    Yes the old days were the best days
    But the next days are the worst
    So we’ve found the biggest iceberg
    And some snow to quench your thirst
    ‘Cause a hero’s still a hero
    Even if he’s been coerced

    You can have a great vacation
    And abide the golden rule
    See the greatest generation
    Turning into fossil fuel

    Old people on ice, Isn’t it nice
    Having an ocean view
    Old people on ice
    Take my advice
    No one will bother you
    It’s the least that you can do
    Take along your sodoku
    Cruising to a distant paradise

    You can wear your uniform
    I’m sure that it still fits you
    Take Nana too and hope that you’ll outlive her
    You won’t miss your buddies
    ‘Cause they’ll all be out there with you
    Hit the floes like eskimos
    While we’re all sitting shiva

    Old people on ice, Isn’t it nice
    Nobody breaks a hip
    Old people on ice
    Let’s be precise
    Off on a one way trip
    Answering to nature’s call
    Leaving this way helps us all
    And everyone should travel once or twice
    Old people on ice

    Unreleased

  • Olivia Newton John [Uncle Bonsai]

    Some women like to sing out strongly with vibrato
    It gets so violent you can hardly find the notes
    Some women like to sling a song with such bravado
    You long for silence while they’re opening their throats
    Sometimes a screamer with no finesse
    Will make you dream of leaving with your hearing intact
    It takes a whisper, it takes a breath
    To give a songstress something of an act

    I heard the voices from my parents room
    Carson seemed to have his smile in place
    Johnny always loved a pretty face
    Always loved the chance to score
    Especially with a girl next door
    Then I heard the voice come through the TV screen
    Something started stirring in the night
    I could feel a vision dressed in white
    Someone I would not forget
    Strutting on the TV set

    And Oh Oh Oh, I was only eleven
    But Oh Oh Oh, I was feeling like twelve

    I stared intently while the music played
    Doc said he could tell that she’d go far
    Ed was always searching for a star
    Someone who could sing and more
    Sure to make the ratings soar

    And Oh Oh Oh, I admit I’ve been mellow
    And Oh Oh Oh, I admit that I’ve tried

    Olivia Newton-John
    The girl with the velvet skin
    Using her cords for more awards
    Than anyone thought she’d win
    Olivia Newton-John
    The girl with the Hi-Pro glow
    Smiled again for network men
    And starred in a TV show
    She starred in a TV show

    I saw a poster in the record store
    Every little follicle in place
    Not a hint of makeup on her face
    Every single photograph
    Capturing that perfect laugh
    And I read the caption in Variety
    Universal Pictures made the scene
    I would see my angel on the screen
    Suddenly she’d have the chance
    Show the world that she could dance

    And Oh Oh Oh, you can hear my body talk, body talk
    Oh Oh Oh, let’s get into Physical

    Olivia Newton-John
    The girl that we all adore
    Taking a rest she moved out west
    And opened a clothing store
    Olivia Newton-John
    The girls with the eyes of blue
    Making us cringe, she flaunted fringe
    And made it to Xanadu
    She made it to Xanadu

    Oh it will never fail ya
    If you’re there in full regalia
    And you say you’re from Australia
    You’ll be in the loot
    Even if your bacchanalian
    You’re not thought of as an alien
    Cause anyone Australian is so damned cute

    I stay inside and keep my headphones on
    I just need to whet my appetite
    I draw the shades and dim the lights
    No one else need ever know
    What is on my stereo
    And I’ve got some friends who feel the same as me
    Everyone has paid his fan club dues
    Paying close attention to the news
    Waiting for the moment when
    Olivia will rise again

    Olivia Newton-John
    Girl with the perfect hair
    Losing the smile she changed her style
    But nobody seem to care
    Olivia Newton-John
    The girl with the master plan
    Traded her soul for breath control
    And married a younger man
    She married a younger man

    Available on Plain Brown Wrapper

  • One Hit Wonder [Mel Cooleys]

    Where’d you get that big belt buckle
    Where’d you learn to move like that
    Where’d you find those jeans
    When were you last seen in a cowboy hat
    Where’d you find that leather jacket
    Where’d you learn to play guitar
    When’d you write that song
    Picking right along like a country star

    So take the money don’t look back
    West to Nashville, dressed in black
    There’s a cowboy act to plunder
    For a one hit wonder

    Just a boy from New York City
    Answering a cattle call
    How’d you learn that walk
    When’d you learn to talk with a southern drawl
    How’d you get to ropin’ doggies
    From your days at Evergreen
    When’d you close that book
    How’d you get to look like a magazine

    Just another glass half full
    Anything looks possible
    Here’s a rope to pull you under
    You’re a one hit wonder

    Take the pleasures as they come
    Everything can come undone
    Count the moments in the sun
    No use counting after one
    Things will never be this fun
    Cling to every little crumb
    There’s no more to master
    When you’re out to pasture

    Where’d you get the fashion lessons
    Bolder patterns, golden curls
    When did you lose weight
    When’d you start to date all those younger girls
    Weren’t you the anal schoolboy
    Couldn’t stand the dirt and dust
    Why the cattle drive
    Couldn’t you survive on the family trust

    Enjoy your moment on the charts
    Weaker stomachs, weaker hearts
    Caused a temporary blunder
    And a one-hit wonder
    There’s a higher power to thank
    Put some money in the bank
    There’s someone new to steal your thunder
    You’re a one-hit wonder

    Unreleased

  • One In A Million [Uncle Bonsai]

    He was one in a million but I let him fade away with the numbers game. And he wanted to hold me, and I wanted to let him stay, but it never came up in the conversation. All I did was dream I was safe and sound in the variation on my scattered theme. And I turned around and he was gone...or never there.
    And I wouldn’t dare look in the closet or the hall where I deposit all my uninspired lovers who feel they must entertain while they hog all the covers like they hog all the pain.....Singing ”Oh, it’s not so bad. I’ve had it better; I’ve had worse”. Or “Oh, that’s really sad and it reminds me of a verse my mother told me when I was small. She used to hold me, and after all was said and done I’d fall asleep, I’d fade away - another dream, another day - I know now it all begins again; we never end“

    (Once upon a time,
    Filled with love and laughter
    Once upon a time, happily ever after)

    Now -

    Fairy tales disturbed me! The princes always blindly charged and left me confused. Though, I feel like I’m the one who faced the dragon - all the times I’ve been burnt and bruised by lovers saying that they’re gentle, with their minds and not their hands; who play on my emotions like the silent marching bands they heard as boys. They have to make some noise to prove they’re there. They couldn’t care about the beat, and they never think to share, ’cause they could never bear defeat at the hands of someone not afraid to show them that the bed was made in open invitation to the dance. They never take the chance.
    ”It’s not so bad. I’ve had it better; I’ve had worse”. And “Oh, that’s really sad and it reminds me of a verse my mother told me when I was small. She use to hold me, and after all was said and done I’d fall asleep, I’d fade away - another dream, another day - I know now it all begins again; we never end“

    He was one in a dozen but I allowed him to stay for an hour or two. And he rushed to his glory just to give me his soul and his gratitude. And he called me his lover as he rested his eyes, and he dreamed of his mother like a child who cries for his feed....He never looked a me.

    Available on A Lonely Grain of Corn and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai


  • P

  • Paranoid Ex-Lovers [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Their shoulders brush
    Their eyes don’t meet
    They’ve had enough of being nice
    They’ve said some things
    They won’t repeat
    They’ve had their share of bad advice

    Their friends don’t ask
    Their friends don’t speak
    They pick their sides or disappear
    They curse the strong
    They hold the weak
    They flush the wound with barroom cheer

    They don’t remember the mistakes
    They don’t remember who was right
    They don’t remember what it takes
    To make the perfect couple fight

    He never writes
    She never phones
    They eat with friends or order in
    They seem to like
    To be alone
    So nothing painful can begin

    They’ve got some numbers they can call
    They’ve got the pictures packed away
    They’ve got their memories after all
    They’ll live to love another day

    Another paranoid, paranoid, pair of ex-lovers
    Everybody’s talking ‘bout the lovers
    Everybody’s staring at the lovers
    Another paranoid, paranoid, pair of ex-lovers
    Everything revolves around the lovers
    Everybody crowds around the lovers
    Everybody’s heard about the lovers
    What’s the latest word about the lovers

    They go to work
    They go to play
    They find so many things to do
    They know there’s got
    To be a way
    For them to find somebody new

    His mother wants him to explain
    Her father tries to understand
    They’d love to take away the pain
    They want to lend a helping hand

    Another paranoid, paranoid, pair of ex-lovers
    Everybody smiles at the lovers
    Everybody’s happy for the lovers
    Another paranoid, paranoid, pair of ex-lovers
    Everything is perfect for the lovers
    Everybody bows before the lovers
    Everything is handed to the lovers
    Every one is sure about the lovers
    What’s the use in worrying ‘bout the lovers

    Everybody’s waiting for the lovers
    No one wants to hate somebody’s lover
    Lovers have to make it for the others
    No one wants to date somebody’s lover
    Everybody sees them as the lovers
    No one wants to choose between the lovers
    Lovers should remain with one another
    Lovers should remain in constant love

    They watch TV
    They learn to read
    They act like nothing’s
    Really changed
    They go to bars
    Where talk is free
    And go to bed
    With someone strange

    She likes to feel that someone’s there
    He needs to show he’s in control
    They think the perfect love affair
    Will make them feel a bit more whole

    Their shoulders brush
    Their eyes don’t meet
    They’ve had their share
    Of being nice
    Someday politely
    On the street
    They’ll say hello
    And break the ice

    Available on I Am Joe's Eyes

  • Penis Envy* [Uncle Bonsai]

    If I had a penis
    I’d wear it outside
    In cafes and car lots
    With pomp and with pride
    If I had a penis
    I’d pamper it proper
    I’d stay in the tub
    And use me as a stopper

    If I had a penis
    I’d take it to parties
    Stretch it and stroke it
    And shove it at smarties
    I’d take it to pet shows
    And teach it to stay
    I’d stuff it in turkeys
    On Thanksgiving Day

    I’d rival my buddies
    In sports cars and stick shifts
    I’d shower my spire
    With girlies and gifts
    I’d peek around corners
    I’d aim at my toilet
    I’d poke it at foreigners
    I’d soap it and oil it

    If I had a penis
    I’d run to my mother
    Comb out the hair
    And compare it to brother
    I’d lance her, I’d knight her
    My hands would indulge
    Pants would seem tighter
    And buckle and bulge

    A penis to plunder
    A penis to push
    ‘Cause one in the hand
    Is worth one in the bush
    A penis to love me
    A penis to share
    To pick up and play with
    When nobody’s there

    I’d sit like a boy
    I’d straddle the chair
    I’d play with my fly
    Albeit with care
    I’d dip it in chocolate
    I’d stick it in sockets
    I’d stroll to the movies
    With hands deep in pockets

    I’d stick in vacuums
    On vacant verandahs
    Gas guzzling Volvos
    And poodles and pandas
    In puddles and drainpipes
    In doggies and ditches
    Pool halls and potholes
    And bottles and bitches
    Zucchinis and zebras
    Tomatoes, tomatoes
    In pineapples, pumpkins
    And gulches and grottos
    In melons and marshmallows
    Gloves and gorillas
    Slurpies and slippers
    Chinooks and chinchillas

    A penis to plunder
    A penis to push
    ‘Cause one in the hand
    Is worth one in the bush
    A penis to love me
    A penis to share
    To pick up and play with
    When nobody’s there

    If I had a penis
    I’d climb every mountain
    I’d force it on females
    I’d pee like a fountain
    If I had a penis
    I’d still be a girl
    But I’d make much more money
    And conquer the world

    Words: Arni Adler/Andrew Ratshin | Music: Andrew Ratshin
    Available on A Lonely Grain of Corn and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • Politically Correct [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Don’t call me blind
    I can see more than you can see
    If you don’t mind
    It’s just another part of me
    From time to time
    You’ve got to push society
    If you want to believe you’re a member

    Don’t call me slow
    Don’t call me stupid or unfit
    If that is so
    That is the long and short of it
    I’ve room to grow
    It doesn’t bother me a bit
    I don’t need a public defender

    Don’t call me fat
    It’s beyond my control
    Don’t blame the log for the fire
    Imagine that
    It’s just more me to hold
    Down in my soul
    There’s a thin man’s desire

    Don’t call me black
    Don’t call me Indian or Chinese
    That’s an attack
    And I’m not any one of these
    Run with the pack
    There are a million more to please
    And you know that you’ll have to surrender

    Don’t call me small
    I’m the right size for me
    Don’t blame the view on the mirror
    If I should fall
    This is just where to be
    Down by your knees
    Where the ground is much nearer

    Don’t call me blonde
    Don’t call me pale
    Don’t call me old
    Don’t call me male
    Don’t call me weak
    Don’t call me tall
    Don’t call me smart
    Don’t call me anything at all

    Don’t call me crippled
    And don’t call me lame
    Don’t blame the prince for the fable
    A flower’s a flower whatever the name
    I’m not to blame
    If we’re differently abled

    Don’t call me blind
    I can see more than you can see
    If you don’t mind
    It’s just another part of me
    Don’t waste my time
    This is my opportunity
    I think you’ll find
    This is the perfect place to be

    Available on Lounging in the Belly of the Beast and Primal Urges

  • Precious Mime [Uncle Bonsai]

    Will you walk
    Will you walk
    Will you walk
    Into the wind
    Will you walk
    Into the wind
    Just like you did
    When we were happy

    Will you slip
    Will you fall
    Take a trip
    Make a call
    There’s a box
    There’s a wall
    Will you talk
    After all

    You are mine
    You are mine
    You are my
    Precious mime
    Chairs to lean on
    Stairs to climb
    You are my
    Precious mime

    Will you walk
    Will you walk
    Will you walk
    Walk on the wire

    Will you crawl
    All around
    Will you swim
    Will you drown
    Be my love
    Be my clown
    Staircase up
    Staircase down

    You are mine
    You are mine
    You are my
    Precious mime
    Turn some pages
    Learn to sign
    Precious mime
    Precious mime

    I love how you look
    With the weight of the world on your shoulder
    Look at the wonderful things
    You’re pretending to do
    Art, you and I know,
    Is in the eye of the beholder
    I’m holding you

    You are mine
    You are mine
    You are my
    Precious mime
    Smell a flower
    Tell the time
    Cheers to you
    Here’s a dime
    Precious mime

    Available on The Grim Parade

  • Primal Urges - Old Version [Electric Bonsai Band]

    You’ve got a lot of time to kill
    You’ve had your life to settle in
    And you’ve got something to fall back on
    Isn’t that the point
    And all those urges deep inside
    They never try to break the skin
    But you’re too old to notice, too old to destroy

    You’re too old for the path you chose
    You’re too old for that point of view
    You’re too old for the path that chose you

    You’ve got family and friends
    They’ve all been picking at the fears
    And you’ve got cultural assurances
    That nothing’s going to change
    And all those urges down inside
    They have been locked away for years
    And you’re too tired to move, too tired of the strain

    You’re too tired to take that chance
    And you’re too tired to fight it
    You’re too tired for one last dance
    You’re too tired to get excited

    One day a pilot fish
    One day a bottom feeder
    One day a shark without the teeth
    With something churning underneath
    And all those primal urges out of reach

    You’ve got an audience of one
    You sit and watch you like TV
    And everyone who ever hurt you
    Is just a channel away
    And all those urges still inside
    Wait for some opportunity
    To break away from your desire, blind to the pain

    You’re too blind to feel that safe
    You’re too blind to steal that fate
    You’re too blind to field that hate

    One day a pilot fish
    One day a bottom feeder
    One day a shark upon the reef
    With nonchalance beyond belief
    All those primal urges out of reach

    One day you’re out on your own
    One day you’re out on your feet
    One day the cool of the night
    One day a fool in the heat
    One day the world in your face
    One day you’re faced with the fear
    One day the days are ahead
    One day the days disappear

    One day.....
    One day.....
    One day a shark that’s on the run
    Without your moment in the sun
    And all those primal urges gone

    Unreleased

  • Primal Urges - Release Version [Electric Bonsai Band]

    There’s a four on the floor
    There’s an overhead cam
    There’s port fuel injectors
    That I don’t understand
    There’s a boy on a mission
    There’s a girl at his side
    There’s a world of wonder waiting when they ride

    There’s a plan, there’s a permit
    There’s a battle on the street
    There’s a pilot at the ready
    Full of adolescent heat
    There’s a face in the window
    Looking longer in the tooth
    I can see the way his eyes
    Betray the slightest hint of youth

    There are boyhood reputations
    In the vinyl bucket seats
    There are childish inhibitions
    That are almost obsolete
    There’s a tank full of allowance
    And passion on the rise
    I can see the primal urges in his eyes

    There’s a coupe, there’s a caddie
    There’s a jaguar xke
    A spider and a stingray
    And a black 280z
    There’s a boy in a mustang
    With a girl that he just met
    I can see him in rearview
    Singing little red corvette

    There’s a changing reputation
    There’s an image to create
    There’s the strangest new condition
    When he finally finds a date
    There’s the taste of popularity
    A hero at the reigns
    I can hear the primal urges in his veins

    One day you’re the pilot fish
    One day you’re the shark
    One day you’re the bottom feeder
    Such an easy mark
    One day you’re the young and restless
    Peeking through the trees
    Next day you’re the new contestant
    Begging for the keys

    I got a poster of Farrah
    And an urge to compete
    I got a Schwinn with a buzzer
    And a big banana seat
    I got the taste of something better
    And the smell of pine and grease
    ‘Though I don’t really know
    My GTOs from ABCs

    But I’ll get my reputation
    Even though I’m starting late
    I’ll look really cool in daddy’s Delta 88
    As the scent of desperation
    Settles down the avenue
    I can feel my primal urges coming through
    I’ll be in the in crowd
    ‘Til they all get their tattoos
    You can see my primal urges coming through

    Available on Primal Urges

  • Puberty Wars [Electric Bonsai Band]

    In the corner of the gymnasium
    She looked a little like the Mona Lisa
    Girls on the one side, boys on the other
    Nothing in the middle but the valley of death
    Stolen kisses by a dark locker room
    She felt a little like a fallen angel
    Only the prettiest talk to the prettiest
    And laugh at the pimple boy
    Losing his breath

    In the balcony of the auditorium
    She tried to smile as her heart beat faster
    Boys on the one side, boys on the other
    Sitting in the middle of a dream come true
    Broken promises that taste like poison
    She knew the pressure would be there forever
    Only the purest could survive the deluge
    And stand all the pleasure of the rendezvous

    I never knew how the bad boys did it
    Got the prettiest women, got the fastest cars
    She wanted danger but she couldn’t admit it
    Just another victim of the puberty wars

    In the back of an empty classroom
    She said she knew that it was habit forming
    Boys on the outside, boys on the inside
    Staring down the barrel of a loaded question
    Token promises that taste like sugar
    She drank the water but it tasted like wine
    Only the virginal could understand it
    Trying not to blush at the wrong suggestion

    I never knew how the bad boys did it
    Got the prettiest women, got the fastest cars
    She wanted danger but she couldn’t admit it
    Just another victim of the puberty wars

    Frantic dancing with the schoolboy armada
    A fear of romance and a head full of sin
    Careless glancing at persona non grata
    With black leather pants and cadaver skin
    Awkward advancing, she’s a perfect piñata
    Lips dry and chapped with unquenchable thirst
    Precious prancing to some silent sonata
    She’s ready to burst, she’s ready to burst

    In the corner of the gymnasium
    She felt a little like a broken record
    Girls on the one side, boys on the other
    No one likes to be the first to play the fool
    Stolen glances by a dark boiler room
    She knew for certain she would live forever
    Only the experienced run with the experienced
    And laugh at the others on the way to school

    Available on But I'm Happy Now


  • Q

    R

  • The Reunion Song [Uncle Bonsai]

    I didn’t like you then
    I didn’t like you later
    Come to think of it
    I do not like you now
    You said you were my friend
    So why can’t I remember
    Anything but misery
    When you would come around

    I see you’ve got a drink
    I see you’ve got a name tag
    I see you’ve got an escort
    That must have really cost
    You say you really missed me
    So why don’t I believe you
    I’m still stuck remembering
    All the love not lost

    Look at all the women that you never got to meet
    Look at all the plastic on display
    Look at all those athletes, so heavy on their feet
    Look, there goes another bad cliché

    I saw you in the lobby
    I saw you check the mirror
    I watched you pull your stomach in
    That was really great
    You look like you’ve been waiting
    For this night to come forever
    The letter sweater suits you
    You’re such a fashion plate

    Tell me, don’t you think it’s kind of strange
    The more things change, the more they stay the same
    25 years later and they still misspell my name
    I’m so glad I came

    I know you had a dream
    I know that dream has faded
    I know that you’ve been holding on
    To all you used to be
    But we all make mistakes
    Mistakes can last forever
    Forever is the kind of thing
    You get for hurting me

    Tell me, don’t you think it’s kind of strange
    The more things change, the more they stay the same
    Men will come and men will go, I still have you to blame
    I’m so glad I came

    Look at all the women that you never got to kiss
    Look at how their luck has never left them
    Look at how bad choices
    That you made back then persist
    Look at how those nights together
    All come down to this

    I didn’t say hello
    I didn’t reminisce
    I didn’t come to gloat about
    Our lives and our careers
    I really should be going
    I saw the few I missed
    I promise I will hate you
    For another 20 years

    Tell me, don’t you think it’s kind of strange
    The more things change, the more they stay the same
    All your best behind you, now isn’t that a shame
    I’m so glad I came
    Nothing comes in handy like a little bit of fame
    I’m so glad I came

    Available on Apology

  • The Ride [Uncle Bonsai]

    I’ve been the rock
    I’ve been the sand
    I’ve been the boat
    I’ve been the sail
    I’ve been the root
    I’ve been the tree
    And it really doesn’t matter to me

    I’ve been the door
    I’ve been the snow
    I’ve been the cloud
    I’ve been the hail
    I’ve been the heart
    I’ve been the key
    And it really doesn’t matter to me

    For every high school girl
    Who thinks that love is poetry
    That every unrequited thought
    Deserves a rhyme
    I have been through this before
    I’ve been all these things before
    Every figure of speech
    Since the beginning of time

    I’ve been the wind
    I’ve been the rain
    I’ve been the weed
    I’ve been the gale
    I’ve been the storm
    I’ve been the sea
    And it really doesn’t matter to me

    One door doesn’t close when one door opens
    True love isn’t always quick and clean
    Everyone is breaking down or broken,
    Or somewhere in between
    It’s not the piece of paper that you gave me
    Or all the pretty poems that you provide
    It isn’t who you know, or your portfolio
    It’s not the destination, it’s the ride

    I’ve been the track
    I’ve been the train
    I’ve been the box
    I’ve been the nail
    I’ve been the soul
    I’ve been the heat
    And it really doesn’t matter to me

    One path is as good as any other
    The differences are really very small
    And the road that seems less traveled,
    Might simply be the wrong road after all
    It’s not the long-lost lover’s inspiration
    It’s not the latest loser by your side
    It isn’t where you go, or all the afterglow
    It’s not the destination, it’s the ride

    I’ve every indication you’re young and starry-eyed
    It’s not the destination it’s the ride

    Unreleased

  • Running With Scissors (Doug Goes Home) [Uncle Bonsai/Electric Bonsai Band]

    I am sliding down the bannister again
    I am waiting for a lesson to be learned
    I am skating down the hallway
    I am writing on the walls
    And I’m running with scissors

    I am waiting for a voice to cut the air
    The first and second steps have always creaked
    And I didn’t really notice
    That I didn’t wipe my shoes
    And I’m lurking in shadows

    Stuck between what’s good and what is good for me
    I will always do what’s perfect for the family
    And I’m picking off the fresh fruit from a dying tree
    Gently

    I am standing where the piano used to be
    I am counting all the height lines by the door
    I remember every scar
    Where the pictures used to be
    And I’m looking for someone

    I am gonna put my eye out
    I am gonna write in ink
    I will leave the water running
    On the dishes in the sink
    There is nothing left to stop me
    From leaving on this light
    And I will close this door

    I am sitting where the liars always sat
    I am seeing from a very different view
    I am talking while I’m chewing
    With my elbows on the table
    And I’m using your voices

    Houses sound so different when you’re listening
    Hard to hear it breathe without the arguing
    Never really thought you might be leaving me
    Empty

    I am gonna sit on counters
    I’ll be standing on the brink
    I will stare into this light bulb
    And I’m never gonna blink
    There is no one supervising
    I’m all alone tonight
    And I will close this door forever

    You said if I left food out
    We’d be overrun with ants
    But I don’t see a single ant or even worse an ant attack
    And I’m not saying you were lying
    But, again there are no ants
    And all those years that I spent worrying ‘bout
    the ants I won’t get back

    I am visiting this resting place again
    I am gathering the pieces
    Under beds, behind the curtains
    I am offering a blessing
    I am chasing out the demons
    I have entered without knocking
    And I’m burying the hatchet

    I am gonna talk to strangers
    I am gonna smoke and drink
    I will leap before I look
    And I will speak before I think
    There is no one here to show me
    Wrong from right
    And I will close this door,
    That’s if I close this door,
    I will close this door

    Unreleased


  • S

  • Scene of the Crime [Mel Cooleys]

    I’ve seen you in this house before
    I’ve watched you change your point of view
    You used to think the way I think
    Dress the way I dress
    Speak to me like I speak to you

    I don’t know where the time has gone
    I don’t remember turning old
    I guess that always is the way
    What was that you said
    How’d you get this cold

    I saw you come into this world
    I saw you come into this home
    I saw you fall into this fire
    I saw you come into your own

    Did someone tell you you should call
    Did someone hold you to your word
    I guess this really is the least
    Anyone could ask
    This is what I’ve heard

    We wait like saints into the night
    We hold our breath every noise
    We lie awake with eyes so tight
    Can not see the light
    Can not hear the boys

    I saw you come into this world
    I saw you come into this home
    I saw you fall into this fire
    I saw you come into your own
    I am the first to hear the news
    But I’m the last to hear the truth
    I am the one who holds the reigns
    I am the one who cut you loose

    I’m everything I can’t believe
    I am the finger on the phone
    I thought that everything would change
    Now I am the same
    Now we are alone

    We wait like everybody else
    We watch as you become the same
    You thought that you would break the chain
    Here it comes again
    Pass along the name

    I saw you come into this world
    I saw you come into this home
    I saw you fall into this fire
    I saw you come into your own
    I am the first to hear the news
    But I’m the last to hear the truth
    I am the one who holds the reigns
    I am the one who cut you loose

    I saw you come into this world
    I saw you run to somewhere new
    I saw you try to shake the mold
    And then I saw it all come true
    You were the first to see me smile
    Now you’re the last to know what’s true
    I had the future in my hands
    And then I gave it all to you

    Unreleased

  • Send My Body Home [Uncle Bonsai]

    Now I lay me down to sleep
    Pray the Lord my soul to keep
    If I should die before I wake
    Please send my body home

    I don’t like Virginia
    I went there in the winter
    There were good ol’ boys in T-shirts
    With a case or two of beer
    And though I didn’t show my fear
    I could tell that there was danger in their eyes

    And these people in the country
    Look a lot like one another
    Just like maybe they’re related
    To everybody here
    And though I didn’t get too near
    Well, I think that I can generalize

    There are people in Virginia
    Who I know are educated
    And I’m sure they hardly notice
    These Neanderthals on wheels

    I don’t like Alabama
    I was there when it was raining
    And these good ol’ boys in Chevys
    Leave their mufflers back at home

    There were chickens in the gutters
    There was murder in the drive
    I was not the first to utter
    Let me make it back home dead or alive

    Don’t let me die here
    If I should die here
    Don’t let me lie here
    Out here alone
    Don’t let me die here
    If I should die here
    Don’t say good bye here
    Send my body home

    I don’t like the Dakotas
    ‘Cause there aren’t any people
    An occasional oasis
    And some stupid tourist traps
    And though I kind of liked the sunsets
    I could tell that they were always the same

    And these people in the desert
    Are the same as all the others
    Saving up for indoor plumbing
    With an outhouse in the back

    There’s a dinner bell that’s ringing
    And the kin folk will arrive
    And you know I’ll break out singing
    If I make it to the border alive

    Don’t let me die here
    If I should die here
    Don’t let me lie here
    Out here alone
    Don’t let me die here
    If I should die here
    Don’t say good bye here
    Send my body home

    There’s a cousin in the bathroom
    There’s a cousin in the stable
    There’s a cousin at the window
    Who’s emotionally unable
    To be anything but dazzled
    When the family assembles
    And he works so hard at counting
    All the cousins he resembles

    And the man who drove the tractor
    Must have done a bit of drinking
    When he ran into the neighbors
    Just to score some extra points
    He was tryin’ to hit some pigeon
    Who was tryin’ to survive
    And you know I’ll find religion
    If I make it to the suburbs alive

    Don’t let me die here
    If I should die here
    Don’t let me lie here
    Out here alone
    Don’t let me die here
    If I should die here
    Don’t say good bye here
    Send my body home

    Available on Boys Want Sex in the Morning and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • She Walks The Dog* [Uncle Bonsai]

    See, she walks the dog
    Cuts through the fog
    Straight to the park
    Slow, slow goes her man
    Slow as he can
    Tree and his bark

    The figure of fitness she strides with her child on her chest
    But he takes the stroller and stops at the corner to rest

    She’s quick to the task
    Moving so fast
    Getting things done
    He’s sauntering down
    Nose to the ground
    No need to run
    They’re keeping their jobs and a house and they’re raising a kid
    They’re keeping the family afloat but he’s sinking a bit

    He gets there
    And he likes to
    He wants to
    He hopes to
    He thinks that
    And he’s almost
    He ponders
    He wonders

    She gets there, faster than he
    She hurries past like the breeze
    She hasn’t time for such things
    She’s got a timeline to keep
    She thinks he wants to be free
    She’s already taken the leap
    She conquers all that she sees
    If she’s content on this leash

    She’s spending less time
    Well-organized
    Walking the dog
    He’s slowing her down
    Moseying around
    Head in the fog
    She’s shaking the carpets and filing the papers in place
    He’s circling around her and failing to keep up the pace

    He gets there
    And he likes to
    He wants to
    He hopes to
    He thinks that
    And he’s almost
    He ponders
    He wonders

    She gets there, look at her go
    She takes the path of the crow
    She hasn’t time for hello
    She isn’t waiting for hope
    She thinks he’s king of the slow
    She’s reaped before he has sowed
    She knows how slow things can grow
    She’s always the first one to know

    See him dawdle down the aisle
    While she waits at the end
    Waiting never bothered her back then

    She doesn’t know how to say
    She thinks he’s somewhat delayed
    She’s wants show him the way
    She sees the view from today

    He thinks that
    And he’s almost
    He ponders
    He wonders

    She sees the time fly away
    She wants the time that he wastes
    She’s even willing to pay
    Some kid to walk him each day

    He's circling round
    Settling down
    Taking a nap
    She runs into town
    Goes to the pound
    Picks up a cat

    Words: Arni Adler| Music: Andrew Ratshin
    Unreleased

  • Silent Night [Uncle Bonsai]

    My father’s house
    Was warm at night
    He used to sing me lullabies
    Just like his father before him always did
    Just like his mother would have done
    If she had lived

    My father’s house
    Was safe at night
    He used to sleep just down the hall
    Just like his father before him always would
    When he was old
    When times were good
    He found the time
    He found a way
    Piece by piece
    Day by day

    (Oh you look so pretty
    Don’t forget to say your prayers
    I will rock you ‘til you’re sleeping
    And I’ll carry you upstairs
    And I’ll see you in the morning
    I’ll see you in your dreams
    I will always be here when you need me)

    Silent night, holy night
    I left a light on in the hallway
    All is warm, all is bright
    I keep my visions in my hand
    Silent night, holy night
    Life goes on beyond my eyelids
    All is safe, out of sight

    I was away at school
    The night I heard the news
    That I was all alone
    From a stranger’s voice
    On the hallway phone
    She had to call collect
    And mispronounced my name
    And said that I should be there
    On the morning train
    There was no one to meet me
    And no one to take me home

    Silent night, holy night
    I left a light on in the hallway
    All is warm, all is bright
    I keep my visions in my hand
    Silent night, holy night
    Life goes on beyond my eyelids
    All is safe, out of sight

    My father’s house
    Is still at night
    I hear the silence in the walls
    I hear the footsteps in the halls
    Just like the child inside me used to do
    When she was scared and wide awake
    She had the room to keep her warm
    Safe from fears, safe from harm

    Silent night, holy night
    I left a light on in the hallway
    All is warm, all is bright
    I keep my visions in my hand
    Silent night, holy night
    Life goes on beyond my eyelids
    All is safe, out of sight

    Available on Boys Want Sex in the Morning and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

  • Skin Deep [Uncle Bonsai]

    It’s only skin deep
    And fades with time
    It’s such a small leap
    To cross that line
    It’s only flesh and blood
    And makes me whole
    My self control

    So many layers
    It’s just one more
    A spot or two there
    Or three or four
    It’s only sleight of hand
    And daily bread
    My deepest red

    And I’m alive, I am alive
    If I survive this, if I survive
    I will tear the page from history
    Cling to every little victory
    It will always be a part of me

    I’ll roll my sleeves down
    That’s not a sign
    We have our crosses
    This is all mine
    It’s only heart and soul
    That pulses through me
    My inner beauty

    And I’m alive, I am alive
    If I arrive here, if I arrive
    I will keep it all a mystery
    There is solice in the secrecy
    There will always be this mark on me

    No drug can take away this kind of pain
    No family can cut through this disguise
    And like a phoenix
    I will crash and burn again
    But I will rise, and I will rise

    And I’m flying, And I’m flying
    And I’m waiting for the fall
    After all, look around
    What comes up, must go down

    Available on The Grim Parade

  • Something To Fall Back On [Uncle Bonsai]

    Reading’s overrated
    Writing’s only lines
    Computers all speak languages
    But languages will die
    You need to face the future in demand
    Stake your fortune working with your hands
    Poetry is passionate
    But passion disappears
    Rhyming is a waste of timing
    After many years
    Everyone’s a handyman at heart
    Why not really learn to play the part

    Push aside the ideologies
    And all the new technologies
    ‘Cause everyone in college needs
    Someone to fix the plumbing
    See the fortune in manure
    Get your mind back in the sewer
    That’s where money grew while you were
    Busy with your strumming
    It’s something to fall back on
    It’s something to fall back on
    It’s something to fall back on when you fall

    History repeats itself
    History repeats
    You might have heard this all before
    But history repeats
    And math is really crucial
    Or maybe that’s not true
    x and y might change
    But 1 plus 1 is usually two
    You could put it all together in your head
    But why not use a finger joint instead

    Put away the insecurities
    Put the most unsure at ease
    ‘Cause everybody surely needs
    A trap that’s unimpeded
    Let the others show their stripes
    You put your faith in handiwipes
    The person who can clean the pipes
    Is someone who’ll be needed
    It’s something to fall back on
    It’s something to fall back on
    It’s something to fall back on when you fall

    Someday cars may run on hydrogen
    Or helium or nitrogen
    Or lithium or valium
    Or something made by boeing
    People flying there and here
    Running ‘round the atmosphere
    You could have a great career
    If you can keep it going
    ‘Cause everything that’s towable
    Is certain to need towing
    The grass may be much greener
    But that grass will still need mowing
    What’s the over under
    When the sink is overflowing

    So put away the Socrates
    Quit studying for SATs
    Everybody’s bottom needs
    A steady hand to spoil it
    Everybody else might shine
    And think they’re leaving you behind
    But you’ll be God the day they find
    Their money’s down the toilet
    It’s something to fall back on when you fall
    Let the others social climb
    ‘Cause you’ll be making overtime
    It’s something to fall back on when you fall

    Unreleased

  • Square Deal [Mel Cooleys]

    A girl of little consequence
    Was dying to be a bride
    When she saw him at the laundromat
    And she followed him inside
    He offered her some softener
    But could not stem the tide
    The water flowed, they shared a load
    And she thanked him for the ride

    Now this girl of little confidence
    Was tired of being alone
    So she fed him through the afternoon
    And she let him drive her home
    She swore that she’d adore him
    With a love so overblown
    That he grabbed some air and left her there
    And promised he would phone

    She wants a big square man
    With a big square jaw
    And a big square life so real
    All she wants is love and a square deal

    A girl of little competence
    Sits waiting for a call
    With perfumed air and perfect hair
    And a love affair that’s stalled
    She faults herself for faltering
    So frantic she might fall
    For someone she knew secretly
    Was nothing after all

    She wants a big square man
    With a big square house
    And a big square hand to feel
    All she wants is love and a square deal

    She wants a big square man
    With a big square job
    And a big square heart of steal
    All she wants is love and a square deal

    Available on Live(?) In Seattle

  • Still In Love, (We’ll Pretend That We’re) [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Well it must have been the sensitive smile
    That came on like a lamb but let out you were lyin’
    And I would’ve walked the miracle mile
    Just to cut through the scam and the ego of iron
    And I wait for a clinical sign
    There’s a freeze in your face
    There’s a fate in your fingers
    And you know that I’ve got plenty of time
    As you point to a place
    Where the heart never lingers

    Well it must have been a perfect disguise
    Just a part of the plan, you were starting to move me
    And I should have seen the look in your eyes
    I was hardly the man, not the star of the movie
    And I wait for the cynical line
    There’s a functional phrase
    There’s a fraction of feeling
    And I know there’s no reason or rhyme
    Just a hardening gaze
    At the heart you were stealing

    There are lies in the water
    There are lies in the bed
    There are lies that are stuck to your tongue like a glove
    But the lies that you offer
    Are the lies left unsaid
    When you’re talking so terribly tough
    ‘Til they come to the conclusion
    That you’re clinically dead
    We’ll pretend that we’re still in love

    Well it could have been the heat of the air
    Just the ritual rules of the wronged adolescent
    And I couldn’t see that surgical stare
    Just a piece of the puzzle, just the proud pre-pubescent
    And I wait for some critical find
    There’s a night on the town
    There’s a light in the tunnel
    And I know that there’s a shortage of spine
    As you’re settling down
    With the hearts that you pummel

    There are lies in the mirror
    There are lies in your eyes
    There are lies you discover when the push comes to shove
    But the lies I remember
    Are the lies you disguise
    As they seemingly fly off the cuff
    ‘Til they make it through the layers and the memory dies
    We’ll pretend that we’re still in love

    Take a walk on the wire
    Take a ride on the wind
    There are dozens like me who will follow
    Take a stroll on the fire
    Take it all on the chin
    There are thousands who’ve seen it before
    Take the hate you inspire
    Take the cold Cheshire grin
    And the lovers you left feeling hollow
    Take the people who wallow
    Under foot, under skin
    Take ‘em all to the cleaners
    Lead ‘em all back again

    Well it must have been the primitive smile
    That came in like a roar and went out with a whimper
    Or it might’ve been the criminal style
    That came out in the heat in the dead of the winter
    And I wait for a sensible sign
    There’s a grind of the gears
    There’s a game plan in tatters
    And you know that I’ve done plenty of time
    As we wind through the years
    As if nothing else matters

    There are lies in the fabric
    There are cracks in the clay
    There are truths I uncover when you’re comically rough
    There are lies wreaking havoc
    There are facts in the way
    When you show me that enough is enough
    ‘Til you tell me that you’re going to be taken away
    We’ll pretend that we’re still in love

    Available on I Am Joe's Eyes

  • Suffer in the Name of Love [Electric Bonsai Band]

    They found your car at Laguardia Airport
    But the dogs lost the scent in the air
    And the man who held the door
    Said he wasn’t even sure if you were there
    And the blood that they found on the driveway
    Was the same as the blood on the seat
    So they sent out every man
    But the searches were abandoned in the heat

    They waited for a call that never came
    And the fascination faded with the fame
    ‘Til there was very little left except a name
    The family name

    You left the bills and a pile of papers
    But the checks made them all disappear
    The poverty would fade
    As the policies were paid and debts were cleared
    And your children say grace every evening
    With your name whispered under their breath
    A better way to live
    That you could only give to them in death

    And every time the telephone would ring
    They’d wonder ‘bout the news that it might bring
    You know that they would give back everything

    Nobody should feel that kind of pain
    Maybe you’d have found another way
    Nothing falls that far
    Look at where you are
    Take a look at where you are today
    Keeping it together’s hard enough
    Families are made of sterner stuff
    Where’d you get that pride
    To keep it all inside
    And suffer in the name of love

    They found your car at Laguardia Airport
    But the family went on with their lives
    They put away the fear
    It’s a wonder how the spirit survives
    And the times that you thought of returning
    Were the times you were filled with regret
    But you never placed the call
    And the memories were all that you could get

    They waited for a voice that never came
    And filed away the anger and the blame
    But every night she whispers out your name

    Nobody should feel that kind of pain
    Maybe you’d have found another way
    Nothing goes as planned
    Look at where you stand
    Take a look at where you stand today
    Keeping it together’s hard enough
    Families are made of sterner stuff
    You filled the veins with ice
    To make that sacrifice
    And suffer in the name of love

    No one else could help you with this plot
    And everyone deserves another shot
    It’s hard to leave a trail that isn’t hot
    And leave behind the only thing you’ve got
    Every other place is filled with fear
    You struggle just to keep the vision clear
    Can not take the chance to come too near
    The hardest thing to do is disappear

    Nobody should feel that kind of pain
    Waiting for a stranger to explain
    Nothing falls that fast
    Look at what has passed
    Take a look at what has passed this way
    Keeping it together’s hard enough
    Sorry that you had to be so rough
    To do what you have done
    You’re not the only one
    To suffer in the name of love<

    Available on Lounging in the Belly of the Beast

  • Suzy [Uncle Bonsai]

    She works from nine to five
    She gets her take home pay
    She goes to buy some clothes
    To wear another day
    She’s got a little car
    That uses diesel gas
    It’s got a foreign name
    She thinks it gives her class
    She doesn’t cook too well
    She doesn’t speak too good
    She knows of all the men
    Within her neighborhood
    She gives them all the eye
    And chooses one or two
    To buy her little things
    And have a rendezvous
    She has a rendezvous

    She tries to look her best
    She tries so hard to smile
    She wants them all to see
    She’s got a touch of style
    She wears a slitted dress
    That shows a little thigh
    And acts so nonchalant
    As she goes walking by
    She thinks the men are cute
    She likes to reel them in
    And tries to play it cool
    With just a touch of sin
    She makes them draw a straw
    To see who’ll take her out
    She likes it dog-eat-dog
    And they begin to shout

    Suzy won’t you come out tonight
    Suzy won’t you go for a ride
    Suzy I got tickets for the best show in town
    Won’t you come along and sit by my side
    Suzy won’t you go to the game
    Suzy won’t you come to the dance
    Suzy don’t you think that I could come inside
    Suzy won’t you give me a chance

    She’s learned to set her goals
    She wants an even tan
    She doesn’t mind her work
    She does the best she can
    She gives the men a smile
    They think she fools around
    They want to buy her drinks
    She wants to settle down
    She likes to play the field
    She thinks it’s just a game
    She knows how much he’s worth
    Before she knows his name
    She doesn’t want advice
    She thinks she knows it all
    She thinks it’s rather nice
    When they begin to call

    Suzy won’t you come out tonight
    Suzy won’t you go for a ride
    Suzy I got tickets for the best show in town
    Won’t you come along and sit by my side
    Suzy won’t you go to the game
    Suzy won’t you come to the dance
    Suzy don’t you think that I could come inside
    Suzy won’t you give me a chance

    She thinks she needs that walk
    She wears her dresses tight
    She wished she had the nerve
    To be alone at night
    She’s got her mind made up
    She’s found the only way
    She hates the pressure but
    She likes to hear them say

    Suzy won’t you come out tonight
    Suzy won’t you go for a ride
    Suzy I got tickets for the best show in town
    Won’t you come along and sit by my side
    Suzy won’t you go to the game
    Suzy won’t you come to the dance
    Suzy don’t you think that I could come inside
    Suzy won’t you give me a chance

    Available on A Lonely Grain of Corn and The Inessential Uncle Bonsai


  • T

  • Takin’ The Kids To Disney World [Uncle Bonsai]

    If I see another smile
    I would lose my self restraint
    If I walk another mile
    That would surely make me faint
    There are people out there screaming
    Tugging on a sleeve all afternoon
    Why is everybody screaming
    Can’t they think of something else to do

    We were out there on the freeway
    And we thought that we’d try something new
    Give the kids a little leeway
    Thinking that they might enjoy the view
    Why are children always nauseous
    Why do siblings always start a fight
    Nothing worse than being nauseous
    Could it be another form of spite

    We took all our savings
    And we’ll take lots of slides
    We followed our cravings
    As we swallowed our pride
    We’re taking the kids
    Taking the kids
    Taking the kids to Disney World

    We’d been on the road for hours
    Thinking that we’d love to turn around
    ‘Cause the weather looks like showers
    What time to be Orlando bound
    And the kids were getting restless
    Which, of course, had put us in a funk
    Why are children always restless
    Maybe we could put them in the trunk

    We stocked up on patience
    And we locked up our pets
    We turned to the faces
    That we yearned to forget
    We’re taking the kids
    Taking the kids
    Taking the kids to Disney World

    Maybe we shouldn’t be picky
    Waiting around for Mickey
    Probably off having a quickie
    (Mickey and Minnie are mouses in lust)
    Everyone knows that he’s tricky
    Probably slipped her a mickey
    Wearing white gloves ‘cause he’s slick
    He’s strictly a mouse that you never could trust

    But Mickey Mouse isn’t so meek
    He’s on the front page of the weeklies
    Hanging around with some sheik
    He’s less than a man but
    He’s more than cartoon
    He handles the folks so uniquely
    No one gets more than a peek
    See everything’s clean and squeaky
    At the riki, tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki room

    We were terrorized this morning
    Riding It’s A Small World After All
    And there should have been a warning
    Parents must have lots of alcohol
    There’s a woman in a rat suit
    Tell me does she ever get a breath
    Always stuck inside a rat suit
    Scaring all the children half to death

    We battled the tollway
    While they straddled our laps
    We scolded the whole way
    As we folded our maps
    We’re taking the kids
    We’re taking the kids
    We’re taking the kids to Disney World

    As the sun was slowly sinkin’
    We were clearly ready for the end
    Still we liked the talkin’ Lincoln
    But not enough to ever go again
    Everybody bought the mouse ears
    Even though we tried to play it smart
    Nothing cuter than the mouse ears
    We wear them like the travelers’ purple heart

    We’re taking the kids, Taking the kids
    Taking the kids to Disney World

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn

  • Thank You For The Money [Uncle Bonsai]

    I never said you’d like it
    Or even understand
    I never lied about it
    Being good or in demand
    I never made you promises
    Or gave you guarantees
    And, God forbid, I never aimed to please

    I built it for the masses
    And the educated few
    ‘Cause no one understands it
    Like the little people do
    I never really sold it
    I only set it free
    I know it isn’t pretty but it’s me

    Thank you for the money
    Though you should do the thanking
    I should not be bothered by
    This bitter bit of banking
    Thank you for the money
    Hope it’s not too late
    Now that I’ve got money
    I’ll create

    I never thought of stopping
    I knew that you’d come through
    I always had a vision
    Just like other artists do
    And even if you hate it
    I know you’re glad it’s there
    And even if you’re not, I don’t care

    Thank you for the money
    Though you should be more grateful
    I should not concern myself
    With people who are hateful
    Thank you for the money
    Please don’t make me wait
    You give me the money
    I’ll create<

    p>
    Art like mine is never pretty
    Art like mine is heaven sent
    Sometimes art is so important
    Someone else should pay the rent
    No one has the right
    To try to save the world from this thing
    If you give the people what they want
    They won’t know what they’re missing

    Thank you for the money
    Though isn’t that beneath you
    How would you keep growing
    If I wasn’t there to teach you
    Thank you for the money
    Isn’t money great
    As long as you’ve got money
    I’ll create

    Unreleased

  • That’s My Boy [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Standing on the playground, staring into space
    Frozen little snowman, mittens tied in place
    Pull the left one down the right one smacks him in the face
    That’s my boy

    Woke him up at seven, turned around and then
    Woke him up at nine o’clock, he missed the bus again
    Someone tell the principal we’re gonna be good friends
    That’s my boy

    Well, we can talk about potential
    Talk about desire
    Talk about the things that he does best
    Best at all the things that you can’t test
    Lots of hidden talent I would guess

    Something ate his homework, someone hid his shoes
    Sometimes I think he’s looking ‘round for something else to lose
    Someday he’ll have everything, that would be big news
    That’s my boy

    Who’s that in the driveway raising money for the band
    Fightin' off a short attention span
    Maybe there’s a better way to get to Disneyland
    ‘Cause he’ll never sell a thing with all that chocolate on his hands

    Some kids like to gamble, some kids like to steal
    Some kids skip their classes just to have another meal
    Maybe we can find a way to get those records sealed
    That’s my boy, that’s my boy
    If there ever was a little leaguer born to play right field
    That’s my boy

    Available on Primal Urges

  • That’s What Dreams Are For (Sally Has A Smile) [Electric Bonsai Band]

    By 25 she said that she’d be married
    But at 24 she had no steady man
    And all the boys who carried her through childhood
    Were hoping that they could see her through her plan
    And at 26 she said she was a virgin
    And all the boys who’d had her fell apart
    She said that she was ready to start over
    Now that she knew her way around her heart

    And Sally has a smile she saves for strangers
    She hardly takes it out much any more
    She spends her waking hours lost in memories
    She doesn’t know that that’s what dreams are for

    At 28 she said it was depressing
    The way the men were falling at her feet
    She said that they were always in the shadows
    But no one else could see them from the street
    And Sally says that love should last forever
    But hasn’t ever made it through year
    She writes another entry in her diary
    And watches as the twilight disappears

    And Sally has a smile she saves for strangers
    She hardly takes it out much any more
    She spends her waking hours lost in memories
    She doesn’t know that that’s what dreams are for

    She thinks it’s all a mystery
    And filled with happy endings
    She says she likes to see the brighter side
    But all throughout her history
    She never stopped believing
    You never are too old to be a child bride

    By 25 she said that she’d be married
    By 35 she thought a family
    And all the boys she carried out of childhood
    Were hoping that she’d end up happily

    And Sally has a smile she saves for strangers
    But no one’s really knocking down her door
    And Sally says her best years may be coming
    She doesn’t know that that’s what dreams are for

    Available on I Am Joe's Eyes

  • The Baby’s Head [Uncle Bonsai]

    The baby’s head is a hexagon
    The baby’s head is a hexagon
    Nobody in here did anything wrong
    But the baby’s head is a hexagon

    The baby’s head is a hexagon
    The baby’s head is a hexagon
    He’s got all of his fingers, his toes are all on
    But the baby’s head is a hexagon

    Everything else is just
    Everything else is just.........fine............

    The baby’s head is a hexagon
    The baby’s head is a hexagon
    There are so many places to rest things upon
    ‘Cause The baby’s head is a hexagon

    And now it’s hard to gauge concern
    There’s so much inner rage to burn
    I know it’s such an early age to learn
    That life isn’t fair
    You could take one side or another
    And you could take away it’s brother
    But the baby’s head would still be a square

    The baby’s head is a hexagon
    The baby’s head is a hexagon
    It’s almost like something Picasso had drawn
    I guess you could say that his features are strong
    Hey, one of those facets is already gone
    Now the baby’s head is a pentagon

    Oh, Hallelujah (It’s not quite a miracle)
    Oh, Hallelujah (His head isn’t spherical)
    Isn’t it magical
    Life was so tragical
    Now we can start it up all over again
    So raise up a flagon-full
    For the hexagonal
    We don’t have to hang out
    With losers like them

    The baby’s head is a pentagon
    The baby’s head is a pentagon
    Those six-sided children will never belong
    And our baby’s head is a pentagon

    Our baby’s head is a pentagon
    Our baby’s head is a pentagon

    Words and Music: Emma Ratshin and Andrew Ratshin
    Available on The Grim Parade

  • The Devil You Know [Uncle Bonsai]

    I was looking for a moment I could taste
    I was reaching for the things I used to feel
    I would love a little destiny to waste
    I would take whatever pleasure I could steal
    I am lost in something burning underneath
    I am waiting for the signs you never show
    I am tired of pretending I can breathe
    As I smile and defend the status quo

    If you can’t be the solution
    If you can’t be the solution
    If you can’t be the solution
    You’re the problem

    You were never going to make it on your own
    You were searching for a better hand to play
    You were never going to take that microphone
    You were standing there with nothing new to say
    You are lost in something tiring and old
    You are waiting for another new defeat
    You are tired of looking patient in the cold
    While the world around you suffers in the heat

    I am throwing out the baby
    I am throwing out the baby
    I am throwing out the baby
    With the water

    You are not the boy I married
    I am not the girl you loved
    There’s no fire in your belly
    There’s no life in this cocoon
    If there’s something ‘round the corner
    I would love to see it coming
    I would love to see it coming
    I would love to see it soon

    We are lost in something toothless in the night
    We are waiting for the darkness to implode
    We are tired of being frozen in the lights
    While we’re waltzing in the middle of the road

    It’s a bitter pill to swallow
    It’s a bitter pill to swallow
    It’s a bitter pill to swallow
    But I’ve swallowed

    Available on The Grim Parade

  • Theme Song [Uncle Bonsai]

    Now that I’ve written my book
    Now that I’ve finished my play
    Now that I’ve started a look
    Now that you’re looking my way
    Now that I’ve caught the crook
    Now that I’ve saved the day

    Now that I’ve scattered the mob
    Now that they’re all moving on
    Now that I’ve finished the job
    Now that the bad guys are gone
    Now that I’m a real heartthrob
    Now that I’m a true phenomenon

    I need a theme song
    I need a theme song
    Something that will tell the world
    Exactly how I feel
    Something like the Brady Bunch,
    Now that would be ideal
    The Monkees had a theme song
    And they weren’t even real
    They had a theme song, I need a theme song

    Now that you know my name
    Now that I’ve mastered the dance
    Now that I’ve won every game
    Now that I’ve visited France
    Now that I’ve welcomed my fame
    Now that I’ve taken a stance

    I need a theme song
    I need a theme song
    The Partridges got happy
    That was really a disgrace
    That bitter little redhead
    Thought it all so commonplace
    He had a stupid theme song
    Though he couldn’t play the bass
    He had a theme song, I need a theme song

    Super Mario has got a theme
    And all he does is plumbing
    I could write new words to Gilligan
    But that would just be slumming
    The perfect song lets everybody
    Know that I am coming
    And once I’ve left the room
    I want a million people humming

    I need a theme song
    I need a theme song
    Batman had a theme song
    But the words were kind of flat
    Someone should have written him
    A better one than that
    Something more deserving of
    A guy dressed like a bat
    He had a theme song
    I need a theme song

    People let me tell you ‘bout my best friend
    He had a theme song

    Available on The Grim Parade

  • Then God Made Malls [Uncle Bonsai]

    When we were small
    Life was complete
    Wandering and working
    In pastures of meat
    Little to do
    Little to wear
    Mornings for chores
    Evenings for prayer

    When we were small
    Father would say
    Plan for your future
    Every new day
    God gives us shelter
    Clothing and health
    The devil will tempt you
    With women and wealth

    Then cam the light
    At the foot of the hills
    It grew brighter and brighter
    And brighter and brighter
    Men with machines
    Building walls in the weeds
    It grew higher and higher and higher and higher

    Father was silent
    He pulled up the blind
    And said boys mark my words
    It’s the end of mankind

    Father died broken
    A man of belief
    Winter brought frostbite
    Famine and grief
    But there was light
    We always could see
    To lead us back home
    To set us all free

    Then God made malls
    And we were saved
    The hills were plowed
    And fields were paved
    We found a place
    To kneel and pray
    With B. Dalton books
    And Bon Marche

    Oh yeah....ooooo

    When we were small
    We could not see
    Father had left
    In our hour of need
    God gave us family
    Then taketh away
    The devil brought freedom
    With each shopping day

    Then came the light
    With he sale of the day
    It grew cheaper
    Designer names
    And video games
    We sank deeper....ooo

    Father forgive us
    We know that we’ve strayed
    We were losing our will
    We were lost and afraid

    Then God made malls
    And we were saved
    The hills were plowed
    And fields were paved
    We found a place
    We could just sit
    With Penneys and Sears
    And Spencer Gifts

    When we were small
    Life was complete
    Wandering and waiting
    In pastures of meat
    Little to do
    Little to wear
    Mornings for stores
    Evening for prayer

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn

  • This Could Be The One [Mel Cooleys]

    Back when I was small
    Had the same old dream
    There without a face
    Staring at the diamond on my hand
    Leading people through the promised land
    Some day after all
    I would find that seam
    Slip into a place
    In between the moment and the man
    Only girls like me could understand

    Suffering through the momentary glances
    Maybe that’s exactly what romance is
    Any other set of circumstances
    Might be more than anyone could bear

    But this could be the one
    This could be the only one for me
    Holding on for life
    Studying this new anatomy
    Somewhere in my heart
    Something overcome
    This could be the start
    Could be the one

    Back in younger times
    Make another choice
    Take another chance
    Always someone else to come around
    Always one more waiting to be found
    But lost behind the lines
    Left without a voice
    Last one at the dance
    Waiting for the noise to settle down
    As one by one they head to higher ground

    Nothing like a child to remind me
    Of all those frightened faces right behind me
    There but for the grace of God you’ll find me
    I could be the woman standing there

    But this could be the one
    This could be the only one for me
    Faceless in the dark
    Faces breed familiarity
    Somewhere in my heart
    Something on the run
    This could be the start
    Could be the one

    Stumbling through the sorted stages
    Sampling forbidden fruits
    Wading through the latest rages
    Waiting for the new recruits
    Slowly slipping through your fingers
    One by one they hit the dust
    Funny how the panic lingers
    When there’s someone new to trust

    Back when I was small
    I remember this
    There with sword and shield
    Pulling at the promise in my eyes
    Every turn another big surprise
    Some day after all
    I would make that list
    Level off that field
    Disregard the lovers and the lies
    Wonder why that feeling never dies

    And this could be the one
    This could be the only one for me
    Listen to him breathe
    Watch him climbing up the family tree
    Somewhere in my heart
    Something finally done
    This could be the start
    Could be the one

    Somewhere in my heart
    Something must be won
    This could be the start
    Could be the one

    Unreleased

  • This Is The Way [Mel Cooleys]

    Even with our clothes on
    And a thousand miles of wire
    You watch me like a painting
    And you touch me like a fire
    How could you imagine I would stay
    This is the way

    And even in the darkness
    Through the neon on the street
    You take me in the shadows
    And you make me incomplete
    How could I have known what you would say
    This is the way

    This is the way that you hurt me
    Through the richer and the poorer
    In sickness and in health
    From dust to dust
    This is the way that you hurt me
    In a place you’ll never know
    This is the way that you hurt me
    Hurt me so

    Even with my eyes closed
    And the shattered stare of shock
    You haunt me like a photograph
    And taunt me like a clock
    How could I surrender every day
    This is the way....

    ....that you hurt me
    Through the richer and the poorer
    In sickness and in health
    From dust to dust
    This is the way that you hurt me
    In a place you’ll never know
    This is the way that you hurt me
    Hurt me so

    No family to betray me
    No phone that I won’t answer
    No stairwell too well lit for me to breathe
    No sentimental sadness underneath
    No sacrificial sorrow I can see

    This is the way that you hurt me
    Through the memory and the shame
    In silence and in fear
    From dusk to dawn
    This is the way that you hurt me
    With a face you never show
    This is the way that you hurt me
    Hurt me so

    Available on Live(?) In Seattle

  • This Is What Love Is For [Electric Bonsai Band]

    She keeps the ring on her finger
    She keeps her eye on the door
    She keeps a light in the window
    Though she knows it’s a little cliche
    She’s sees herself in the mirror
    Just the way that she’s seen her before
    And it looks like it’s gonna be
    A long cold winter

    This is what love is for
    You can never hold on too tight
    And she’s dreaming in black and white
    See the colorless eyes
    This is what love is for
    As far as the eye can see
    This is what love can be
    (It’s the way of the world)

    She feels the days getting shorter
    That’s why the nights feel so long
    She feels a little bit stronger
    But she knows that it’s going to fade
    She waits for him in the darkness
    And knows she must have done something wrong
    And it looks like the world is gonna
    Keep on spinning

    And she says this is what love is for
    You can never hold on too tight
    If he’s there with the morning light
    He’ll have colorless eyes
    This is what love is for
    As far as the eye can see
    This is what love can be
    It’s the way of the world

    In the dark
    At the end of the tunnel
    In the rain
    With the flash of the lightening
    All the pain
    All the thunder inside her
    All that time
    So much time

    This is what love is for
    You can never hold on too tight
    But she’s sleeping alone tonight
    With her colorless eyes
    This is what love is for
    As far as the eye can see
    And this is what love can be
    It’s the way of the word

    Available on But I'm Happy Now

  • True Believer [Electric Bonsai Band]

    I met a true believer
    Who I thought would try to save me
    So I turned my coldest shoulder
    But I guess that he forgave me
    And I know
    And I know here
    I’m part of all the things I fear

    I met a true believer
    Who watched me from a distance
    And he offered me some comfort
    But I offered my resistance
    And I know
    And I know this
    I am made of all the things I’ve missed

    You save who you want to save
    And serve who you need to serve
    You will take a higher road to heaven
    I will get what ever I deserve

    I met a true believer
    Who was never any danger
    And I thought he’d try to change me
    So I acted like a stranger
    And I know
    And I know now
    I will be the things that I allow

    You see what you want to see
    And serve who you need to serve
    You will be whatever you have planned for
    I will get whatever I deserve

    And all the king’s horses and all the king’s men
    Can’t pull the pieces together
    All of the lines have been severed
    Lost in the darkness forever
    We rally the forces then come out again
    ‘Til all of the icons are battered
    All of the people who mattered
    Are tossed to the cross wind and scattered

    We say what we need to say
    And serve who we need to serve
    You will find an angel at the crossroads
    I will get whatever I deserve

    True Love

    The first time they met
    It was karma or kismet
    Or fate, maybe even
    A blessing from God
    Two birds of a feather
    Two pigs in a blanket
    Two ships on the ocean
    Two peas in a pod

    And someone said true love
    Was on the horizon
    But all I could see
    Was a terrible cloud
    A terrible couple
    A terrible burden
    But somebody said it was true love

    The first time they met
    I’ll be brutally honest
    I thought it was nothing
    But like at first sight
    Another direction
    Another location
    Another flag waving
    By dawn’s early light

    And someone said true love
    Was on the horizon
    But take it from me
    It’s a terrible sight
    A terrible yearning
    A terrible burning
    But somebody said it was true love

    I suppose it was true love
    Could it really be true love
    Someone said it was true love
    True love....it must be true

    The first time they met
    I was more than suspicious
    I know what you’re thinking
    You’re thinking they failed
    But somebody told me
    It must have been true love
    They said it was true love
    And true love prevailed

    And someone said true love
    Was on the horizon
    But that couldn’t be
    What a terrible lie
    A terrible message
    A terrible moment
    But somebody said it was true love

    Available on But I'm Happy Now

  • 20th Century Man [Uncle Bonsai]

    Kicking and screaming
    I was pulled through the wire
    I was dragged through the wire
    Like a rat on a hook
    I was moused, I was modemed
    I was bitted and byted
    I was rammed, I was rommed
    But I never partook

    I don’t need all the news fit to print
    At a private address
    Anything worthwhile
    Will find its way into the press

    Heart in my stomach
    I was waiting and waiting
    I was constantly waiting
    For the contents to list
    I was cookied and counted
    I was tracked, I was trampled
    I was chatted and chided
    For the calls that I missed

    I belong to the party lines, rotary dials
    When person to person meant shaking a hand
    I can talk to my friends on a string and a can
    I’m a 20th century man

    Clicking and clicking
    I was drawn to the channels
    I was pulled to the channels
    Like a rat in a maze
    I was tunered and timered
    I was played and rewinded
    I was programmed and primered
    For the local arrays
    As I stared at the clock
    There was nothing I wanted to see
    As I turned to the box
    I knew it would be flashing at me

    Constantly clicking
    I was pressing on buttons
    I was pushing the buttons
    As I read the display
    I was surveyed and sought
    I was cornered and caught
    I was brought down and bought
    For just pennies a day
    I belong to a solid oak 19 inch console
    With buttons and dials I turn with my hand
    I belong to the networks, all perfectly bland
    I’m a 20th century man, a 20th century man

    Real lemonade,
    That’s right, real lemonade
    And a spot in the shade
    That would be nice
    Nothing that beeps
    No more buzzes or beeps
    Nobody leaps
    For some wireless device
    Maybe a record, we could listen to records
    I would still buy a record for a reasonable price
    Nothing to do but sit talking to you
    With a Ballantine brew and a big block of ice

    Hoping and praying
    I was stuck to the message
    I was tuned to the message
    Like a rat on a wheel
    I was held, I was handled
    I was processed and promised
    I was traded and transferred
    I was shuffled and spieled
    I was Kennied and Carlosed
    And Beatled and Breaded
    One hundred, one stringed
    For some fabulous deal

    I belong to the Caldors, the Woolworths, Korvettes
    I belong with the products you hold in your hand
    I belong to the places with aisles to scan
    I’m a 20th century man
    I belong to the Kreskes, to Kresges and Kress
    I belong to a shopping cart filled by my hand
    If a 7-11 can’t, nobody can
    I’m a 20th century man, a 20th century man

    Available on The Grim Parade

  • Two Men [Mel Cooleys]

    Count them on your fingers
    With fingers left to spare
    Turn your head, blink your eyes
    They’re no longer there
    Two men, Two men
    Drinking in the corner
    Waiting for their wish
    Shooting for the young ones
    Barrels full of fish
    Two men, Two men

    Printed in the papers
    News that you can trust
    Dresses us in stretch-pants
    Covers us with dust
    There were two men
    There were two men
    There were two men
    And three of us

    Take it slow and steady
    Toughen up your heart
    Take longer to get ready
    You’re further from the start
    Two men, Two men
    Waking in the new world
    With men who have to breed
    Breaking in the new girl
    Johnny Appleseed
    Two men, Two men

    Shorter in the saddle
    Smaller in the bust
    Kept away from battles
    Anything can rust
    There were two men
    There were two men
    There were two men
    And three of us

    Some go out too often
    Some come on too slick
    Some speak really softly
    (But carry a big stick)
    Some of us are graying
    Some of them are bald
    None of us are chosen
    But all of us are called

    Knit another sweater
    Pick another flower
    Dream of getting better
    Not older by the hour
    Two men, Two men
    Take it like an eyesore
    Disposable and quick
    Fewer men to die for
    More of us to pick
    Two men, Two men

    Heed the living legend
    Feeding off his lust
    Leads us to the edge and
    Throws a little crust
    There were two men
    There were two men
    There were two men.....

    Available on Live(?) In Seattle


  • U


    V

  • The Voice Of God [Uncle Bonsai]

    I thought I heard the voice of god
    I thought I heard a voice from heaven
    Saying “stay tuned for details at eleven
    I’ll be back with weather and news”

    I thought I heard the voice of god
    (She thought she heard a vision)
    I invited friends over to eat hear
    (They watched the television)
    Just in case saved and savior should meet here
    To talk about their common views

    For a moment
    There was a shadow on the wall
    But my cousin down the hall
    Said it was only Elvis
    Only Elvis
    Get out, Elvis, get out
    We were waiting
    For a miracle to seize us
    But if I know our Jesus
    He was stuck behind his big fat
    (Big fat, Big fat)
    Stuck behind his big fat friend

    Oh Elvis
    Fat Boy Elvis
    Thanks a lot Elvis

    I thought I heard the voice of God
    I thought I heard the second coming
    But couldn’t tell with Elvis humming
    If there really was a vision in the den
    But I figure he can always come again

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn


  • W

  • Weight Of The World [Uncle Bonsai/Mel Cooleys]

    Pile up the mattresses
    Throw the kids on, find the dogs
    Lamps and chairs and televisions
    Grab the books and roll the rugs
    This could be a celebration
    Throw the champagne right on top
    And pile it up, pile it up, pile it up......

    There’s no time for indecision
    Grab and ankle, pull a wrist
    Take what ever limb remains
    I’m sure that there’s a spot you missed
    This could be brand new record
    Everything you’ll ever see
    Piled up on
    Piled up on
    Piled up on top of me

    It’s the weight of the world
    Just the weight of the world
    It’s the weight of the world
    And it’s mine all mine

    Baby’s crying, find the bottle
    Somewhere in the second tier
    Maybe there’s a pacifier
    Up around the chandelier
    This could be a whole new business
    Something no one else has done
    Pile the crap
    All the crap
    Pile the crap from everyone

    It’s the weight of the world
    Just the weight of the world
    It’s the weight of the world
    And it’s mine all mine

    Someone found another planet
    One with lots of gravity
    Just a little more to manage
    Throw it right on top of me
    There’s an opening on my shoulder
    Over by the rocking chair
    Just in case some friends come over
    There’s a little room up there

    Somewhere there’s a Masserati
    Shining on the showroom floor
    Someone has to move the old ones
    Right before we get some more
    Everything that God’s created
    Everything you’ll ever see
    Piled up on
    Piled up on
    Piled up on top of me

    It’s the weight of the world
    Just the weight of the world
    It’s the weight of the world
    And it’s mine

    Unreleased

  • Welcome to the New World [Mel Cooleys]

    Nice jacket
    New tie
    Pressed blue jeans
    Breaking at the top of the boots
    Nice haircut
    Good smell
    Walk lightly
    Look before you step in the street

    No curfew
    No guilt
    Hot number
    Waiting on the top of the stoop
    No wife now
    No ring
    Walk softly
    Think before you’re ready to speak

    Late sixties
    Real romance
    True love song
    Warm shoulder
    Cold fingers
    Old dance steps
    Gone, gone, gone with the old girl
    New fashion
    New number
    New mustache
    New funding
    New captain
    New voyage
    Welcome to the new world

    Fine perfume
    Fresh flowers
    New sideburns
    Sharper than the cut of your suit
    No tightrope
    No leash
    Walk slowly
    Look before you’re ready to leap

    Old habits
    New decade
    Same faces
    New paint job
    Cold starter
    Old feelings
    Gone, gone, gone with the old girl
    New passion
    New power
    New promise
    New program
    New sandbox
    New sunrise
    Welcome to the new world

    One marriage
    Two children
    Four stages
    Twelve steps and
    Cold reason
    Old headaches
    Gone, gone, gone with the old girl
    New buyer
    New seller
    New angle
    New shelter
    New datebook
    New future
    Welcome to the new world

    Available on Live(?) In Seattle

  • What Happened To You [Mel Cooleys]

    Read this letter to myself
    Found behind a childhood book
    Saw your picture on the shelf
    It’s the only one I took

    Alice Through The Looking Glass
    Common thought with complex rhyme
    So this letter came to pass
    To a partner in a crime
    Should have mailed it at the time

    Take a diamond in the rough
    Hold it up against the glass
    Press that diamond hard enough
    It’ll cut right through the past

    You are part of who I am
    You were with me at the start
    You were always something new
    What happened.......

    Names are old and half-erased
    (More than just a piece of you)
    Feelings fade and finally die
    (More than just a hidden truth)
    Lose the voice, forget the face
    (More than just a point of view)
    Watch another year go by

    More than just a piece of you
    More than just a hidden truth
    More than just a point of view
    More than just forgotten youth

    Alice sees the looking glass
    Doesn’t want to watch it end
    Last time out she grew too fast
    (More than just forgotten youth)
    Though she found herself again
    She lost a perfect friend

    Take a diamond from the drawer
    Hold it close and hold it tight
    Keep that diamond safe and warm
    It’ll shine into the night
    You are part of who I am
    You were with me at the start
    You were always something new
    Tell me what happened
    You were with me all the time
    Waiting there for me to find
    You were always showing through
    What happened to you

    More or less the same
    More than meets the eye
    More than I can say
    More than just some time
    More or less your words
    More than wish-you-well
    More than what it’s worth
    More than time will tell

    Take a diamond from the sand
    Hold it up into the light
    Keep that diamond in your hand
    It’ll shine into the night
    You are part of who I am
    You are where I’m supposed to be
    You were always something new
    Tell me what happened
    You were with me all the time
    Out of sight not out of mind
    You were always showing through
    What happened to you

    Unreleased

  • Wheel Of Death [Electric Bonsai Band]

    Don’t put that smile away
    We’re back from our commercial
    Let’s kiss the children
    And get ready for our game
    I’ll read the cue cards
    Like I did in the rehearsal
    Just press the button
    When you hear me call your name

    How ‘bout a brand new car
    Or maybe a vacation
    Meet your opponent
    May the better man survive
    Let’s pause to hear a message
    From our local station
    Then answer the questions
    And you’ll make it out alive

    Jump for the camera
    Scream for the crowd
    No gracious winners
    And no attitudes allowed
    Once for the squeamish
    Twice for the meek
    The pot grows bigger
    At the end of every week

    And it’s only the beginning
    As you draw your winning breath
    You keep the family spinning on the wheel of death

    Here’s to the networks
    They’ve got ‘cause for celebrating
    Let’s give them something
    We’ve got more than time to kill
    Wipe off those sweaty palms
    There’s a million people waiting
    Let’s not deprive them
    Of their entertainment fill

    You’ve chosen letters
    You’ve guessed the prices
    What could be better
    Than the winner taking all
    We got the viewers
    By appealing to their vices
    Just watch the ratings
    When the loser gets the call

    And the air just keeps on thinning
    The higher up you get
    But you keep the family spinning on the wheel of death
    Yes it’s only the beginning
    As you draw your winning breath
    And you keep the family spinning on the wheel of death

    And when the curtains come down
    And when the curtains come down
    And when the curtains come down
    The curtains come down

    Don’t stare into the lights
    Don’t think about the future
    Keep your perspective
    ‘Til we show the final score
    God bless the TV public
    God bless our producer
    We’ve got some parting gifts
    Your children will adore

    And the sponsors can’t stop grinning
    As you place the losing bet
    And you keep the family spinning on the wheel of death
    Yes it’s only the beginning
    As you draw your winning breath
    Still you keep the family spinning on the wheel of death

    Available on I Am Joe's Eyes

  • Where’s The Milk [Uncle Bonsai]

    I can’t believe I stepped into this situation comedy
    Like every stupid housewife seen on all those stupid shows
    Saturday you headed out for milk then Sunday came and Monday came
    And Tuesday came and then the next and so it goes

    I put my life together after looking like an idiot
    In front of all my family, our neighbors, and our kids
    And I sat through all that therapy and blamed myself and everybody else
    Before I started blaming you for what you did

    And now you wander back into my life
    To pick up where you left it
    And pretend it didn’t happen
    Do I really look that dumb
    And you stand there empty handed
    With a smile that’s ten years older
    And eyes that want to show me
    Just how far you’ve come

    But tell me....
    Where the hell’s the milk
    Where’s the stupid milk
    All this time gone by
    You could have brought the whole damn cow
    Where the hell’s the milk
    Where’s the stupid the milk
    Oh tell me where’s the milk now

    Every day I climbed into the car to drive to work and had to
    Pass by all those groc’ry stores and markets on the way
    Limping through the produce toward the dairy case and wondering
    If I would see your face upon the milk cartons some day

    And now you show up at the doorway
    Without an explanation
    Like you didn’t think I’d notice
    That you hadn’t been around
    And you stand there empty hearted
    With no weight upon your shoulders
    And you think I’m gonna celebrate
    That you were finally found?

    First tell me....
    Where the hell’s the milk
    Where’s the stupid milk
    The cows all made it home somehow
    And they’re just stupid cows
    Where the hell’s the milk
    Where’s the stupid the milk
    Oh tell me where’s the milk now

    And now you show up like a hangnail
    With no sense of indignation
    And you talk about the travels
    And the changes in your life
    And you stand there empty headed
    With no concept of contrition
    Wasting your material
    On someone else’s wife

    So tell me..
    Where the hell’s the milk
    Where’s the stupid milk
    You’d think by now you would have found
    A quart or two somehow
    Where the hell’s the milk
    Where’s the stupid the milk
    Oh tell me where’s the milk
    Where the hell’s the milk
    Where’s the stupid milk
    See the expiration date
    Everything’s gone sour
    Where the hell’s the milk
    Where’s the stupid milk
    Oh tell me where’s the milk now

    Available on Apology

  • Why Would I Lie? [Electric Bonsai Band]

    He must’ve been a coward
    To have filled you with such fear
    It takes a lot of power
    To keep someone so near
    So you settle in to mine another vein
    And everywhere you look, you look the same
    If I could only take away the pain
    I’d take the pain

    Why would I lie?

    You talk about the weather
    ‘Cause it’s something you can see
    You say that every silver lining
    Is tarnished underneath
    Now I have seen you with the pillow to your face
    Dreaming of a child’s fall from grace
    All of this emotion’s out of place
    It’s out of place

    Why would I lie?
    Why would I lie to you?

    You can stay forever
    I never left, I never will
    After all that you’ve been through
    You can hold me closer
    I will hold you closer still
    That’s the one thing I can do

    You must’ve really loved him
    To give him so much youth
    But you fill the heart with nothing
    And the body follows suit
    Now I have watched you keep a harbor out of reach
    Swimming through another endless speech
    One more lover washed up on the beach
    Into the breach

    Why would I lie?
    Why would I lie to you?

    Available on Lounging in the Belly of the Beast

  • Womb For Rent [Uncle Bonsai]

    Womb for rent
    Womb with a view
    Nonsmokers womb
    For one or two
    No pets allowed
    No alcohol
    No questions asked
    No southern drawl
    A private door
    Come as you are
    Like father did
    In a glass bell jar
    Womb with a heart
    Waterfront home
    Old world charm
    For chromosomes
    Christian types
    Who bends the rules
    Don't quote the Pope
    About genepools

    When the bough breaks
    The cradle will fall
    We'll get there quickly
    Checkbook and all

    Womb for rent )You bring the tube)
    I've got this womb (I'll never use)
    A bargain price (With wear and tear)
    Out going type (Someone to bear)
    Land of plenty (Fertile land)
    Balloons are free (At the kool aid stand)
    A place to dream (Of outer space)
    To grow two arms (Two legs, a face)
    A faceless one
    A parent's joy
    A sexless girl
    A voiceless boy

    I will be delivered
    I will be
    I will arrive and be counted alive
    I will be delivered
    I will overcome
    I will overcome this
    I will overcome what has been done
    I will be delivered

    Womb for rent
    No kickers please
    No rock and roll
    Varieties
    No nausea
    No allergies
    No psychopath
    Enquiries
    A dream cottage
    A quaint escape
    A quiet street
    To contemplate
    A place to feel
    The ocean floor
    To ride the waves
    Onto the shore
    A parent's prize
    A human race
    With Daddy's eyes
    And a stranger's face

    When the bough breaks
    Just give us a ring
    We will appear at
    Your christening

    I will be delivered
    I will be
    I will arrive and look in your eyes
    I will be delivered
    I will overcome
    I will overcome this
    I will overcome what has been done
    I will be delivered

    In a sterile room
    Just the two of you
    With a bare light bulb
    Father and Miss June
    Nailed against the wall
    In a pin-up pose
    Someone knocks at the door
    But you're indisposed

    Womb for rent
    Womb with a view
    Non-smokers womb
    For one or two
    A place to dream
    Of outer space
    With Daddy's eyes
    And a stranger's face

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn

  • Women With A “Y” (Womyn) [Uncle Bonsai]

    Jesus was a women
    Jesus must have been a woman
    Only women really suffer
    Only woman know such pain
    Helen Reddy was a goddess
    Even though she was Australian
    She acted like a goddess
    When she started her campaign

    Adam was a asshole
    Adam must have been a asshole
    ‘Cause he couldn’t satisfy
    The only woman in the place
    Eve was certainly devoted
    As he plundered and persisted
    Never thought if she resisted
    She could save the women’s face

    And as Adam demonstrated
    As he blindly penetrated
    Eve would simply had to take it lying down
    She just couldn’t see the trappings
    That the men had under wrappings
    Still they blamed her
    And they ran her out of town

    Get the man out of the woman
    Get the man out of mankind
    Take the man down from the mantle
    Leave the manful talk behind
    While the man are on maneuvers
    Let the mantras fill the sky
    Make the world a place for women
    Women with a “y”

    Mary was a martyr
    Mary must have been a martyr
    ‘Cause her God in all his wisdom
    Wouldn’t look her in the eyes
    So he took her and he left her
    With some jackass in a stable
    While he boasted of the conquest
    To the other holy guys

    So the man takes his position
    With the woman in submission
    ‘Cause the bible says
    That’s how they do it here
    So the woman falls from favor
    All because some horny savior
    Showed that men could come just once
    And disappear

    Take the man out of the woman
    Take the man from manicure
    You can take the man from manger
    You can leave him in manure
    While the men are being manly
    Leave the man-o-wars behind
    Make the world a place for women
    Women with a “Y”

    Intercourse - We don’t have to have no
    Intercourse - An activity we can’t endorse
    We don’t need to multiply
    Intercourse - It’s a law they simply can’t enforce
    We are more than just y hobby horse
    We are women with a “Y”

    Take the man out of the woman
    Send the man to Mandalay
    While the men are trying to manage
    Throw the manacles away
    While the men are stuck on manhood
    Find a man to crucify
    Make the world a place for women
    Women with a “Y”

    Available on Myn Ynd Wymyn